It is good to find peace going through the rites. I was baptised last Easter. I went through the whole RCIA process. If it was not God's will to stay in my M, I believe that He would have a better plan for me.
May God bless us with peace and love in this journey of faith and life.
Raindeer and KAW--after tonight, I think I'm following right behind you. Not really a new twist, but events like tonight have not occurred in several months.
I was taking the train home with TKKC1. S10 and D9's school had an open house tonight.
LIWAW: Calls semi-frantically asking if I can stay home and let her go alone because her mother left angry and father was near having a heart attack given our sitch and they can't take it any more. She says she'll call her lawyer and stop everything.
Merrick: I say I intend to go tonight.
LIWAW: You never go (I correct her) and it figures your so f***ng selfish that you won't give my father a break.
Merrick: I offer to call my parents and go in her place, but she refuses.
As I walk towards my house, I said, "Jesus, I'm going to need you right by my side when I walk through the door."
When I get home, she's in rare form saying that she got her Aunt to come over, that I win, she'll call of the lawyer and stop eveything tomorrow and that we'll live as H & W. She jumps on me and and wraps her legs around me saying we should go together tonight and that she'll sleep in the bed of her loving H go to C and do whatver it takes. She says this will be a lot for her and may have to kill herself--no wait, W says she won't really do that because I'll just write that down in my journal and use it against her.
I tried to show empathy by looking right into her eyes, but had a hard time keeping a straight face or not smirking--but held back for the most part. I said, I will not talk about these things in th house and said I knew she had strong feelings right now and may want to think about them overnight.
Five minutes later she returns saying that she will live with me, but as a mother of our kids and not as H & W and that she will never fall in love with me again and can barely look at me. She says again that she'll just stop the lawyer so I can stop paying mine.
I wanted to say don't fire your lawyer because I may file, but simply responded to her I won't ever love you with a "Yes. I know" I then said I wanted to take separate cars tonight and split our time with the teachers, but that she could go out with her mom friends after (and she'll almost certainly call OM).
I've played this scene many times before and they usually occur when she is spending more time contacting OM--and I suspect she precipitated the blowout with her parents in some form or another, but really won't pry on this because it doesn't matter.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not happy about her feeling the pressure because I was thinking the Sep/D talk would finally bring some other issues to a head--and who knows, maybe this was her convulated way of avoiding that.
I may have to consult with DB Coach Laurie, but the plus side is that I did not respond angrily, Jesus must have stood with me because I remain calm about the circumstances and I fully understand the need to disregard most of W's remarks. And maybe I have a break to continue pursuing my goals--although W has always been compelled to intensify the drama.
I feel that I am not successful in my DB effort. However, I am at least strong enough to face my S. I slept well last night. I removed all of the pictures with my W. Lettie told me that will help me to get over this crisis.
Your W is under pressure from her family to reconcile. But she may blame you for that. I have stopped asking my W's family to give her advice. She saw as "controlled" from me.
I had to stop posting last night because W walked in--which led to a 1 1/2 hour discussion about our sitch. I've heard everything before and in my eyes, some of it is so delusional it's laughable, but I primarily listened and tried to validate.
I did learn that my taking a firm stand and willingness to "fight" for what I think is right has had a sobering impact on her -- or as she says, she and her family "fear" what I will do to her. My willingness to get an au pair if she moves out is translated into "I want to take the kids' mother away from them," and that I'm selfish if that's what I want for my kids--since "their well-being is directly tied to my feelings; I am their rock, their foundation, their life."
Of course, my nagging issue in conversaitons with my W is that she wants/begs me to say what I want and feel and provide her the answers and solutions to get there. This sounds reasonable, but is actually the foil she uses to say why things can't be so and how those sentiments don't match reality.
I did say that all I really wanted right now was to complete RCIA, get baptised, and take the Eucharist. And that I can only take one day at a time (which she hates, but is an honest assessment of where we are). I also said I wanted an R with her, but validated by saying we never really had one we wanted (not really true). W's reply (this has happened before) was a semi-frenetic, "Okay. Let's have an R, let's have s*x right now!
I answered that I wanted to ML to someone who wanted to be with me, not someone who says that my touch makes their skin crawl. AND IN MY ONE BACKSLIDE, which will be her headline for the discussion, I also said that I would not ML to her until she was tested for STDs! She seemed taken aback by this and asked who told me to say this and that she'll get tested, but what about me and where have I been hanging out lately--including the girls I meet on Yahoo. I clearly could have approached this more sensitively at some other time, but I guess the message I need to reinforce is that my level of trust in her is greatly diminished.
As W pressed where we are headed and Itried to stay there instead of just walking away, I did tell her that my concern was whether I actually wanted her back and saying that in some respects, I hoped for her to file because we could make some decisions--and I could accept whatever outcome resulted from that process. As she pressed for more specifics on what we would do next, I finally said that I need to digest everything and needed a walk to clear my head.
The bottom line IMHO is that I can continue trying to DB, but until such time that W wants to commit to the M--we will go through this awful limbo. And so long as she continues contact with OM, this ongoing muddle is unlikely to change. I may try and raise the split separation issue again (i.e., we split time outside the house), but for now, I need to take a step back and see what happens th next few days--and maybe I'll try to intervene with OM and make it known that he can no longer keep his role in this in the shadows and may have to accept some public light if he doesn't back off.
For now, however, I have a lot of real work to do and will not post again until tonight.
I'm sorry I missed your call last night... I was in the bathtub with D7. It's usually a really wet and messy affair and not cell phone friendly.
And I really am sorry. Reading your posts this morning gave me the impetus to actually log in rather than get right to work.
I guess I just would like to know (out of curiosity) what her parents really feel about all of this? I have a sneaking feeling that they aren't exactly in cohoots with her way of thinking and acting?
I don't know, bud. I believe there was divine intervention last night too. I would have had a lot of trouble with her behaviors and taking the high road (though I know I'm capable of it, I know how hurt I would be had I been you). I just want to hug you...
So that's all I have to say right now.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: When I get home, she's in rare form saying that she got her Aunt to come over, that I win, she'll call of the lawyer and stop eveything tomorrow and that we'll live as H & W. She jumps on me and and wraps her legs around me saying we should go together tonight and that she'll sleep in the bed of her loving H go to C and do whatver it takes. She says this will be a lot for her and may have to kill herself--no wait, W says she won't really do that because I'll just write that down in my journal and use it against her.
My thoughts to replying to this earlier post is ... Your W all along seems to have quite a flare for dramatic sarcasms.
However, in this morning's post, it was a bit harder to pick it out of the text written, other than her usual connection of taking your sincere request at wanting an R to mean wanting sex. However, I can't determine from what is written if her saying she is calling off the lawyers is sarcastic or sincere? ... and what is her intend behind asking what's next? Are you saying she is waving the white flag of surrender?
If that is the case, from personal experience, let me just say it didn't work for CAW. Two years ago, she said she could no longer fight it, accepted my changes and decided to try to work on M and she sincerely meant it. For the next 5 months I believe she gave it a genuine effort, but you know where that has led us now.
It doesn't sound like W has acknowledge who you really are now, but is still painting you with her preceptions. How is that going to make living under one roof any more bearable for either of you now that she is waving the white flag. If anything her resentment against is going to continue to build as she feels defeated. I just don't see how this will work to bring the dynamics in the R back to a loving one ... even with OM out of the picture.
I think your W is complete denial of the fact that no matter what direction is taken she still is going to have to interact with you for at least the rest of your children's childhood and only when she comes to realize the only way to develop that R is on a foundation of mutual respect, will she ever be able to move beyond this menagerie of limboland.
What will it take to regain her respect for you? It pretty evident, that you haven't been able to distance yourself enought to remove yourself from her equation to what is wrong in her life and no amount of 180's or acting "as-if" has worked to remove you from the equation either. The only option I see is creating the physical seperation. I like the idea of the split S, but I think the largest problem you face right now is that she isn't going to deem any solution coming from you as an acceptable option. Is there some one else that has solid credibility with her that may be able to present your solution to her?
More than anything, Merrick, I'm hoping that soon you will find a way to break this cycle she has trapped you in. You and your children deserve so much better than this.
Write it in your journal and use it against her? Afraid you're tryint to take the kids away from her? Where does she get that you're an aggressive ogre? Does she have access to a journal of yours?
You did a wonderful job of not flying off the handle or walking away as she obviously needed to vent. As long as you continue to be the calm and grounded one, she will run out of steam at some point. I can't remember, is she going to a therapist?
Throwing herself at you and being sarcastically wanton is very provocative behavior, and it surprises me that she is equating R with sex, especially when you aren't making any overtures to her in that respect (are you?) It sounds like really desperate behavior, too, which may or may not be connected with EA with OM. Speaking to him may not be a good idea, but it may not be a bad idea either (how's that for good, solid advice?).
Actually, as I type it occurs to me (and forgive me if I have forgotten something aready posted about your sitch, but...) Could it possibly be that she feels rejected by you in some strange way? That her desperation is caused somehow by not having had the attention (physical or otherwise) she needed from you? I'm not saying this as a big DUH, but as a more specific way to think about her treatment of her own body when she talks about sex with you.
Anyway, I'm about fried, but I wanted to chime in with my .0175.
Jennifer, there's too much history on other issues to go into here, but way back when before I heard of DB, I started a daily journal to track W's remarks. I did so because I thought I was going nuts about the things she said and her denials of those sentiments a few days later. Needless to say, I called her to task one time and she now realizes that I record our events and every time she goes off or gets into a fight with me--she referes to the journal. And to be honest, if she ever files for D (or I do) I have a pretty thorough documentation of the past 18 months--albeit my view of the world.
Right now, W is clearly agitated. Last night we sparred a bit on how to handle a sitch with S10 and this morning, I screwed up by not putting a meeting I had on our home calendar and creating a conflict for her). Becaue of out current state, it's hard to even address these simple matters amicably without an edge.
On top of this, according to W's sister, W was bad-mouthing members of her family last night at a bar celebrating the sister's birthday. SIL aksed me what was going on in light of recent events and I said I feel sorry for W and that if she wants an "amicable" split--she is the one who will have to leave and that I have no reservations about doing what i think is the "right" thing.
In any event, W came home last night about 1:15 a.m. (OM was probably unavailable for a later return) and she was mad as hell at me--whispering just loud enough for me to hear about 75 - 100 times (f*** s***head, f***ing a$$hole; stupid f***ing PoS; miserable PoS, etc). I pretended to be asleep and expected a more direct assault, but it never came. Perhaps she kept her drinking under control. At least there's some form of f***ing going on in our house between me and W! Pardon me if I offend anyone.
Fortunately, W took the girls to NYC today with neighbors and I had S10 for baseball. Tomorrow night ought to be a blast, everyone is going to her full family (and me) are going to her parents' house for SIL's birthday. Could be the Fourth of July!
I am sorry about your W's behaviour. She seems to be confused and does not know what she wants.
Mt W finally left last Wed. 6 days past. I am OK. I have removed all of her pictures from my bedroom. Just to help me get over it. I also change the lock on my front and back door. I don't want my W and the om to come to my house while I am overseas. My W seems like someone under spell. I need to protect my children.
Surprisingly I slept well. Manage the daily chores OK. I only worry about my S15. He is very sad. I send him to C tomorrow. Many friends are supporting me.
I am in the same boat. W is under a spell. Not much you can do about it but move on. I even started to paint the house. Now reality is kicking in and it was much easier to do the parenting as a team. Don't really mind it on my own, just have not time. Take care.
She seemed taken aback by this and asked who told me to say this and that she'll get tested, but what about me and where have I been hanging out lately--including the girls I meet on Yahoo. I clearly could have approached this more sensitively at some other time, but I guess the message I need to reinforce is that my level of trust in her is greatly diminished. 
Betsey 