I had to stop posting last night because W walked in--which led to a 1 1/2 hour discussion about our sitch. I've heard everything before and in my eyes, some of it is so delusional it's laughable, but I primarily listened and tried to validate.
I did learn that my taking a firm stand and willingness to "fight" for what I think is right has had a sobering impact on her -- or as she says, she and her family "fear" what I will do to her. My willingness to get an au pair if she moves out is translated into "I want to take the kids' mother away from them," and that I'm selfish if that's what I want for my kids--since "their well-being is directly tied to my feelings; I am their rock, their foundation, their life."
Of course, my nagging issue in conversaitons with my W is that she wants/begs me to say what I want and feel and provide her the answers and solutions to get there. This sounds reasonable, but is actually the foil she uses to say why things can't be so and how those sentiments don't match reality.
I did say that all I really wanted right now was to complete RCIA, get baptised, and take the Eucharist. And that I can only take one day at a time (which she hates, but is an honest assessment of where we are). I also said I wanted an R with her, but validated by saying we never really had one we wanted (not really true). W's reply (this has happened before) was a semi-frenetic, "Okay. Let's have an R, let's have s*x right now!
I answered that I wanted to ML to someone who wanted to be with me, not someone who says that my touch makes their skin crawl. AND IN MY ONE BACKSLIDE, which will be her headline for the discussion, I also said that I would not ML to her until she was tested for STDs! She seemed taken aback by this and asked who told me to say this and that she'll get tested, but what about me and where have I been hanging out lately--including the girls I meet on Yahoo. I clearly could have approached this more sensitively at some other time, but I guess the message I need to reinforce is that my level of trust in her is greatly diminished.
As W pressed where we are headed and Itried to stay there instead of just walking away, I did tell her that my concern was whether I actually wanted her back and saying that in some respects, I hoped for her to file because we could make some decisions--and I could accept whatever outcome resulted from that process. As she pressed for more specifics on what we would do next, I finally said that I need to digest everything and needed a walk to clear my head.
The bottom line IMHO is that I can continue trying to DB, but until such time that W wants to commit to the M--we will go through this awful limbo. And so long as she continues contact with OM, this ongoing muddle is unlikely to change. I may try and raise the split separation issue again (i.e., we split time outside the house), but for now, I need to take a step back and see what happens th next few days--and maybe I'll try to intervene with OM and make it known that he can no longer keep his role in this in the shadows and may have to accept some public light if he doesn't back off.
For now, however, I have a lot of real work to do and will not post again until tonight.
She seemed taken aback by this and asked who told me to say this and that she'll get tested, but what about me and where have I been hanging out lately--including the girls I meet on Yahoo. I clearly could have approached this more sensitively at some other time, but I guess the message I need to reinforce is that my level of trust in her is greatly diminished. 
