I haven't posted in a while. Right now, I'm somewhat tired of the fishbowl and don't really have much to say. But today is the one year anniversary of my W dropping the D bomb, so I feel compelled to write.
The last ten days have been tough in that I've been a bit more assertive on things at home and where we are headed--especially when it comes to my involvement with the kids and their activities. W is resentful of htis and characterizes it as my disapproval of how she handled things in the past.
I've also tried to establish a more defined family budget--because our spending (especially on attorneys) and lack of savings for the kids' college is beginning to bother me. I've let this go for a year, but think it's time to begin thinking seriously about the implicaitons of what we are doing.
Not surprisingly, W senses this as a form of control and is resistant and won't ven agree to our family budget without first running past her attorney. So I'm left in a lurch on taking my own actions on budgeting (e.g., cutting credit cards or depositing my paycheck in my own account) without also being accused of economic abuse. . Meanwhile W continues extensive contact with OM--who now has widow GF with three kids that W sites as proof that there is not "there" there, although she previously told me that OM had no interest in women with kids and wanted to start his own family.
On the legal front, my attorney has been instructed that for the time being, any talk of an agreement that has me leaving the house alone is non-negotiable. I also told W unequivocally that she is free to go, but I will make every effort to stay with my kids and I'll hire an au pair or nanny if that'w what it takes for me to maintain custody.
On the plus side, W is in the Midwest for a couisn's wedding, so I have some peace at home. Also, my welcoming rites into the Catholic Church are this Sunday. The nun running our RCIA program was concerned about my entry into the Church and my M. She asked point blank if I got D and fell in love again--did I understand the implications. I said that I did and felt this was the strongest test of my faith and sincerity.
You may think I'm nuts, but I'm prepared to live a life alone in the name of being faithful to my beliefs and heart. I'm also prepared to defend myself in court if my W sues for D--even if I could get a better deal by suing myself. I'm going to do what is right and if it means a smaller TV, a smaller car, and working a few more years then I planned, so be it. I really can't worry about the transient joys of the secular world if it means being dishonest to myself.
If all this sounds down, please know that many good things are happening in my life. My R with my kids is as good as ever. They know things are not well between W and I, but they seem to remain secure that we are together and unaware that we could be apart. To me, that means I bought a year of keeping their world somewhat secure if not perfect. And the look I get from daughters as they go to sleep each night and tell me that they love me heartily feeds the soul--that is a certainly a gift from God.
I'll try to check some other threads, but for those who stopped by, thanks for thinking of me.
