Milestone: This is my 1000th post. When I first came on this board and saw folks with posts in the hundreds and thousands, I was amazed. And I wasn't sure if I ever would be one of them, but here I am.
I'll save my broader recap for the one-year BB anniversary, but suffice it to say I've come a long way personally through this past year.
1) I'm no longer dysfunctional at thought of OM; 2) I've allowed God to become my thought stopper and have an emerging R with Christ that is bringing true peace to my heart; 3) I've developed an even better R with all three of my kids and have given them a life that is secure and full of love for them--even if not demonstrable of the two-parent loving home that would be ideal. 4) While I still get pangs of sadness, I can't tell you the last time I've cried. 5) I've developed an extraordinary network of caring friends on this board who have given me a glimpse into the finest nature of mankind and reminded me that people can do wonderful things while pursuing what is right. 6) I think and hope I've had an opportunity to provide comfort and show empathy to others in a way I have never been willing to do before due to my own selfishness. 7) For the most part, I've stopped being defensive around my W and can listen to her sincerely and validate if she'll talk to me in a civil manner. 8) I still have my job!!!
Even with all this, however, not much has changed in W's attitude the past year and she is committed to the D process and continues to believe I'm a stubborn, emotionally bankrupt, cold-hearted meanie who refuses to leave and wants to take her children away from her. Yeah, I know. I gotta change THAT impression!
The real test for me will occur over the next seven months. I am embarking on the formal conversion process to Catholicism by Easter vigil in March while also trying to negotiate or stave off a D filing that my W is more vigorously pursuing. Finding Christ-like love while disputing the value of my law degree and child custody is going to work the Holy Spirit overtime in my own discernment process. Or as my W sees it--my arguing for what I want is how I emotionally abuse her. I guess that is why God created lawyers! Oops. I forgot that I'm one of them; I guess that explains a lot too .
Things have been reasonably calm around here the past week--and I hope it's not just the calm before the storm. I found it interesting this past weekend that when I told W about my RCIA sked, she acted surprised that I was following through and quesitioned why I didn't follow her lead on this issue about three years ago. She said she was desperately seeking a connection with me (making a point to add not that it would have saved our M anyway), but complained that my only answer then was that I was not ready (true--I was not). Like everything else in our M--even something as personal and intimate as finding God, if it's not on her timeline, well then just f*** it! But that's who she is and who I married--and I still love her.
While I'm now more accepting of the outcome I never dreamed of--I really don't see myself losing all faith and hope until the final curtain is drawn.
Be good everyone and thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers, and support.
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