For those following my "signs," I forgot to add that the breakfast check with Betsey came to $ 26.66! I think the Lord was telling me not to allow the lovely lady across from me to lead the Devil into my thoughts!! I don't think that was ever a problem, but a friendly reminder from above never hurts!
I decided to try a new appraoch yesterday and talked to W about setting a schedule to share our bedroom--she has slept on a sofa bed for a few months and is moaning heavily about it. I think this is one of those areas where I can compromise--and while I think she is using her usual martyr tactics to get what she wants, I also think it had a positive impact in that her ongoing nasty edge for the past eight weeks noticeably disspated last night. We'll see how long it takes to return .
First, the good stuff. I took my kids to the Yankee game yesterday, and despite a forecast of showers all day, we had to take precuations to avoid sunburn from all the sun!! We had a great ime and then we went to my son's game and I played with my daughters on the side most of the game while W sat with her dad.
As for your question, interestingly, she had a job interview earlier this week and a follow-up today 25-30 hours per week and the ability to get home by the time school ends. So, we'll see where that lead.
I did offer the bedroom and am looking into purchasing a more comfortable Aerobed for downstairs. The reaction was somewhat positve in that her nasty edge towards me dissipated for about 48 hours. Unfortunately, it returned this morning, with an expletive laced tirade when I gently approached her to see if she had overslept for going to the gym this morning. Evidently, she changed her plans and was mad at me for appraoching her. Oh well. Later, I just wished her good luck on the follow-up interview this morning.
My other problem is that she is still involved at some level with OM -- clearly still emotional to me (don't ask me how I know, but I do). My attorney calls this the "bridge affair," the R a WAS involves themselves with to make the emotional separation in prep for a D. Seems on target to me.
To be honest, I'm at the point of giving up. Were it not for the conversion, I think I would be moving on by now. (Ah, she's ringing right now -- I'll hit my VM). If I knew an annulment was a certainty, I might even file for a formal separation judgment. I think I have an attorney I'll retain and we'll plot my strategy sometime thereafter. Money talks are not far behind.
Later this post...
I just played the VM and she got the job and took it on the spot. She was now asking if I could make changes to my sked to accommodate the new work arrangements!!! It looks like I have some uses in life! I'm going to have to think about this now--especially in terms of money, etc. Oh well. The sun is out, life is good, and my building hasn't been blown up yet!
Hey Merrick, just stopped over to see how you were doing. Thinking of giving up? Well, you certainly have been through enough and when you reach that decision as quite a few of us have appeared to be doing here, that's your choice. We're here to support you either way. We've been through it w/you and only you will know when that time is right.
Take care and enjoy the fun times that you have w/friends, kids, whomever...just remember to take look out for #1. (((((((()))))))))) Tootles...........
Letting go of the rope is a more accurate description than giving up. On an SBT basis, the current arrangement simply is not working.
I've found an attorney I'd like to retain and we'll begin a more formal separation discussion process. But I will tell you this, if my W truly wants this, she will be the one making concessions, not me. And I'm in no hurry.
There are no quick solutions. As long as any S agreement leaves room for reconciliation, I'm finally understanding S may be a critical part of successful DBing. Show W the changes you've made, and if she still doesn't appreciate them, give her a chance to miss them.
I think I'd be careful to not have W feel like she has to make concessions. Fairness and reality (things our W's simply do not understand) should not be approached as concessions. That may be the legal term, but emotionally, a S agreement should help get our Ws in touch with reality, not feel resentful they had to "give something up".
Letting go of the rope is a great analogy. God will plant solid ground under your feet to stand on, and it is usually only inches underneath where we are desperately struggling to hang on to the end of our ropes.
Let go of the rope, drop to the ground below and start building a platform to climb back up and get a firm grip on the rope again. Only in your case, looks like W will start pulling the rope up after you let go.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I see from yours that things aren't so hot right now. But it's okay to vent.
Where do you live in Ohio? I'll be there in two weeks for a couple of days with my kids.
Quote: I think I'd be careful to not have W feel like she has to make concessions. Fairness and reality (things our W's simply do not understand) should not be approached as concessions. That may be the legal term, but emotionally, a S agreement should help get our Ws in touch with reality, not feel resentful they had to "give something up".
This has been an issue I've been avoiding and is the flip side of my capitulation to ease any tension. What I want to do is get the best deal I can for myself as a legal matter. There is aboslutely nothing that precludes me from giving her more outside of a legal agreement -- and I may even do so. But as a matter of law, I am going to make sure that I protect myself (and the assets available for my kids) as much as possible.
On the lighter side, we have new neighbors moving in across the street later this week and the H was there yesterday and came by to say hello. It turns out he AND his W are psychotherapists specializing in M and couples counseling!!! He ought to make a fortune on my block.
I also started to have money discussions with W to begin agreeing on our expenses and assets in preparation for a separation. At one point I raised issues relating to litigation expenses which could end up costing tens of thousands of dollars. She asked what sense it made for me to fight her--and I replied that I'd need a minimum of $5k for a Sep. Agreement and may need even more $$$ if I decide to file against her. . This obviously surprised her and she said she thought I didn't want this. I said that now that we are going down this path, I need to keep all my options open. At this point I backed off and decided to just let this sink in for her.
Tonight could be interesting. I have an event with my son that we have to attend while W is going to a political event where she will be with OM. This usually leads to bad things later in the night--but perhaps having my son with me when I get home will spare us from an "event".
I have replied on your old thread. I was wondering why there was no new progress on your side. Today I found out that you have a new thread.
I am sorry that you are planning to go a legal path. But I can understand your feeling. I did consult A last time in case my situation get worse. I really wish that your W can see that it leads to nowhere with the om. Statistically the second M fares much worse than the first M. Most couple in the second M did not learn the mistake they made in the first M. So history is repeated again and again.
Be strong and lead a happy live with or without your W.
I have replied on your old thread. I was wondering why there was no new progress on your side. Today I found out that you have a new thread.
I am sorry that you are planning to go a legal path. But I can understand your feeling. I did consult A last time in case my situation get worse. I really wish that your W can see that it leads to nowhere with the om. Statistically the second M fares much worse than the first M. Most couple in the second M did not learn the mistake they made in the first M. So history is repeated again and again.
Be strong and lead a happy live with or without your W.
A wonderful morning in NYC. Apart from the usual police cruisers, this morning I was greeted at my office building by police dogs and SWAT team members with automatic weapons and machine guns. In addition to the usual sobering reflecitons, I was wondering whether I could post any of these guys outside my bedroom
Raindeer, I am not pursuing the legal route as much as I've been cornered into it and feel the one thing I have not tried is letting my W know that I will not trap her in an unwanted M--as she defines it. Moreover, my first goal remains to have a split separation where each of us takes turns outside of the house. If I can secure this, the legal issues will greatly diminish. Besides, my L is on vacation!
The most important consideration I have right now is how this fits in with God's plan for me. My Manhattan priest is on duty today and I intend to ask a number of questions about my next steps and their consistency with my new faith--aside from (if possible) faith, hope, and love. Thus far, God has stilled my heart and He remains my most important light in seeing me through the darkness.
To my happy surprise, W came home early last night and there were no fireworks. Perhaps OM was out of town (at the risk of getting a 2 x 4, this is one way that snooping helps in gauging my W: if OM is out of town, then her calmness is not unusual; if he is in town, no outburst from W is real progress).
We're heading into a three-week stretch where I may have little to no contact with W. We're taking turns on the shore with the kids starting Saturday and then I'm taking the kids on a one-week vacation on my own through PA, NY, and OH. Thereafter W starts work and the GOP convention commences, where I'll have corporate events to attend and may borrow a friends apartment in the City for a few days. Then school begins.
We had a great ime and then we went to my son's game and I played with my daughters on the side most of the game while W sat with her dad. 
. This obviously surprised her and she said she thought I didn't want this. I said that now that we are going down this path, I need to keep all my options open. At this point I backed off and decided to just let this sink in for her.