What a topsy-turvy weekend. W has been at the beach with the kids.
Friday: She left me a VM saying she had been thinking and that her health and well being were more important than my being with the kids for a kiss in the morning and that her role as caretaker is how God made it--so I should be the one to go. On the friendlier side, she had freinds at another beach house about 50 miles away, so she was eager for me to come down early so she could go up there. I reacted nicely and said that was a good idea and hoped she had a great time.
However, I wasn’t feeling well later in the day. In fact, I’ve been feeling like crap all week and the stress (presumably) has caused me to break out in multiple hives. I had a low fever Friday night, was beat, and could feel my lip swelling with angioedema. So I called W to say I would come the next morning. I said I may leave about 6 a.m. and asked what time she needed to leave (it takes me 2 -3 1/2 hours depending on traffic). She said by 10, but that I should call her to let her know.
Saturday: I felt better in the morning at 6 a.m. and called W (and found out she had a message from OM at 2:45 a.m. asking her to call him while a love song played in the background--Yippee--this was a shared cell phone until recently and W has not changed the VM password). I deleted the message. When I got to the house at 8 a.m., she was asleep and when she awoke shortly thereafter and saw me, her first sentence in front of D8 was, “What are you f**king doing here so early? You said you’d be here at 8:30 to 9:00." I replied, “Good morning to you.” And she pressed me to understand why should she would be upset because she did not expect me. I just backed off completely and she calmed down. I took the kids to a water park and beach related sites that day--we had a lobster dinner, went for ice cream, and had an altogether great time.
However, the cell phones at this beach have trouble picking up a signal, and evidently, W had been trying to reach me. W got a call through about 9 p.m. and sounded somewhat irritated and asked to speak to the kids. When I told her about our day, she said, "Great. You can have a great time without me. I can’t take it and don’t know if I’m coming back tonight. Maybe I’ll drive off the road, crash, and wave the white flag and you’ll have what you want!" I said that's not what I want.
Since her voice was slurring a bit, I said it sounded like she had a few drinks and I didn’t think it was wise to drive. I also said that she should call us to let us know what she decided so that we didn’t worry about her. I guess this was too much pressure, because she said she had not been drinking and then lashed into me about how I didn’t care what happened to her and she started ripping into me about how destructive this all is and how I’m hurting the kids, etc. I told her I couldn’t listen to this anymore and hung up. I later saw a message on my cell phone, and then realized it was before we had ever spoken and she left a tart message that I should call her back so she could speak to her kids and I was preventing that and manipulating them not to speak to her (not true—the signal was not coming through earlier).
Sunday: W ended up staying at the other place overnight and came to our beach house at about 8:30 a.m. and went straight to bed. There were sporadic convos between us on how she can’t take it any more and was ill. I put my arm around her and said there was nothing I wanted more, but to make her feel well, and that I was not trying trying to hurt her. After an initial cringe--she did not pull away, but I think she is was just such a wreck.
Later, I took the girls to Church (S10 refused to go, but I wasn't fighting that battle there) and W slept until 12:30 (very unusual for her) and continued saying she was a physical wreck and had not eaten in days. We engaged in another tearful (she bawled, I teared) discussion about the next steps and she vacillated between saying she would leave and that she cannot leave the house because God didn’t intend it that way and that if she left, the kids would be devastated. She pursued and pursued and pursued a decision while I tried to beg off saying that I was going to see a lawyer but I got the same frantic frustration from her that I would not just say it was over. She then said she was becoming so sick she needed to see a doctor and asked if I would stay while she went back to NY. When I equivocated, she changed her mind.
She settled down and we decided to go out to dinner with the kids and I made the big mistake of acting naturally and talking about my upcoming trip to Colorado and planned whitewater rafting. While I was planning this trip—I constantly thought that this would be something wonderful to do with W or the entire family—and in a stream of consciousness at dinner, I said as much that it would be fun to do with Mommy. That was a huge mistake which made her feel belittled in front of the kids in terms of “effort” at the M and she started saying a bunch of negative things in front of the kids (and loud enough for others to hear) about how I never planned anything for us and never satisfied her needs and that I want to make it look like Mommy doesn’t want to try and be a family. We got the check and huddled outside where she made a nice calm talk to the kids about how things are not what we all want them to be and that we disagree on how we should solve the problem. She fell into the car seat and just cried -- and apologized to the kids for her sadness. She got herself together and I hugged the kids good-bye. As I was departing, W pursued one more time asking if this scene is how I want to continue living?
So, in the final analysis, while I had hoped that the time away from each other would have given us some needed space, W is so consumed with separation and her misery with the the status quo that this simply is not going to work. Her persoanlity that needs an answer to everything now remains unchnaged and drives her daily mindset.
Given this, I also should have known all along that when W focusses on one thing, there is no changing her path. So having given my best shot at staying toegether and DBing, it's 100% clear this will not work. The big question for me now is, “What is the best way to separate and preserve my rights?” How willing is W to engage in a joint physical custody arrangment, and will she sue for D if I pursue one? So I've got a few legal issues that I need to pursue in the weeks ahead.
At the same time, my conversion also weighs heavily. I swing between non-opressuring distance and showing genuine compassion and empathy for her pain. It's hard to show care while not applying pressure. And totally unselfish care would be to give her what she wants for now if that would truly benefit the kids given her pain. Thinking ahead, if I D, I need an annulment to take communion if I have another R--or else I can remain celibate the rest of my life (anybody know a good monastery?? ). And sometimes I just wonder if I should put it in God’s hands. Just give W the space and let her sort it all out.
I prayed on the way to work this morning and am in a surprisingly calm mood. After some spurts of anger concerning OM, I calmed down. I saw that Osteen preacher on TV last night--and whether you like him or not, his message was about ending gossip and healing. I had thought about sending OM's parents the letter I have been sitting on for months, but Osteen's message to to me led me to question why I should cause OM's parents any pain--to relive mine. That isn't right, so once again, I just let the anger drop.
I'm going to try very hard again not to speak to W this week. Hopefully, she can let go for a few days and will not try to send me any messages. In any event, the current path is turning very destructive and living together is providing no healing. The look of despair in my kids eyes as they see W relate to me is just devasating.
). And sometimes I just wonder if I should put it in God’s hands. Just give W the space and let her sort it all out. 
