Short summary for newcomers. Me 42, W39, 3 kids--S10, D8, D6. Bomb dropped on a yo-yo string Sep '03, Began DBing process Oct. '03. If stopping a runaway train is a success, then I've been successful because I still live at home.
W is now away for two weeks at the beach with three kids. I was with them this past weekend and to myself on Saturday when W was at a funeral. I'll join them this Friday night given that our NY get-together didn't generate enough interest.
Not much will happen between now and the end of August--although W may pow-wow with her attorney.
This past Wednesday, however, we did meet with a C on how to approach the children. While it was hard to cover a lot of ground in an hour, it was the first time ever we could articulate our views with a fair referee to make sure neither of us stepped on each other. C tried to get a sense of and outline our options without giving preference to one or another--including W moving in with her parents. It was not much of a big deal, but when W argued that it would be bad if she moved in with her parents and came over every day, C asked pointedly, "Why," and discussed the joint custody arrangment whereby each of alternated living in the house. C also said we had the choice of staying together for the next ten years just as we are--not that it was her preference or a great idea, but to highlight that it was a choice.
While C emphasized this was not MC, we did have to address our M issues--and I admitted that while I may be a total fool, I still had hope because that is who I am. W said I should not read into her feelings and she would be compelled to pursue a D--but C cautioned that she may end up leaving child issues to a judge.
WARNING TO NEWCOMERS ON MC: W said at this session that it was the first C we had seen that convinced W to get out of the M--to which I laughingly referred to that C as Dr. Kervorkian. C ended the session by saying we were in a very difficult spot--but she could help us as issues arise if we sought assistance. I'm not sure about W, but I will go to see her myself this week.
Not much was said after the meeting as W went out to dinner with friends. On Friday night, before leaving for the beach she remarked on my watching Christian television that "while she thought it was great--it proved she did not know me and that I was watching too much of it." I just said I liked it. Ironically, Father Corapi was on discussing about resisting evil around us in our lives, homes, and work--so while W was ranting at me in one ear, I had the priest telling me to find peace in the other ear--and be aware that even those closest to me will start considering me a religious nut. Just awesome words at exactly the right time, so I held my cool. When I came back a few minutes later, W said she needed to do something about our sitch now and inquired if I could accept her moving out into her parents' place , but when she transformed this into my telling the kids that I wanted to Mommy to move, I backed off again saying all option were open. But that was a major move to even consider the idea.
At the beach on Sunday, W was making a genuine effort to at least avoid being nasty and it was actually one of the best days we've had in months in that tension was not ready to explode at any minute. However, W did explode at the end of the day when she could not open a bottle of wine and complained that she finally had something just for her--and it got f**ked up and then blamed me for saying I didn't trust her. I just walked away and came back friendly a few minutes later.
I pretty much left the beach without saying a real good-bye to her and have not answered my phone at home tonight (I had the kids call me on my cell phone). If things go smoothly, I will not speak to her until Saturday morning at the beach, and we'll go from there.
Wow I'm impressed by your patience.I'm glad to see your hanging in there.I was wondering how things were going with your sitch.I see your plugging along.Me to.
Well have a good day my friend.I'm off to work.I hate going this early.But I leave for my cruise this weekend.So I'm not going to complain.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Hey back Merrick. Checking in real quick ... lots of catching up to do ...
Its good to hear W is participating C sessions instead of exclusively dealing with lawyers. I hope a third party POV might help broaden her "single-mindedness" so that there may be more for you to work with.
It was also good to hear that she decided to put her "nastiness" aside recently. Let's hope she sees its a better way of interacting.
I'm really disappointed that our get-together didn't come off, but it sounds like you have some pretty good contingency plans in place.
I may have spoken too soon last night, because there was a three minute ranting message on my cell phone from W last night.
Basically, W said she couldn’t take it any more and that she was going to bring the kids back to house and she would retreat alone to the beach house to get her sanity back. She said I should take time off from work now, cancel my trip alone with the kids in August, and since I refuse to leave and want to be with the kids so much, just do it now. She then moved into the separation issue saying I need to make a decision on staying or leaving because she can’t take it any more and she’s at the end of her rope and needs to take her own action. This turned into a lengthy discourse on our sitch (a good deal of projecting), my unwillingness to work with her, and again the need for me to make a decision – and my failure to make a decision would be deemed an affront to the emotional health of the kids. Just more of the same.
When I called the kids this morning, I learned that S10 set W off by not liking an ice cream treat at the shore and throwing a mild fit (In my view, this is the result of not imposing a stricter no-tolerance disciplinary policy at home--but I'm willing to discuss that).
D8 told me that W got all the kids in the car and called them little “f**kers” (this struck D8 a lot) and said they would all go home. I told D8 that Mom was very frustrated by their constant fighting and not listening (true) and they needed to listen to her.
In any event, W picked up the phone briefly and asked if I got her message. I said I listened to it this morning and she replied that she thought she got through to the kids last night and things would get better. Basically, she wanted me to ignore it and that was all. I certainly wasn't going to say anything, so I let it drop. I guess I'll bring this up with C this week.
Quote: D8 told me that W got all the kids in the car and called them little “f**kers” (this struck D8 a lot) and said they would all go home. I told D8 that Mom was very frustrated by their constant fighting and not listening (true) and they needed to listen to her.
Yikes! What a horrid thing to say... but kudos to YOU for how you handled this with the kids. You did a beautiful job not railing on her in front of them (which we know would be well deserved).
Be happy my D10 isn't there. She would take your W's potty mouth to task--something I'm happy to report she's managed to turn around for me as well.
Hugs to you today.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I just got back from a weekend trip to the lake. This trip was actually well planned and communicated to W weeks in advance (180 for me). We left Friday night - and on Wednesday before we left, W let me have it. Her tirade culminated in "I'm not going with you this weekend."
I'm not sure if I replied, but if I did it would have been, "I'm sorry, because we'll miss you." (another 180 for me)
W did come with us and Sunday we went boating. some of W's comments: you're going too fast, stop splashing water, we're too far away from the dock.... W ended the ride with, "I'm glad you had fun, I'm never doing this again. Just give me a nice clean pool."
Monday, I told W I was taking the kids out boating again. "Fine, I'll just stay here and read my book". About 1/2 hour later D7 had to use restroom, so I docked and waited for her. She came running back from the lake house saying, "Mommy's coming!"
W didn't say a word until I rocked the boat a little too much climbing back in after jumping out and swimming a little with the kids. Then it was immediately, "You're going to tip us over. I'm never doing this again!" But we did have a peaceful evening and drive home.
Moral of the story: "Don't listen to ANYTHING your S says."
Merrick, IMHO, your W probably does need some time alone to think about what she will be missing, while she is missing it. You and the kids go to the beach house and enjoy - leave an open invitation to W to join you somehow. It's not a solution, but a start in the right direction. I've sent W on trips while I stayed home, they just didn't seem to have any effect. W was just trying to get away - and me staying home had no affect on what she was getting away from.
I've had the conversations with my kids explaining that "mommy's mind and feelings are sick". The term "mentally ill" got me in big trouble, so I don't use it anymore.
Your post just made me laugh. Your right about their mindset!
Sadly, my mind is very weary this week. My kids are such a significant part of my daily routine--now that I'm away, I now realize how much energy I derive from them. And W continues to harp on how she is at the end of her rope (a ten-year rope it seems).
On Wednesday night, I saw C and she told me to get a lawyer. She flat out said that D would be bad for the kids, but W seems so adament that I should be fully cognizant of my rights. My head hurt thinking I'm going through the same "Get on with your life" advice, but I headed to RCIA--where I got a good dose of Luke, the sermon on the Mount, and forgiveness. I actually was advised to pray for OM to remove the bitterness I feel every time I think of him.
On the M front and possible separation, I guess my goal is to do an interim separation agreement that keeps the kids at home, but has me using a small apartment and W staying at her parents while we alternate at our hosue. The C thinks this is reasoanble On my days, I plan on getting the kids off to school, but W to take care of them after school. She HATES the thought of this and says it would destroy the kids -- but that's her projection. More important, any agreement should have to stipulate that no grounds for divorce exist and that the separation was done at the behest of W because of her desire to end the M. I might also add a minimum of eight weeks of counselling. But we'll see.
Anyway, today, I spent some time researching attorneys, hoping I could find someone that has actually worked with couples that reconciled (another $1,000 likely to be spent on a search and consults). I think I may have a good female attorney, but I won't meet with her until the 26th.
Tomorrow night I'll head back to the beach with the W and kids. I'll try to keep the positive faith. Be good y'all.
What a topsy-turvy weekend. W has been at the beach with the kids.
Friday: She left me a VM saying she had been thinking and that her health and well being were more important than my being with the kids for a kiss in the morning and that her role as caretaker is how God made it--so I should be the one to go. On the friendlier side, she had freinds at another beach house about 50 miles away, so she was eager for me to come down early so she could go up there. I reacted nicely and said that was a good idea and hoped she had a great time.
However, I wasn’t feeling well later in the day. In fact, I’ve been feeling like crap all week and the stress (presumably) has caused me to break out in multiple hives. I had a low fever Friday night, was beat, and could feel my lip swelling with angioedema. So I called W to say I would come the next morning. I said I may leave about 6 a.m. and asked what time she needed to leave (it takes me 2 -3 1/2 hours depending on traffic). She said by 10, but that I should call her to let her know.
Saturday: I felt better in the morning at 6 a.m. and called W (and found out she had a message from OM at 2:45 a.m. asking her to call him while a love song played in the background--Yippee--this was a shared cell phone until recently and W has not changed the VM password). I deleted the message. When I got to the house at 8 a.m., she was asleep and when she awoke shortly thereafter and saw me, her first sentence in front of D8 was, “What are you f**king doing here so early? You said you’d be here at 8:30 to 9:00." I replied, “Good morning to you.” And she pressed me to understand why should she would be upset because she did not expect me. I just backed off completely and she calmed down. I took the kids to a water park and beach related sites that day--we had a lobster dinner, went for ice cream, and had an altogether great time.
However, the cell phones at this beach have trouble picking up a signal, and evidently, W had been trying to reach me. W got a call through about 9 p.m. and sounded somewhat irritated and asked to speak to the kids. When I told her about our day, she said, "Great. You can have a great time without me. I can’t take it and don’t know if I’m coming back tonight. Maybe I’ll drive off the road, crash, and wave the white flag and you’ll have what you want!" I said that's not what I want.
Since her voice was slurring a bit, I said it sounded like she had a few drinks and I didn’t think it was wise to drive. I also said that she should call us to let us know what she decided so that we didn’t worry about her. I guess this was too much pressure, because she said she had not been drinking and then lashed into me about how I didn’t care what happened to her and she started ripping into me about how destructive this all is and how I’m hurting the kids, etc. I told her I couldn’t listen to this anymore and hung up. I later saw a message on my cell phone, and then realized it was before we had ever spoken and she left a tart message that I should call her back so she could speak to her kids and I was preventing that and manipulating them not to speak to her (not true—the signal was not coming through earlier).
Sunday: W ended up staying at the other place overnight and came to our beach house at about 8:30 a.m. and went straight to bed. There were sporadic convos between us on how she can’t take it any more and was ill. I put my arm around her and said there was nothing I wanted more, but to make her feel well, and that I was not trying trying to hurt her. After an initial cringe--she did not pull away, but I think she is was just such a wreck.
Later, I took the girls to Church (S10 refused to go, but I wasn't fighting that battle there) and W slept until 12:30 (very unusual for her) and continued saying she was a physical wreck and had not eaten in days. We engaged in another tearful (she bawled, I teared) discussion about the next steps and she vacillated between saying she would leave and that she cannot leave the house because God didn’t intend it that way and that if she left, the kids would be devastated. She pursued and pursued and pursued a decision while I tried to beg off saying that I was going to see a lawyer but I got the same frantic frustration from her that I would not just say it was over. She then said she was becoming so sick she needed to see a doctor and asked if I would stay while she went back to NY. When I equivocated, she changed her mind.
She settled down and we decided to go out to dinner with the kids and I made the big mistake of acting naturally and talking about my upcoming trip to Colorado and planned whitewater rafting. While I was planning this trip—I constantly thought that this would be something wonderful to do with W or the entire family—and in a stream of consciousness at dinner, I said as much that it would be fun to do with Mommy. That was a huge mistake which made her feel belittled in front of the kids in terms of “effort” at the M and she started saying a bunch of negative things in front of the kids (and loud enough for others to hear) about how I never planned anything for us and never satisfied her needs and that I want to make it look like Mommy doesn’t want to try and be a family. We got the check and huddled outside where she made a nice calm talk to the kids about how things are not what we all want them to be and that we disagree on how we should solve the problem. She fell into the car seat and just cried -- and apologized to the kids for her sadness. She got herself together and I hugged the kids good-bye. As I was departing, W pursued one more time asking if this scene is how I want to continue living?
So, in the final analysis, while I had hoped that the time away from each other would have given us some needed space, W is so consumed with separation and her misery with the the status quo that this simply is not going to work. Her persoanlity that needs an answer to everything now remains unchnaged and drives her daily mindset.
Given this, I also should have known all along that when W focusses on one thing, there is no changing her path. So having given my best shot at staying toegether and DBing, it's 100% clear this will not work. The big question for me now is, “What is the best way to separate and preserve my rights?” How willing is W to engage in a joint physical custody arrangment, and will she sue for D if I pursue one? So I've got a few legal issues that I need to pursue in the weeks ahead.
At the same time, my conversion also weighs heavily. I swing between non-opressuring distance and showing genuine compassion and empathy for her pain. It's hard to show care while not applying pressure. And totally unselfish care would be to give her what she wants for now if that would truly benefit the kids given her pain. Thinking ahead, if I D, I need an annulment to take communion if I have another R--or else I can remain celibate the rest of my life (anybody know a good monastery?? ). And sometimes I just wonder if I should put it in God’s hands. Just give W the space and let her sort it all out.
I prayed on the way to work this morning and am in a surprisingly calm mood. After some spurts of anger concerning OM, I calmed down. I saw that Osteen preacher on TV last night--and whether you like him or not, his message was about ending gossip and healing. I had thought about sending OM's parents the letter I have been sitting on for months, but Osteen's message to to me led me to question why I should cause OM's parents any pain--to relive mine. That isn't right, so once again, I just let the anger drop.
I'm going to try very hard again not to speak to W this week. Hopefully, she can let go for a few days and will not try to send me any messages. In any event, the current path is turning very destructive and living together is providing no healing. The look of despair in my kids eyes as they see W relate to me is just devasating.
Am I glad your butt is going to be out in my neck of the woods next weekend. I'm thinking about going to mass twice... once at my church and another time with you to log some more prayers for you, your W and your kids.
Until then, I pray you have peace this week. And I'll give you some bear hugs when I see you then.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
((((((((Merrick))))))))))) Not much I can think of to say to you other than "let God handle it". I find myself in that same case right now and know it's the right path to choose.
I feel for you so much coz your W can be so harsh and my sit is different in that we just don't talk any more. I need to get out and find a lawyer as well and move on that path.
Take care and be safe. Joel Olsteen is a pretty good preacher......(I like to watch those shows too. unfortunately they keep me up too late though!) Tootles.........
, but when she transformed this into my telling the kids that I wanted to Mommy to move, I backed off again saying all option were open. But that was a major move to even consider the idea. 
Checking in real quick ... lots of catching up to do ...
). And sometimes I just wonder if I should put it in God’s hands. Just give W the space and let her sort it all out. 
Betsey 