Hugs to luv, kml, and sage for stopping in.

It's amazing to me how often just writing stuff down on here makes me feel better. It's the combination of putting my feelings into words, as well as knowing other people care and will read it.

Feeling better today. Actually, I feel more good than bad these days...which, in and of itself is a bit of a miracle. I can honestly say that there are times when I feel exactly about H as I did before all of this started. Just want to increase those times...

Sometimes I think H has more patience with me than I do...and I swear, he's doing exactly what I need to feel better. Maybe something just clicked for him. I'm still suspicious he may have looked through my threads... I know he would know my username immediately. (I mean, I'm so beyond hiding it, I gave the same name to my custom Halo guy the other day.)

The other thing I've noticed, and I have no idea why this is, I can't hardly seem to cry when he's around anymore. Maybe because he shut me down so bad in the past. (I was pretty bad, during the whole moving out process.) As soon as he walks at the door, I'm a flood. Which, interestingly, means that when I'm done, I feel great for a couple of days afterwards. (Yeah, I know, I can see the whole cycle thing in it...last stage is sadness, then acceptance...I'm clearly bouncing back and forth.) And then all I want is to run up and give him a huge hug.

Something else I've noticed, and I don't know if this is a result of my time spent DBing or what. H is actually more comfortable with me than he ever has been. He's let me in much, much more. It's like his walls came down...maybe not all of the way, but a whole lot lower than they ever have been in the past. Time spent validating? That I was only one who stood by him when the past few months? That I was always there for him? I don't know. But it makes me feel better.

Psycho xrm still calls, but whatever. Getting beyond where that means anything to me...the girl is out of her mind, and H and I both know it. As long as she's not doing anything where I feel in physical danger, she's not worth my time. (Although I did answer H's cell when she called a few times...that was really fun... His idea; he thought it was pretty funny.)

H told me I was being "too sensitive" the other day when I mentioned that part of my problem is I literally feel like I can't escape from the whole cheating/seperation nonsense--that it's on TV and the radio all around us. Not five minutes later, a plot on TV features (drumroll) an older couple who is going through a seperation. I just hopped up and down and told him I was right!! LOL He just laughed at me.

One little thing that does make me nervous... H is going to San Diego this Sunday for four days. (Back Wednesday.) With a couple of coworkers to help this one lady go get her daughter. The FC (female coworker) doesn't speak English, so he's going as an interpreter. The other coworker is male. The thing that really gets me....is that he dated her (for about a week) at one point.

I knew he had dated her while they were working together. (Okay, so he just quit that job, I guess they're not really current coworkers...) But he would never tell me the level of their involvement. I got everything from "I don't kiss and tell" to "I work with her, it's none of your business, it's private" ...

Well, last night I told him I was feeling weird about the brief trip. I told him it wasn't just about FC (it's really not), and told him the other reasons. Then I asked again how involved he was with her in the past. He wavered again, and I pointed out they no longer worked together. And that I had a right to know since they are going together somewhere. He finally agreed, and admitted that they had slept together in the past. (I had already assumed that, from his dodginess about the subject before.)

Then he got very upset, said that I had forced it out of him. I think maybe he expected me to get upset or flip out. Which I didn't. (Wasn't even fighting myself.) He asked me if I wanted him to tell them he couldn't go, and I said no...they had already purchased his ticket. I held him and massaged his shoulders for awhile.

I'm still bothered by the fact that he lied to me about how many sexual partners he's had. I just recently found out the truth. He says he thought I wouldn't date him if I had known before. I feel I have a right to know because it affects my health. (His argument: he always used protection.) I doubt I would have not dated him...just asked him to get tested. (I also think he's ashamed and embarrassed about it. More than once, I've heard him say "I thought she was going to be my girlfriend.")

But things are, still, very smooth. A lot of this is just my own personal roller coaster. Time...

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]