moving forward II -- it's a bright, sun-shiny day!

[Nevanna]

So, after my little crash and burn...I'm feeling pretty good. But H isn't. He has apologized several times the last couple of days, and at pretty random times. (Driving home from the gym, watching non-A-related TV...heck, he even woke me up last night to tell me. )

It feels good to know he realizes he made a mistake. That reassures me that it was a mistake. We are all human. (I can't say I didn't contemplate it myself one night, feeling all alone and unwanted...so I can understand what may have motivated him.) And it helps to know that if he feels bad, then I seriously doubt he would do this sort of nonsense again.

But I wish I could help him feel better. I know I can't make it go away--only time does that--but I wish I knew how to help comfort him. I know that's what I want when I go to him upset. My standard answer to "I'm sorry" has been "I know." I've tried ILY and telling him I forgive him. Maybe I just need to let him be upset.

H did say the sweetest thing last night, and I wanted to make sure that I remember it... It was when he came in and woke me up to tell me he was sorry. (He had gone out for a little while, must have been just after he came home.) I remember him laying on top of me on top of the covers, and telling me that he was upset and how sorry he was, and that he couldn't believe he had acted like that. And I told him it was okay. I remember him saying he was sorry, that he had "issues." (Childhood traumas.) I told him it was okay, and that I was here for him. He said he hadn't realized that before, but he knew that now. I thought it was the sweetest thing I had ever heard...

[slowly]

Hi Nevanna - I feel so encouraged reading posts like yours, that given time, patience and good dbing, things CAN be better. Thanks for continuing to share. Slowly

[Nevanna]

Slowly--glad to see it helps you feel better. I don't write much about my own sitch because...well...it's not that much of a "situation" anymore.

I finally got out of the house, after all this doctor nonsense. Okay, so my friend wound up driving up to see me. But it was still nice--she's a close friend I haven't seen in a couple of months. It was great to just sit and talk with her. (It looks like she might have to go through the same procedure I did. Poor thing.)

I'm...feeling incredibly normal. After all my fits and crying and doubts...I suddenly feel very, very okay.
I realize I'm probably still going to have down days, but that's okay, too. I just finally feel as if this is over with.

Some things I noticed that helped me...

I quit accepting H's view that I should wake up and be "okay" now that we are back together. In fact, I decided I didn't need his "permission" to be upset. I was just going to be upset until I felt better. Sounds silly, but somehow my letting him hurry me to get over everything just made me feel worse--kind of like I felt bad because I still felt bad.

I also decided it didn't matter if he kicked and whined about doing something I asked him to, or even what his "real reason" for doing it might be. I was just happy when he would do it. For example--my appointment for the cryotherapy. He whined and complained about how he had to drag himself out of bed, how he was tired, how he was hungry... But, he did go, which is the important thing.

I've also learned when to keep my mouth shut. I guess I always thought I was being helpful...but H took it as criticism. So unless it's going to hurt someone, I just shut my trap.

H did really catch me by surprise the other day. He told me that I "reminded" him everyday of "what he had done," and that was why he got upset every night. Sure could have fooled me!! I thought I was just making conversation, I really didn't have anything else behind it. (And since I have a really bad tendency to be passive agressive, I try to watch it.) And, after all, I would bite my tongue against the really bad comments. I just...tried to be even more careful. Maybe his guilt is making him hypersensitive. Maybe low self-esteem? I don't know. He did tell me he thought I was doing it to make him feel bad--to get revenge. I think I just sat there with my mouth wide open. The only thing I managed to finally say was that if I had wanted revenge or to hurt him, I would have gone about it a whole different way. After that...I guess I just tried to be more careful.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a nice Sunday.

[Nevanna]

So...the crazy lady called last night. H and I were walking out the door when his phone rang. We both groaned at the ringtone--xrm!! LOL He picked it up, kind of looked at it. He's ignored her for at least a month now. He asked if I wanted to answer it. I said "Sure!" and he said to just tell her he wasn't home.

I took the phone, and went into the bedroom. H is standing, maybe, two feet away. I (in my best "act as if") said hello very pleasantly. (No, that's not sarcasm!! ) She asked if she could speak with my H. I was still pleasant, said he was not home. She thanked me, I said sure, and hung up with her.

Pretty anticlimactic. LOL The whole brief interaction was ridiculously pleasant. But, after the time she called MIL's house looking for H and I answered there, she never called that number again.

The movie was fun. (We went to see Shark Tale with BIL2.)

H decided he wanted to go out after we got back from the movie. I went to bed.

I had read something on the boards right before I went to bed that had me kind of upset. Not sure why it hit me so hard. As soon as I fell asleep, I started having the worst dream.

I called H and told him I had a bad dream. He asked me if I wanted him to come home. I told him no, I just needed him to talk to me so that I could wake up a little. He asked me what the dream was. I told him, in the dream, that he had said he was going to leave me again, and that he was going to go live with some girl. He asked if it was anyone specific, and I said no, just someone my mind made up.

H asked if it was because psycho called. (His favorite nickname for xrm. ) I said no, her calls stopped bothering me a few weeks ago. That I knew she wouldn't just stop calling--obviously, she can't seem to get the hint!--and that I assumed they would just taper off. It was something I had read that had upset me, and it really wasn't his fault at all, just that weird time when you're semi-awake, and the dream feels real.

We talked for nearly 30 minutes. A nice, good talk. I told him that he was still the best friend I had ever had. That I had told him more about myself than anyone else. He told me that he felt the same about me. I remember telling him that I felt like I hadn't appreciated him enough or listened to his feelings enough. He told me felt the same way. I said it's kind of funny we both felt like that.

H said he just knew we weren't happy, and that he wanted us to be like we used to. I said I knew that. He commented that I had not said anything that day to make him feel bad, and he appreciated it. (Yay for me!) I told him I had never meant to say anything to hurt him, it was inadvertant, and I hadn't realized I was upsetting him until he told me the other day. That I was just saying stuff I thought was normal chit-chat, and hadn't realized he was affected by it.

I told H I've actually been feeling pretty normal. He said he felt like we were back to the way are supposed to be, but that he was still having a hard time. He said it was probably all of the guilt, getting to him. H said he had already beat himself over it, that he had probably punished himself more than I could, which was why he was so sensitive to little things I might say. I told him I loved him.

He actually apologized for xrm--called her by name. This was the first time he had ever directly addressed it. It made me feel much, much better.

H told me he was trying really hard to do everything possible to help me feel better. I told H that I didn't get nearly as uptight or worried now as I did a few months ago. I could tell he thought about it for a second, as if he done the comparison, and said I was right. (:)) I told H I knew he was trying hard, and I appreciate everything he's done to help me feel better. He said it was hard work, but he it was definately worth it. (:D)

I told H I understood how hard it must be for him, what it must feel like. To genuinely make a mistake, and then try really hard to fix it, but nothing ever seems good enough. I told him I had thought of that before, and tried to understand his side of it and how that must feel. Which is why I was trying to keep from overreacting to ever little thing.

At some point after that it just dissolved into sappy mush. (We're both pretty sappy...that's why we get made fun of constantly by his family. It's just...well..bad...LOL)

It was actually a good conversation. Sounds heavier once I wrote it down. But we took turns, each talking and then listening. For once neither one of us was arguing about how the other felt. Actually, what I think we both used to do was "HEY!! Listen to ME and how I feel." LOL Which just made both of us feel unheard and not understood.

I really feel like I have my H back. I can't say that I feel totally fine every minute of the every day, but I feel like the weight is gone. And I feel like he's the same guy I married. For a long time there was this strange disconnect between H-now and H-when-we-were-dating. That seems to be dissolving.

I think time has been the biggest factor. Although I sometimes thought H wasn't giving the effor that I was, I don't think that's true anymore. And, what has helped me a lot, was to just do lots of fun, new things together. To bury the bad memories with new, good ones. I think that's been the most crucial for me.

[Nevanna]

I had a good night last night.

I wound up having to pick my mom up after work. She can't drive, and was "stranded" at the hair salon. (My dad wasn't answering the phone.) I got home quite a bit later than normal. H wasn't home--but I wasn't too surprised, since he had called me earlier and said he was headed to the gym. I called him; he didn't answer. I was a little uptight, since I hadn't seen or even really talked to him all day, but I was okay. So I had a cup of tea and then decided to catch up with him at the gym.

As I was headed there, I began to feel a little panicky. I'm not sure why. I just really needed to see him. It was dark and raining. I have a hard enough time seeing at night, but with the rain, the reflections are really bad with my contacts. Anyway, a couple of ambulances passed me headed the opposite direction.

I don't know why I was worked up, but that made it worse. I had gotten a little uptight because H didn't call me when I got home late. When I got to the gym, I figured I would run into him there. After I went upstairs, I was literally looking at everybody, trying to find H. I didn't see him there. I started to work out, but couldn't even get past stretching. Could literally feel the panic getting to me.

So I went down to the locker room, to see if H had called. He hadn't. I called him. This time, he answered right away. I was kind of blabbering--shaking, actually, and I can remember asking him where he was and why he hadn't answered. He said I had just missed him at the gym. He asked if I was mad, and I said no. And that he was getting ready to go to work early. He asked me to come home so he could see me.

When I got home, I just looked at H and burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't know. I was shaking all over and just crying uncontrollably. He gave me a big hug, but I just couldn't quit crying. I blabbered something about it maybe being PMS. He asked if I was mad at him, and I said no. He asked what I thought he was doing. I said nothing, I just was really panicking. H said he thought it was because I hadn't seen him.

Then he said something I hadn't expected. He actually said that he knew why I was upset--that it was okay, it was because of what he had done to me. I couldn't believe he said it. (I wasn't even thinking that, but it does make sense.)

He took his time with me, was patient and understanding. Let me cry, then helped distract me until I felt better.

While I was helping him get ready to leave, he tossed me a little package and asked if I thought it was funny. It was one of those "goody bags" they hand out at bars--the kind with a condom and some "other stuff" inside. () He asked what I thought, told me they were handing them out at the door when he went into a bar last weekend. He asked if I would have freaked out when I found it in his pants when I do laundry, and I said I didn't think so. I didn't realize until much, much later that he was making an effort to give me extra information, to make sure that I'm feeling better about us.

H went off to work. I went back to the gym. Then I decided to do something nice for him. He's been doing so much for me to reassure me, and I appreciate him soooo much for it. I picked up a red rose and a small card, and wanted to put them in his car to find when he got out of work. Unfortunately I couldn't find where the car was parked last night, drove around for 20 minutes until after midnight , then went home and left them for him on the coffee table.

When I crawled into bed, I called H just to say goodnight. He sounded surprised--but very happy--to hear from me. Actually, he kept talking, even after I was ready to go to sleep. Said he was having fun, but that he would probably come home soon. (It was an optional work night for him...he went into do some flair.)

I remember a time when I wondered why I had to do all the work. Well...I can honestly say, now, it was definately worth it. H being so wonderful and so incredibly great--he's doing so much to reassure me, even when I realize it's just my own crazymaker on the loose. It makes me feel so much more secure about us. I am so, so glad I stuck this out. I can honestly say I have him back. He's the guy I dated, he's the guy I married, he's the guy I've missed throughout this whole mess.

I kind of got to wondering how he knew to do all of these things so that I would feel better. I did ask him the other day if he was tempted to ever look here on the boards. I haven't hidden this from him since we reconciled, and I do know that he would know exactly who I was by my username. I actually asked him the other day if he got tempted to read what I wrote, and he said "sometimes." It is a little weird, knowing he might read this stuff. But I'm okay with it. (It is a public site. )

Okay, enough speculation. H is incredible, and that's all I care about. (And honey, if you ever do read this stuff...I love you. )

[Nevanna]

I've been kicking this one around for awhile...wasn't sure what I thought about it, since it seems like a weird issue to be having.

My H is great. He is better than great. Not only is every problem I ever had with our R changed--and dramatically!--for the better...I swear H has turned into my dream husband. I mean, sure, there's minor friction...but it's so little...after all, we're human...

Here's the problem.

I feel guilty about it.

He's sweet, attentive. If he thinks I'm the least little bit upset, he wants to make it better. He'll come and hug me or hold me or listen to me, whatever it is I need. He even left me alone when I asked him for that, too.

He cooks for me. He cleans while I'm at work. Calls me during the day just to tell me he misses. H wants me to do things with me--he asked me to play Halo with him earlier. (Which I haaaaate, but I did for him.) He asks me to go to the gym with, wants me to sleep on the couch when I go to bed so that I will be close to him.

H apologizes for hurting me. He actually told me--and has said this several times--that he wants to share everything with me, so that I will trust him. He makes a point of telling me about his phone calls and what he's doing. Because, and I can't believe he said this, he broke my trust and realizes that's his fault.

And I feel guilty about it!!

I feel guilty...because I'm still hurting. Not like I was. Not even close to like I was. But I'm still hurt, and H can see that.

I realize that it takes time to feel better. But he's being so incredible, more than I could have even asked for...I hate the fact that I don't feel okay yet. I hate the fact that my being upset hurts him, and I wish I could just get on with my life and put this behind us once and for all.

There's a part of me that honestly doesn't think I deserve this wonderful treatment from H. Why? I don't know. H was like this all of the time before we fell apart. A part of me feels like I didn't appreciate him enough before.

And then I feel bad, because I remember how I used to whine and complain that I needed more affection/attention/understanding from H. I can remember writing on my threads, and saying how I need more reassurance and affection from him. And now that I have it, I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't show him enough how much I appreciate him.

I've been trying though. Finally did something I had been planning to for a long time. I went out and bought him a rose and a card (and a DVD set of his favorite show) and left them in his car as a surprise Saturday while he was at work. I try to make time to leave him cut texts on the cell.

It sounds so inane. I never thought I would have this problem...and I was even more worried about posting it, since it's so much the opposite of everyone else. But I was hoping maybe I could get some insight.

[kml]

Oh, Nevanna, I can relate! I still struggle some days - because being totally there with my H, letting down all my walls, just feels so freaking vulnerable, that sometimes they start going back up without me even noticing. Intimacy with someone who has hurt you so badly is scary, scary, scary - so we hold back a little bit, hold onto some of the pain, try to "protect" ourselves - even though this kind of "protection" actually makes it MORE likely we will end up hurt, not less.

It just takes time, honey. Your pain is legitimate - so is the pain and guilt and confusion he feels when he sees your hurt.

Ellie

[ANewMe]

I would have no idea about all the good in your R because H just thought I should "get over it already, I made a mistake." But I do know that your feeling of security was shattered by H actions and it will take some time to pick up every piece and put it back together.

Just relax as much as you can and enjoy being with H again. The rest will come with time.

[sage]

Wow, Ellie...your reply to Nevanna really helped me a lot.

Nevanna, thanks for putting your thoughts/fears out there.

Sage

[Nevanna]

Hugs to luv, kml, and sage for stopping in.

It's amazing to me how often just writing stuff down on here makes me feel better. It's the combination of putting my feelings into words, as well as knowing other people care and will read it.

Feeling better today. Actually, I feel more good than bad these days...which, in and of itself is a bit of a miracle. I can honestly say that there are times when I feel exactly about H as I did before all of this started. Just want to increase those times...

Sometimes I think H has more patience with me than I do...and I swear, he's doing exactly what I need to feel better. Maybe something just clicked for him. I'm still suspicious he may have looked through my threads... I know he would know my username immediately. (I mean, I'm so beyond hiding it, I gave the same name to my custom Halo guy the other day.)

The other thing I've noticed, and I have no idea why this is, I can't hardly seem to cry when he's around anymore. Maybe because he shut me down so bad in the past. (I was pretty bad, during the whole moving out process.) As soon as he walks at the door, I'm a flood. Which, interestingly, means that when I'm done, I feel great for a couple of days afterwards. (Yeah, I know, I can see the whole cycle thing in it...last stage is sadness, then acceptance...I'm clearly bouncing back and forth.) And then all I want is to run up and give him a huge hug.

Something else I've noticed, and I don't know if this is a result of my time spent DBing or what. H is actually more comfortable with me than he ever has been. He's let me in much, much more. It's like his walls came down...maybe not all of the way, but a whole lot lower than they ever have been in the past. Time spent validating? That I was only one who stood by him when the past few months? That I was always there for him? I don't know. But it makes me feel better.

Psycho xrm still calls, but whatever. Getting beyond where that means anything to me...the girl is out of her mind, and H and I both know it. As long as she's not doing anything where I feel in physical danger, she's not worth my time. (Although I did answer H's cell when she called a few times...that was really fun... His idea; he thought it was pretty funny.)

H told me I was being "too sensitive" the other day when I mentioned that part of my problem is I literally feel like I can't escape from the whole cheating/seperation nonsense--that it's on TV and the radio all around us. Not five minutes later, a plot on TV features (drumroll) an older couple who is going through a seperation. I just hopped up and down and told him I was right!! LOL He just laughed at me.

One little thing that does make me nervous... H is going to San Diego this Sunday for four days. (Back Wednesday.) With a couple of coworkers to help this one lady go get her daughter. The FC (female coworker) doesn't speak English, so he's going as an interpreter. The other coworker is male. The thing that really gets me....is that he dated her (for about a week) at one point.

I knew he had dated her while they were working together. (Okay, so he just quit that job, I guess they're not really current coworkers...) But he would never tell me the level of their involvement. I got everything from "I don't kiss and tell" to "I work with her, it's none of your business, it's private" ...

Well, last night I told him I was feeling weird about the brief trip. I told him it wasn't just about FC (it's really not), and told him the other reasons. Then I asked again how involved he was with her in the past. He wavered again, and I pointed out they no longer worked together. And that I had a right to know since they are going together somewhere. He finally agreed, and admitted that they had slept together in the past. (I had already assumed that, from his dodginess about the subject before.)

Then he got very upset, said that I had forced it out of him. I think maybe he expected me to get upset or flip out. Which I didn't. (Wasn't even fighting myself.) He asked me if I wanted him to tell them he couldn't go, and I said no...they had already purchased his ticket. I held him and massaged his shoulders for awhile.

I'm still bothered by the fact that he lied to me about how many sexual partners he's had. I just recently found out the truth. He says he thought I wouldn't date him if I had known before. I feel I have a right to know because it affects my health. (His argument: he always used protection.) I doubt I would have not dated him...just asked him to get tested. (I also think he's ashamed and embarrassed about it. More than once, I've heard him say "I thought she was going to be my girlfriend.")

But things are, still, very smooth. A lot of this is just my own personal roller coaster. Time...