I wound up having to pick my mom up after work. She can't drive, and was "stranded" at the hair salon. (My dad wasn't answering the phone.) I got home quite a bit later than normal. H wasn't home--but I wasn't too surprised, since he had called me earlier and said he was headed to the gym. I called him; he didn't answer. I was a little uptight, since I hadn't seen or even really talked to him all day, but I was okay. So I had a cup of tea and then decided to catch up with him at the gym.
As I was headed there, I began to feel a little panicky. I'm not sure why. I just really needed to see him. It was dark and raining. I have a hard enough time seeing at night, but with the rain, the reflections are really bad with my contacts. Anyway, a couple of ambulances passed me headed the opposite direction.
I don't know why I was worked up, but that made it worse. I had gotten a little uptight because H didn't call me when I got home late. When I got to the gym, I figured I would run into him there. After I went upstairs, I was literally looking at everybody, trying to find H. I didn't see him there. I started to work out, but couldn't even get past stretching. Could literally feel the panic getting to me.
So I went down to the locker room, to see if H had called. He hadn't. I called him. This time, he answered right away. I was kind of blabbering--shaking, actually, and I can remember asking him where he was and why he hadn't answered. He said I had just missed him at the gym. He asked if I was mad, and I said no. And that he was getting ready to go to work early. He asked me to come home so he could see me.
When I got home, I just looked at H and burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't know. I was shaking all over and just crying uncontrollably. He gave me a big hug, but I just couldn't quit crying. I blabbered something about it maybe being PMS. He asked if I was mad at him, and I said no. He asked what I thought he was doing. I said nothing, I just was really panicking. H said he thought it was because I hadn't seen him.
Then he said something I hadn't expected. He actually said that he knew why I was upset--that it was okay, it was because of what he had done to me. I couldn't believe he said it. (I wasn't even thinking that, but it does make sense.)
He took his time with me, was patient and understanding. Let me cry, then helped distract me until I felt better.
While I was helping him get ready to leave, he tossed me a little package and asked if I thought it was funny. It was one of those "goody bags" they hand out at bars--the kind with a condom and some "other stuff" inside. () He asked what I thought, told me they were handing them out at the door when he went into a bar last weekend. He asked if I would have freaked out when I found it in his pants when I do laundry, and I said I didn't think so. I didn't realize until much, much later that he was making an effort to give me extra information, to make sure that I'm feeling better about us.
H went off to work. I went back to the gym. Then I decided to do something nice for him. He's been doing so much for me to reassure me, and I appreciate him soooo much for it. I picked up a red rose and a small card, and wanted to put them in his car to find when he got out of work. Unfortunately I couldn't find where the car was parked last night, drove around for 20 minutes until after midnight , then went home and left them for him on the coffee table.
When I crawled into bed, I called H just to say goodnight. He sounded surprised--but very happy--to hear from me. Actually, he kept talking, even after I was ready to go to sleep. Said he was having fun, but that he would probably come home soon. (It was an optional work night for him...he went into do some flair.)
I remember a time when I wondered why I had to do all the work. Well...I can honestly say, now, it was definately worth it. H being so wonderful and so incredibly great--he's doing so much to reassure me, even when I realize it's just my own crazymaker on the loose. It makes me feel so much more secure about us. I am so, so glad I stuck this out. I can honestly say I have him back. He's the guy I dated, he's the guy I married, he's the guy I've missed throughout this whole mess.
I kind of got to wondering how he knew to do all of these things so that I would feel better. I did ask him the other day if he was tempted to ever look here on the boards. I haven't hidden this from him since we reconciled, and I do know that he would know exactly who I was by my username. I actually asked him the other day if he got tempted to read what I wrote, and he said "sometimes." It is a little weird, knowing he might read this stuff. But I'm okay with it. (It is a public site. )
Okay, enough speculation. H is incredible, and that's all I care about. (And honey, if you ever do read this stuff...I love you. )
(My dad wasn't answering the phone.) I got home quite a bit later than normal. H wasn't home--but I wasn't too surprised, since he had called me earlier and said he was headed to the gym. I called him; he didn't answer. I was a little uptight, since I hadn't seen or even really talked to him all day, but I was okay. So I had a cup of tea and then decided to catch up with him at the gym.
) He asked what I thought, told me they were handing them out at the door when he went into a bar last weekend. He asked if I would have freaked out when I found it in his pants when I do laundry, and I said I didn't think so. I didn't realize until much, much later that he was making an effort to give me extra information, to make sure that I'm feeling better about us. 
