moving forward II -- it's a bright, sun-shiny day!

[Nevanna]

Yuck, I have my appointment today to get the abnormal growth frozen off. Not looking forward to it.

I have tons of stuff to update on...psycho xrm still calls...but I haven't had time to go into that kind of detail lately. Hopefully tonight.

Wish me luck at the doctors!

[Nevanna]

So the doctor's appointment wasn't nearly as bad this time. I drug H out of bed to go with me. I was really anxious about this one after how bad the last appointment made me feel. I made sure to take the 4 Advil an hour ahead of time as advised. The procedure itself was a little uncomfortable, some cramping afterward, but nothing like before.

Although the machine broke down just before he finished. I had already had to wait a few weeks for the thing to get fixed before I went in yesterday... Ah, well. It should have gotten rid of the growth, but we'll see. I go back for a pap in three months, and then we'll go from there.

So...the last few weeks have been interesting.

Not too long after my last post (where I was feeling sooo calm and in control and happy!) I had a bit of a meltdown. I'm pretty sure it was triggered by the fact that is the one-year anniversary of bomb #1. It was the shorter of our two seps--three weeks, really--but was the worst. That's when the twisted EA thing with xow was going on...that's when the PA happened...

Anyway, I had a lot of anxiety. Tons of it, in fact. I had not handled that situation well, at all. This was months before I stumble on DB. I think I may have come close to a nervous breakdown at one point. I know I was in severe denial a lot of the time.

It wasn't so much what had happened that struck me...but how I felt at the time. Remember all those feelings... It wasn't nearly as intense as when I experienced it--at the time I felt like I was drowning--but still very haunting for me.

Then I sort of shut down for a few weeks. I think I was shell-shocked from the memories. I don't know. I just walled up, and shut H out. I could feel that I was doing it, but I just didn't know how to bring that wall down. I wanted to be able to let him in...but I just couldn't. I went through this intense period of feeling the ILYBNILY crap. And the worst part was...I wanted to feel in love with him!

So I went through, what I'm guessing, most WAS do, mentally. I knew I wasn't going to leave. But I felt trapped. Like I was staying out of obligation. I didn't want to leave because I felt like I had made a commitment...I didn't want to hurt H, and I certainly didn't want to go through that nonsense again myself. (I was afraid of us getting into some stupid, circular pattern, where we take turns running away from the problems!)

I felt like I was going through the motions. H was being very sweet and caring, but it didn't seem to have an impact on me. I felt like I was watching myself do things, without any real feeling behind them. I wondered why I would stick it out with a guy who had disrespected me. How I could have misjudged him so thoroughly. I never, ever thought my H could hurt me like that. And I thought I deserved an M where my H had been, and always would be, faithful to me.

I really wanted to share all of this with him, but I just couldn't. That damned wall was there, and I didn't know why. Just seemed to be getting thicker and nastier. I felt so numb. And all I could think about was how I wanted my H and our M back the way I remembered it could be. But my mind just seemed stuck in this stupid loop of all of the hurt he had caused me...

Then I began to notice a few things about myself. Actions speak louder than words, right? Well, I noticed that I still missed him when he was away. That I still reached out to hold his hand, or touch his shoulder. This whole time I was feeling locked inside myself, I was still acting like I was in love with him. Was I doing it out of habit? I didn't think so...that didn't make sense to me.

Not too long after that, I realized that stupid wall was up because I was afraid of feeling the hurt. I was afraid of the pain. My feeling numb was just protection from the all of that pent up fear and pain. I wonder if that's what the WAS are feeling? Numb because they're hurt--deep, deep, down, and can't deal with it. I was subconsciously keeping my H away because I was terrified of him leaving again. I just didn't want to hurt anymore.

I could feel myself soften after I figured that out. I was able to let H in a little closer again. Poor guy new there was something weird with me, he just didn't say anything. (I wish he would have!)

Then I decided I was being too hard on myself. The more I focussed on feeling distant from my H, the worse it got. So I decided to ignore it. When I started to relax some, things got easier. I started feeling better about the relationship.

And then I started crying.

For days.

It was uncontrollable, side-aching, deep-down-pain, crying. I lost it at all kinds of weird times. Sometimes I couldn't even figure out what had started it. H blamed PMS, but it wasn't timed right. Those buried feelings had finally gotten out, and there was no stopping it!

I stopped crying just a couple of days, and man, do I feel better. It kind of dawned on me that I wasn't angry anymore. At all. I hadn't b!tched about xrm, really, in weeks. Although I had stopped blaming H a long time ago, I would still feel irritated or angry at him--just tried to keep it in check so that I wouldn't hurt him. That was gone, too. So, duh, I must have moved on from the anger phase to mourning. Thus all the crying.

I'm strangely not that obsessed with xrm anymore. Oh, she's still crazy, and she calls pretty much every 5 days or so. (H hasn't talked to her in weeks...) She still hasn't done anything that makes us feel it's necessary to go the police. We talked about it, and had a couple of ideas on how to get her stop calling. H's was to start calling her and harassing her over the money she owes him. I said maybe he should pull what Chandler did with his nutty roommate in Friends--start acting crazy back!! Whatever. But, other than that, we ignore her, and just go on with life.

I realized, ultimately, I'm still with H because I love him. He's human. We both are. Neither of us have been in many relationships. Although my parents are still married and (appear) to be doing well, his father was a deadbeat loser and his mother has been divorced for years. I guess we're both still figuring out how to be in a longterm relationsip. And...we really do work well together. Our personalities compliment each other. We sort of balance out. And, on top of that, we have fun together. I couldn't imagine anyone else. (He actually commented last night, while we were watching Friends--his favorite show, believe it or not--that we were like Monica and Chandler..."perfect for each other." )

So I'm now feeling much better. I gave serious thought to leaving him for a few weeks. I guess I needed to allow myself to explore that option in order to understand why I was staying. I never made a move to do it. I didn't tell him...because, well, I knew I wasn't really going to. If that makes any sense at all!

I think my distance has made him sensitive for awhile. I was the one who had the nasty appointment at the doctor's yesterday, but he's needed attention for several days now. I think that's how he asks for reassurance. He broke down, too, a few nights back...how he felt horrible for all the things that had happened and couldn't believe he had done it. And he's needed extra attention ever since.

I've also found I don't jump to conclusions about his motives nearly as much now. Which has made me a much happier person. I used to always assume that he didn't like something I did or was mad at me...my insecurities definately skewed my perceptions. Now I just ask him--without being accusatory --and it's not such a big deal.

I'm also amazed at how he changed while we were apart, too. For the better! I still see it, even now, all the little things that he's made an effort to change for me.

I'm just now really, truly beginning to believe he's not going to take off on me again. And that is such a huge relief. Not that he was doing anything to make me think that...in fact, he's been wonderful...but I guess after he came back once only to take off on me a second time...well, that can make a person a little gunshy.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[Nevanna]

Okay, I need some help. I'm depressed. I admit it. Usually my mood swings are tied to what I eat, and I can even them out fairly quickly. Exercise and eating right keep me in check. But I can't seem to stop crying.

I keep having all these crazy thoughts, and I don't know how to handle them. And I can't seem to stop crying once I'm at home.

I'm somehow convinced that all men cheat. That it always happen, sooner or later. So I might as well stay with H because I do love him and I know he loves me. And he's so good to me. But deep down, I'm afraid that it really wouldn't matter, because even if I did leave him and start dating someone new, the same thing would just happen again. I know that can't really be true, but that's what my mind keeps telling me.

The worst part is, I wasn't even this upset when I was living by myself and H was still acting all rude and was shacked up with crazy lady! It's like all those nights I managed to keep myself under control have caught up with me again.

I'm doing eveything I can think of that always made me feel better before. I realize I've been cooped up at home too much lately, because of all of the medical stuff. So I've made lots of plans with my closest friends the next couple of weekends. And H is, more than likely, going to quit his Saturday job soon, so we can go out and do things together. I'm eating right. I'm exercising. I even went out and pampered myself a little--bought new running shoes and new clothes--with my new salary.

But I still feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.

And the kicker is...H is being great. More than great! He's bought me stuff. He brought home flowers just last weekend. He's spending time with me, cuddling with me on the couch, and trying to think of things we can do together. Every time he hears me even start to sniffle, he comes over to see what's wrong. (Which in itself is a small miracle! He used to ignore me!) I got a little weird about something on his phone, and he spent ten minutes trying to reassure me. OMG, I couldn't ask for more!

It's like my crazymaker just got out of the looney bin or something. My mind hasn't been this stuck on our situation in months!

Is it because I'm no longer preoccupied with the psycho xrm? I don't feel directly threatened, so now I can crumble? Is it because H is being so incredibly nice and considerate? (And is that why, then, when us LBS are nice to the walk-aways, they eventually crumble??)

I'm so confused. And so hurt. (It may sound childish, but I liked being angry better...)

I feel like my fair-tale got crushed. Maybe it was cheesy, but I really thought I had found the guy who was supposed to be my version of "prince charming." (Nevermind I always thought "prince charming" was boring. ) I honestly thought we were different...that we were somehow special. That nothing like this would ever happen to us. And, looking back, I can't believe we wound up this way. The guy I thought my H was would never have behaved this way.

And then I notice how all our troubles started as soon as he found out his brothers had been shipped off to war. We were jerked around for four months--they're leaving, they're staying, they're leaving tomorrow...they can go home...ACK! And when his brothers finally did leave, it was incredibly abrupt. One day they were supposed to go home (they're n'tl guard), and H went on vacation to visit family in Mexico. Then BIL2 calls me and tells me that BIL1 has already left and he's headed out the next day. I remember I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I blurted it out on the phone to H the next time he called.

When he came back he wasn't the same. I remember I was soooo excited to see him. He was gone 10 days--the longest we had ever been apart--and I could't wait until he got off the plane. When he did, he just sort of brushed past me, and asked if he could drive. No big hug, like I had expected. No kiss. No ILY or I missed you. Just "Let's go home." It was honestly the first time I had ever felt rejected by him, and it hurt so bad. This was the guy who, when I had gotten back from vacation with my mom just a month earlier, litteraly attacked me once I walked in the door.

I swear, all our problems--our serious problems--started after they left. Not that I wasn't doing stuff wrong in the M. It just seemed like the little things had never mattered to either of us before. I remember thinking, right after bomb #1, that all I had to do was sit tight until hid brothers were supposed to come home.

And you know what? We reconciled within weeks of their coming home. I mean, WTF? Was it really that he couldn't handle the stress of their being gone? (He certainly didn't take it well!) And if that's the case...what does it mean about our M if something else bad happens??

Intellectually, I know it was a mistake for him. And I know he beats himself up about it, probably more than me. I just feel so hurt. I really believed it was going to be okay the first time we reconciled. But then I got knocked down again... And now, in the back of my mind, I'm always wondering if it's going to happen again. In a year? Two? Five? Ten? What if he goes through MLC? Am I really willing to go through all of this again for him??

There's a weird part of me that would just like to be alone. All alone, and peace and quiet. Not let anyone else in again so I won't get hurt. Childish, I know. Maybe I still have issues dealing from my childhood. I was the high school geek and all that...few friends, always picked last, always made fun of. Yeah, I'm over a lot of it...but a big part of LL is WOA. And all those nasty things said to me all those years...well, some of them got deeper than I like to admit. H was the first person outside of my family I really, truly let in. I trusted him. He was the one person, in my entire life, I finally felt comfortable enough with to be able to talk to him about how I felt. I always kept it bottled away from other people. (Something I've been working very hard at rectifying the last few months!) And then...he hurt me more than anyone else ever could have. It was like, on some level, I was finally proven right--can't let anyone in, because they'll just make fun of me or wind up not liking me, or leave me. I know that's not true...but it's how I always felt.

And then there's this weird part of me that doesn't believe in love anymore. I see my good friend and her BF, and a part of me wants to tell her that it will only break down at some point, that it will all fall apart. So why get married? Ugh, I know that's not true, either, but it just keeps popping up in my head.

And I managed to gain a little weight. When I was living apart from H, I doubled my time at the gym--added in a huge amount of cardio. Lost some weight, and felt really good about how I looked for the first time in my life. Since I moved, I somehow spend less time there. (A schedule change at work also contributed to that.) And I gained the weight back...plus a little more. The worst part is that I really am a small person. My clothing size is fairly small. But all my clothes suddenly don't fit, and I'm feeling fat. Stupid, I know, but I do. (Probably because my clothes don't fit!)

Phew...that's a lot of stuff I've had on my mind, some of it for a long time... Maybe getting it out in writing will help. I'm afraid a lot of this may be just mindless ranting on my part...but hopefully writing it down will help get it all out of my system.

[MovingForward]

I don't have any advice but I am going through this myself. I read your post and said OMG that is exactly what is going through my head the past few days.

I am assuming this is a normal part of the grief process. If not, I'll see you in the looney bin

[Nevanna]

I am assuming this is a normal part of the grief process.

Yeah, me too.

I finally decided I needed to get it out of me, and did I feel sooo much better afterwards last night. I really don't believe he's a bad guy, or I wouldn't stick it out with him.

I had a good, long cry. And when H got back from the gym, I told him I had gotten upset. I can tell he's getting a littler exasperated with me. But, that's okay.

The interesting thing is...I don't seem to be getting upset over specific events anymore. I guess that's progress. Just...overall feeling hurt/betrayed.

So we decided to have a little champaigne last night. After I admitted to H that I had been upset, while he was popping the champaigne open, I was joking at this rate, if he goes to the army soon, we won't even get to have our third anniversary. (Our first one we were too broke, our second...well...that was right after bomb #2.) So he got this big cheesy grin and declared "Happy Anniversary!" (It's in March. )

The chaimpagne was nice. I just had a little, and was laying on the couch next to him since I needed to go to bed. Although every time, lately, when H drinks...he gets upset. (With H, drinking strips off his outer "protective" layers, and usually you get what he's really feeling.)

So we were curled up on the couch together, just talking. (Which really, even that, makes me feel better.) H got upset then. Kept going on and on about how he couldn't believe he let things get out of hand. (Bomb #2, I'm guessing. We rarely talk about the first sep...I think we're both over it.) How he should have done this different, or he could have done that. Then he said he was afraid of having MLC, and hoped maybe that was what this was. (Doubtful.)

I told H a lot of the MLC I could handle--sex, new cars, the gym --as long as he didn't decide to run out and trade me in for someone new. He said he wouldn't do that--couldn't do that. Said that he knew pretty early on that xrm was nuts, and was trying to figure out how to get out of the mess. (And I do know--through snooping, bad me!--that he did try to get other, male roommates before he let her move in.)

H confessed that when he came to visit me while I was staying at his mom's house, he nearly snapped and just wanted me home so badly. This was right after the bomb, and just a couple of weeks after he asked me to leave the apartment. I had stopped staying in hotels and with friends, and stayed at MIL's while she was out of town for the week. (She had asked H to ask me to...she doesn't feel comfortable with an empty house while she was gone.) Anyway, H had driven down to see me...and, well, one thing led to another and we wound up with the most intense sex we've ever had. H told me that, that night, when he held me afterward, he was afraid that he was going to really lose me. (He also left, then came back, about as soon as he got to his house!)

Anyway, last night, H told me he nearly cracked at that point and wanted me to come home more than anything. (In retrospect, that makes sense...he kept calling me/wanting to see me. There's a part of me that wonders that, if I had acted differently, we could have reconciled
sooner...but I guess it doesn't matter.)

I felt better talking with him. Talking always makes me feel closer to him.

He did wind up getting drunk. He's been doing that more lately. Not out of control, but more than he normally does. But that meant he kept trying to wake me up to talk to me. Not a big deal--but I work on the weekdays! Kept saying he missed me. Guess he wanted to talk to me. (And then he complains that I wake him up too early on the weekends!! Sheesh... )

[Lyrael]

Nev-
First, here's a big hug for you! You have no idea how many times I've wished we lived closer so we could go out and have coffee or something when things got tough.

You are so good at encouraging yourself through your down times, and I know how very hard that can be! The sad, angry, hurt, and betrayed feelings don't go away quickly, I guess. I try to accept how I feel, to nurture myself through the sadness, anger, or whatever, and to directly express how I feel to my H, without blame or recriminations. In fact, what a ghreat 3-step plan that is for emotional crises! Just for my own benefit, I am going to break it out into that:
1) Identify and accept my emotions of the moment.
2) Nurture myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
3) Express feelings directly, without accusation or blaming, to my H.

I think Step 3 can be optional, but a lot of times it allows my H to nurture me as well, and gives him the chance to be a part of my healing. That seems to be good for both of us. I also think part of step one is fighting against irrational thoughts and fears...something like "It's okay to feel this way, but it doesn't mean that what you're afraid of will happen. This fear will pass, and you WILL be okay." I actually have to say stuff like this to myself mentally, because my brain tends to run away with me.

It seems like these negative spurts happen occasionally for me, and I am more susceptible to them when I am tired, stressed, or hormonal. They're also more intense when I am feeling sad or scared about something else (my health, my relationship with my parents, etc), so I try to rule out something else bothering me as a cause or contributor to my snit.

My H is okay with my feelings, as long as he doesn't feel blamed or attacked with them. He is doing great, and he is so loving! He brought me a cup of hot tea this morning in bed, and was really understanding of me not wanting to be, erm, "friendly" because I was so tired and worn out. I really try to pay attention these days to the balance of our relationship - to make sure that I am both supporting and allowing myself to be supportive at different times. Hmm, I think I need to do something nice for him tonight - fix myself up, nice dinner, maybe a backrub later? He has had a rough week...anyway, I am rambling.

I hope none of what I said comes off as preachy or anything like that. I always hope that in sharing stuff that I am experiencing, you'll find something to take away for yourself.
You're doing great, Nevanna!
Hugs,
Myrrh

[Nevanna]

Myrrh...no, you didn't come off as preachy. It's all stuff I know, just hit a brick wall for the night, I guess, and needed to hear it again. I feel amazingly better after getting all that off my chest.

I also think part of step one is fighting against irrational thoughts and fears...something like "It's okay to feel this way, but it doesn't mean that what you're afraid of will happen. This fear will pass, and you WILL be okay." I actually have to say stuff like this to myself mentally, because my brain tends to run away with me.

I do the same thing.

My biggest problem is...H is too sensitive. Okay, that's one of the things I love about him. But he also takes my emotions too personally. (He actually told me the other night that his job is to make me happy.) So whenever I get upset, he automatically feels that he is to blame if it's about our sitch at all.

I'm very careful about what I say. I don't use accusatory language. I don't say "you did this" or anything like that. (Even when I want to!) Often I just go ask for a hug. But the fact that I get upset--and he has explicitly told me that--makes him feel like I'm blaming him. So...I've found I have to be careful about how much I let out around him. Which, I think, is what's leading to my little occasional meltdowns.

He's actually handling it better than he used to. He used to shut me out or become angry (defensive). So this actually is progress. I've told him a couple of times that he's not responsible for my happiness, I am...but he just argues with me.

But H is working sooo hard, and he's been so incredibly wonderful...sometimes I feel guilty for still feeling hurt or depressed. He has a hard enough time forgiving himself, that I hate to add to that.

Time heals. I don't feel nearly as raw as I used to. And I think, when we do get the chance to move, that will be a great relief as well. I am looking forward to starting a new chapter in our lives--moving, getting a house, starting a family... I think all of those things will help.

You have no idea how many times I've wished we lived closer so we could go out and have coffee or something when things got tough.

Me to. There are so few people who understand this process... I actually have some very good friends I can talk to, but they haven't actually been through it, so they just really empathize with me more than anything.

Thanks for stopping in.

[Nevanna]

Just goes to show what a difference 24 hours makes.

So, last night, I'm curled up on the couch. H went to open the club. I'm watching Superman (Christopher Reeve), which I haven't seen in years.

And then, it dawned on me! I felt exactly the same way about H that I used to...but hadn't felt in over a year. Wasn't thinking about our mess at all. He wasn't even home, and I felt all safe and secure about us. I had begun to wonder if I would ever feel like he was that person again. Wow. It really took me by surprise...and made me feel so much better. I guess my biggest fear has been that I never thought I could ever feel the same way about him or us again...and even if was short-lived last night, it just goes to show me that it's possible.

H also told me last night that he wished we could spend more time together. I'm wondering how that's even possible, but that's not exactly a bad thing. He then told me that QT must be a bigger component of his LL than he had previously thought.

That did kind of hurt. Not as stinging as some of the other revelations have been...but it did ache to hear him say that. I thought of how he had literally ditched me for xow, before bomb #1. How I had finally gotten mad at him one night, and told him it was ridiculous that he spend more time wit his "best friend" than he did with me... And, how, just before bomb #2 he was ditching me again for all of his newfound "friends." (People, BTW, that he doesn't even talk to now!)

I had always thought that QT was not that big of a deal to him. But, after he said that, it does make sense. Lately, he keeps asking me to go on errands with him or to go with him or stay up with him...

And, right when xow came along, our schedules were so incredibly bad, we really weren't spending much time together. He started working second shift at this bar, and I was working overtime and my job so we could try to catch up on bills. Looking back, that makes me feel so guilty...but we just couldn't hardly afford just our living costs. All I was trying to do was make sure we could eat.

(And, to be fair, H is going way out of his way to make sure he's not ditching me anymore.)

Although, H seems to be kind of tiring of bartending. (!!! ) It was always supposed to be just a temporary thing, anyway...just until I got a job and he could go to school. But then he was sooo into it--all that stupid bartending with that stupid flair. Lately, though, he's been less interested in doing the flair shoes, and has even been getting annoyed with and complaining about a guy he works with who doesn't shut up about bartending. (He actually complained that all this guy talked about was bartending and flair! Which is what H used to do... )

Not that I hate the bartending...just got kind of sick of how he wouldn't ever shut up about it. I'm glad to see he's getting back to the way he used to be around me. I missed that. And that's the guy I really wanted, anyway. It's nice to know that side of him really was still under there, somewhere.

[ANewMe]

I am glad you are feeling better. I can understand how your H feels about bartending. I did it for 6 1/2 years and then bartended and waited tables for another 3 or 4 years a couple of years ago while in community college full time.

It is fun at first, then after a while, it gets really old. Especially when you are tired and want to go home and you have to deal with people who have been drinking and some are incredibly stupid after a few drinks. It makes you watch what you are doing when you are out having a few.

It is so nice to hear from someone who has won the DB war!

[Nevanna]

luv--I don't know if I've won the "war"...but most of the battles are with myself now instead of between myself and H.

But thanks for dropping by. Although I still feel up and down and all over the place...we have evened out a lot, and have gotten--I hope--much more stable.