Quote: I am assuming this is a normal part of the grief process.
Yeah, me too.
I finally decided I needed to get it out of me, and did I feel sooo much better afterwards last night. I really don't believe he's a bad guy, or I wouldn't stick it out with him.
I had a good, long cry. And when H got back from the gym, I told him I had gotten upset. I can tell he's getting a littler exasperated with me. But, that's okay.
The interesting thing is...I don't seem to be getting upset over specific events anymore. I guess that's progress. Just...overall feeling hurt/betrayed.
So we decided to have a little champaigne last night. After I admitted to H that I had been upset, while he was popping the champaigne open, I was joking at this rate, if he goes to the army soon, we won't even get to have our third anniversary. (Our first one we were too broke, our second...well...that was right after bomb #2.) So he got this big cheesy grin and declared "Happy Anniversary!" (It's in March. )
The chaimpagne was nice. I just had a little, and was laying on the couch next to him since I needed to go to bed. Although every time, lately, when H drinks...he gets upset. (With H, drinking strips off his outer "protective" layers, and usually you get what he's really feeling.)
So we were curled up on the couch together, just talking. (Which really, even that, makes me feel better.) H got upset then. Kept going on and on about how he couldn't believe he let things get out of hand. (Bomb #2, I'm guessing. We rarely talk about the first sep...I think we're both over it.) How he should have done this different, or he could have done that. Then he said he was afraid of having MLC, and hoped maybe that was what this was. (Doubtful.)
I told H a lot of the MLC I could handle--sex, new cars, the gym --as long as he didn't decide to run out and trade me in for someone new. He said he wouldn't do that--couldn't do that. Said that he knew pretty early on that xrm was nuts, and was trying to figure out how to get out of the mess. (And I do know--through snooping, bad me!--that he did try to get other, male roommates before he let her move in.)
H confessed that when he came to visit me while I was staying at his mom's house, he nearly snapped and just wanted me home so badly. This was right after the bomb, and just a couple of weeks after he asked me to leave the apartment. I had stopped staying in hotels and with friends, and stayed at MIL's while she was out of town for the week. (She had asked H to ask me to...she doesn't feel comfortable with an empty house while she was gone.) Anyway, H had driven down to see me...and, well, one thing led to another and we wound up with the most intense sex we've ever had. H told me that, that night, when he held me afterward, he was afraid that he was going to really lose me. (He also left, then came back, about as soon as he got to his house!)
Anyway, last night, H told me he nearly cracked at that point and wanted me to come home more than anything. (In retrospect, that makes sense...he kept calling me/wanting to see me. There's a part of me that wonders that, if I had acted differently, we could have reconciled sooner...but I guess it doesn't matter.)
I felt better talking with him. Talking always makes me feel closer to him.
He did wind up getting drunk. He's been doing that more lately. Not out of control, but more than he normally does. But that meant he kept trying to wake me up to talk to me. Not a big deal--but I work on the weekdays! Kept saying he missed me. Guess he wanted to talk to me. (And then he complains that I wake him up too early on the weekends!! Sheesh... )
) 
