Okay, I need some help. I'm depressed. I admit it. Usually my mood swings are tied to what I eat, and I can even them out fairly quickly. Exercise and eating right keep me in check. But I can't seem to stop crying.

I keep having all these crazy thoughts, and I don't know how to handle them. And I can't seem to stop crying once I'm at home.

I'm somehow convinced that all men cheat. That it always happen, sooner or later. So I might as well stay with H because I do love him and I know he loves me. And he's so good to me. But deep down, I'm afraid that it really wouldn't matter, because even if I did leave him and start dating someone new, the same thing would just happen again. I know that can't really be true, but that's what my mind keeps telling me.

The worst part is, I wasn't even this upset when I was living by myself and H was still acting all rude and was shacked up with crazy lady! It's like all those nights I managed to keep myself under control have caught up with me again.

I'm doing eveything I can think of that always made me feel better before. I realize I've been cooped up at home too much lately, because of all of the medical stuff. So I've made lots of plans with my closest friends the next couple of weekends. And H is, more than likely, going to quit his Saturday job soon, so we can go out and do things together. I'm eating right. I'm exercising. I even went out and pampered myself a little--bought new running shoes and new clothes--with my new salary.

But I still feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.

And the kicker is...H is being great. More than great! He's bought me stuff. He brought home flowers just last weekend. He's spending time with me, cuddling with me on the couch, and trying to think of things we can do together. Every time he hears me even start to sniffle, he comes over to see what's wrong. (Which in itself is a small miracle! He used to ignore me!) I got a little weird about something on his phone, and he spent ten minutes trying to reassure me. OMG, I couldn't ask for more!

It's like my crazymaker just got out of the looney bin or something. My mind hasn't been this stuck on our situation in months!

Is it because I'm no longer preoccupied with the psycho xrm? I don't feel directly threatened, so now I can crumble? Is it because H is being so incredibly nice and considerate? (And is that why, then, when us LBS are nice to the walk-aways, they eventually crumble??)

I'm so confused. And so hurt. (It may sound childish, but I liked being angry better...)

I feel like my fair-tale got crushed. Maybe it was cheesy, but I really thought I had found the guy who was supposed to be my version of "prince charming." (Nevermind I always thought "prince charming" was boring. ) I honestly thought we were different...that we were somehow special. That nothing like this would ever happen to us. And, looking back, I can't believe we wound up this way. The guy I thought my H was would never have behaved this way.

And then I notice how all our troubles started as soon as he found out his brothers had been shipped off to war. We were jerked around for four months--they're leaving, they're staying, they're leaving tomorrow...they can go home...ACK! And when his brothers finally did leave, it was incredibly abrupt. One day they were supposed to go home (they're n'tl guard), and H went on vacation to visit family in Mexico. Then BIL2 calls me and tells me that BIL1 has already left and he's headed out the next day. I remember I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I blurted it out on the phone to H the next time he called.

When he came back he wasn't the same. I remember I was soooo excited to see him. He was gone 10 days--the longest we had ever been apart--and I could't wait until he got off the plane. When he did, he just sort of brushed past me, and asked if he could drive. No big hug, like I had expected. No kiss. No ILY or I missed you. Just "Let's go home." It was honestly the first time I had ever felt rejected by him, and it hurt so bad. This was the guy who, when I had gotten back from vacation with my mom just a month earlier, litteraly attacked me once I walked in the door.

I swear, all our problems--our serious problems--started after they left. Not that I wasn't doing stuff wrong in the M. It just seemed like the little things had never mattered to either of us before. I remember thinking, right after bomb #1, that all I had to do was sit tight until hid brothers were supposed to come home.

And you know what? We reconciled within weeks of their coming home. I mean, WTF? Was it really that he couldn't handle the stress of their being gone? (He certainly didn't take it well!) And if that's the case...what does it mean about our M if something else bad happens??

Intellectually, I know it was a mistake for him. And I know he beats himself up about it, probably more than me. I just feel so hurt. I really believed it was going to be okay the first time we reconciled. But then I got knocked down again... And now, in the back of my mind, I'm always wondering if it's going to happen again. In a year? Two? Five? Ten? What if he goes through MLC? Am I really willing to go through all of this again for him??

There's a weird part of me that would just like to be alone. All alone, and peace and quiet. Not let anyone else in again so I won't get hurt. Childish, I know. Maybe I still have issues dealing from my childhood. I was the high school geek and all that...few friends, always picked last, always made fun of. Yeah, I'm over a lot of it...but a big part of LL is WOA. And all those nasty things said to me all those years...well, some of them got deeper than I like to admit. H was the first person outside of my family I really, truly let in. I trusted him. He was the one person, in my entire life, I finally felt comfortable enough with to be able to talk to him about how I felt. I always kept it bottled away from other people. (Something I've been working very hard at rectifying the last few months!) And then...he hurt me more than anyone else ever could have. It was like, on some level, I was finally proven right--can't let anyone in, because they'll just make fun of me or wind up not liking me, or leave me. I know that's not true...but it's how I always felt.

And then there's this weird part of me that doesn't believe in love anymore. I see my good friend and her BF, and a part of me wants to tell her that it will only break down at some point, that it will all fall apart. So why get married? Ugh, I know that's not true, either, but it just keeps popping up in my head.

And I managed to gain a little weight. When I was living apart from H, I doubled my time at the gym--added in a huge amount of cardio. Lost some weight, and felt really good about how I looked for the first time in my life. Since I moved, I somehow spend less time there. (A schedule change at work also contributed to that.) And I gained the weight back...plus a little more. The worst part is that I really am a small person. My clothing size is fairly small. But all my clothes suddenly don't fit, and I'm feeling fat. Stupid, I know, but I do. (Probably because my clothes don't fit!)

Phew...that's a lot of stuff I've had on my mind, some of it for a long time... Maybe getting it out in writing will help. I'm afraid a lot of this may be just mindless ranting on my part...but hopefully writing it down will help get it all out of my system.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]