So the doctor's appointment wasn't nearly as bad this time. I drug H out of bed to go with me. I was really anxious about this one after how bad the last appointment made me feel. I made sure to take the 4 Advil an hour ahead of time as advised. The procedure itself was a little uncomfortable, some cramping afterward, but nothing like before.

Although the machine broke down just before he finished. I had already had to wait a few weeks for the thing to get fixed before I went in yesterday... Ah, well. It should have gotten rid of the growth, but we'll see. I go back for a pap in three months, and then we'll go from there.

So...the last few weeks have been interesting.

Not too long after my last post (where I was feeling sooo calm and in control and happy!) I had a bit of a meltdown. I'm pretty sure it was triggered by the fact that is the one-year anniversary of bomb #1. It was the shorter of our two seps--three weeks, really--but was the worst. That's when the twisted EA thing with xow was going on...that's when the PA happened...

Anyway, I had a lot of anxiety. Tons of it, in fact. I had not handled that situation well, at all. This was months before I stumble on DB. I think I may have come close to a nervous breakdown at one point. I know I was in severe denial a lot of the time.

It wasn't so much what had happened that struck me...but how I felt at the time. Remember all those feelings... It wasn't nearly as intense as when I experienced it--at the time I felt like I was drowning--but still very haunting for me.

Then I sort of shut down for a few weeks. I think I was shell-shocked from the memories. I don't know. I just walled up, and shut H out. I could feel that I was doing it, but I just didn't know how to bring that wall down. I wanted to be able to let him in...but I just couldn't. I went through this intense period of feeling the ILYBNILY crap. And the worst part was...I wanted to feel in love with him!

So I went through, what I'm guessing, most WAS do, mentally. I knew I wasn't going to leave. But I felt trapped. Like I was staying out of obligation. I didn't want to leave because I felt like I had made a commitment...I didn't want to hurt H, and I certainly didn't want to go through that nonsense again myself. (I was afraid of us getting into some stupid, circular pattern, where we take turns running away from the problems!)

I felt like I was going through the motions. H was being very sweet and caring, but it didn't seem to have an impact on me. I felt like I was watching myself do things, without any real feeling behind them. I wondered why I would stick it out with a guy who had disrespected me. How I could have misjudged him so thoroughly. I never, ever thought my H could hurt me like that. And I thought I deserved an M where my H had been, and always would be, faithful to me.

I really wanted to share all of this with him, but I just couldn't. That damned wall was there, and I didn't know why. Just seemed to be getting thicker and nastier. I felt so numb. And all I could think about was how I wanted my H and our M back the way I remembered it could be. But my mind just seemed stuck in this stupid loop of all of the hurt he had caused me...

Then I began to notice a few things about myself. Actions speak louder than words, right? Well, I noticed that I still missed him when he was away. That I still reached out to hold his hand, or touch his shoulder. This whole time I was feeling locked inside myself, I was still acting like I was in love with him. Was I doing it out of habit? I didn't think so...that didn't make sense to me.

Not too long after that, I realized that stupid wall was up because I was afraid of feeling the hurt. I was afraid of the pain. My feeling numb was just protection from the all of that pent up fear and pain. I wonder if that's what the WAS are feeling? Numb because they're hurt--deep, deep, down, and can't deal with it. I was subconsciously keeping my H away because I was terrified of him leaving again. I just didn't want to hurt anymore.

I could feel myself soften after I figured that out. I was able to let H in a little closer again. Poor guy new there was something weird with me, he just didn't say anything. (I wish he would have!)

Then I decided I was being too hard on myself. The more I focussed on feeling distant from my H, the worse it got. So I decided to ignore it. When I started to relax some, things got easier. I started feeling better about the relationship.

And then I started crying.

For days.

It was uncontrollable, side-aching, deep-down-pain, crying. I lost it at all kinds of weird times. Sometimes I couldn't even figure out what had started it. H blamed PMS, but it wasn't timed right. Those buried feelings had finally gotten out, and there was no stopping it!

I stopped crying just a couple of days, and man, do I feel better. It kind of dawned on me that I wasn't angry anymore. At all. I hadn't b!tched about xrm, really, in weeks. Although I had stopped blaming H a long time ago, I would still feel irritated or angry at him--just tried to keep it in check so that I wouldn't hurt him. That was gone, too. So, duh, I must have moved on from the anger phase to mourning. Thus all the crying.

I'm strangely not that obsessed with xrm anymore. Oh, she's still crazy, and she calls pretty much every 5 days or so. (H hasn't talked to her in weeks...) She still hasn't done anything that makes us feel it's necessary to go the police. We talked about it, and had a couple of ideas on how to get her stop calling. H's was to start calling her and harassing her over the money she owes him. I said maybe he should pull what Chandler did with his nutty roommate in Friends--start acting crazy back!! Whatever. But, other than that, we ignore her, and just go on with life.

I realized, ultimately, I'm still with H because I love him. He's human. We both are. Neither of us have been in many relationships. Although my parents are still married and (appear) to be doing well, his father was a deadbeat loser and his mother has been divorced for years. I guess we're both still figuring out how to be in a longterm relationsip. And...we really do work well together. Our personalities compliment each other. We sort of balance out. And, on top of that, we have fun together. I couldn't imagine anyone else. (He actually commented last night, while we were watching Friends--his favorite show, believe it or not--that we were like Monica and Chandler..."perfect for each other." )

So I'm now feeling much better. I gave serious thought to leaving him for a few weeks. I guess I needed to allow myself to explore that option in order to understand why I was staying. I never made a move to do it. I didn't tell him...because, well, I knew I wasn't really going to. If that makes any sense at all!

I think my distance has made him sensitive for awhile. I was the one who had the nasty appointment at the doctor's yesterday, but he's needed attention for several days now. I think that's how he asks for reassurance. He broke down, too, a few nights back...how he felt horrible for all the things that had happened and couldn't believe he had done it. And he's needed extra attention ever since.

I've also found I don't jump to conclusions about his motives nearly as much now. Which has made me a much happier person. I used to always assume that he didn't like something I did or was mad at me...my insecurities definately skewed my perceptions. Now I just ask him--without being accusatory --and it's not such a big deal.

I'm also amazed at how he changed while we were apart, too. For the better! I still see it, even now, all the little things that he's made an effort to change for me.

I'm just now really, truly beginning to believe he's not going to take off on me again. And that is such a huge relief. Not that he was doing anything to make me think that...in fact, he's been wonderful...but I guess after he came back once only to take off on me a second time...well, that can make a person a little gunshy.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]