I'm not sure if I read it here on the board, or if it was in DB or DR, but there was a particular success story that always seemed to float around in my head. This woman had been married for a number of years--25? 30?--and her husband had pretty much cheated on her the entire time. Multiple affairs. In the end, DB did work for her, and she got her husband to end their seperation and remain faithful. But what really stuck in my head was her comment...something to the effect that she had gotten both the man she always wanted and the woman she always wanted--her new self.

It didn't make much sense at the time, but now it does.

An older married woman that both H and I know gave me a piece of advice once. She had always wanted us to date, and I think was just about as excited as us that we were going to get married. She told me to make sure and just enjoy being married for a few years before we have kids--to wait at least five years or so. That way, we would have a good foundation first. At the time it didn't make much sense to me. Now, I'm glad we didn't start off having kids right away. I'm hoping we'll have a lot of our major issues worked out before we have any babies.

I understand my H now in a way I never did before. I noticed a couple of times yesterday--we sort of started to argue on a couple of occasions--that a lot of times when we butt heads, it's more because we're misundestanding each other than anything else. On one occasion, he was trying to apologize, and I thought he was still trying to grind in his point.

We recover faster now from these little squabbles. I read that the real measure of the solidity of a relationship is not how often a couple fights, but how well they recover. If that's the case, then we're doing much better than we have in a long time.

There are still things that hurt us both. There was an incident, from our first sep, when my H showed up at a former job I had. I didn't know about DB. I refused to go out and talk to him. My supervisor interpreted H's actions as being...well...border-line stalker. (He had been calling my cell every 20 minutes all day long, and I refused to answer.) I know why my supervisor thought that. H was acting strangely. Security escorted him out of the building. I don't know what happened--I didn't see it--but he told me they treated him very disrepectfully. That they looked down on him, and he was convinced his race played a factor. (He's Mexican Indian, I'm white...we've run into the racial stereotypes in the past. )

There's a part of me that completely understands why my coworkers reacted the way they did. H was acting very, very strangely. He was even worrying me a little. (Although that was the only time I ever had reason to think this about him.) And, to be honest, I've seen H become suscious when other people were behaving the way he was. I think my supervisor's actions were entirely justified. But I would never tell H that. And, in the end, I trusted him...or I wouldn't have gone to talk to him the next day.

I know how badly the whole thing hurts him. And when he brings it up, I just listen. I can't understand his side of it, but I know I can listen.

And I'm still hurt by the whole female roommate mess. Maybe it was an A, and he's still hiding it from me. I really don't believe that, but there are days that I doubt him. In the end, it doesn't matter. Whatever happened, I'm still hurt. So, in the end, the details don't matter. He's told me enough that the rational side of me is convinced there's no reason to believe anything beyond an initial--and short term--EA. And I even doubt that much at times. It's just the nagging, jealous, insecure side that wonders. Again, it doesn't matter. He's answered every question I have ever asked him. It's not going to make my feelings any better...only time will. And it does get better.

I also had a somewhat comforting thought. The whole mess with xow had all of the indications of a full-blown affair. In fact, looking back, I'm surprised H "woke up" as quickly as he did. At the time, I ripped him for not seeing through her sooner. Knowing what I do now, I think he caught on amazingly quick. Yes, unfortunately, it did reach the point of a PA. But it could have easily grown into a full-blown, months-long affair. It didn't. And I have to give H a lot of credit for that.

There are still up and down days. More up than down, and the down aren't nearly as bad now. I actually understand the ILBNILY line now....I've actually had my moments. It's a part of the healing cycle, I've noticed. I get angry, then I get depressed, then I get that numb ILBNILY feeling. It's been part of the healing process. But I realize that that feeling, along with the others, will pass. I realize you need to do loving activities to feel loving towards your spouse. So of course I don't feel all lovey dovey when we're, say, doing chores or paying bills.

Realizing my feelings are transient helps me realize that H's are, as well. He was grumpy yesterday, very snappy. I could have griped back at him. I realized this is a habit I picked up because it worked with my dad. But it doesn't with H. Instead, later last night, I asked him if something was bothering him, because he seemed kind of distant and grumpy. He paused, looked thoughtful, and said he didn't know, but he did feel kind of grumpy. After that he was very attentive and sweet the rest of the evening.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm rediscovering some lost, best friend again. It's a wonderful feeling. We were grocery shopping last night, having fun picking stuff out of the organic aisle. (My new favorite kind of food!) It seems like I had forgotten for awhile how much we had in common...it's a nice feelng to be able to rediscover that about us again.

And he's very loving. Maybe not in the way I always expected. The things that seem natural and automatic to me aren't to him. But it's in all of the little things. Getting me a glass of water when I'm tired. Putting me to bed when I fall asleep on the couch next to him. While I would love it if he'd volunteer to walk the dog more often, he instead got up in the middle of his night to lay on the couch and distract his cat, who was driving me crazy wanting in and out of the bedroom, mewing and clawing at the door. So I could sleep peacefully for another hour before work.

Interestingly, after all of this, I am a much more centered, settled, and peaceful peson. Not what I would have expected to come out of my husband leaving me twice! It takes an intense fire to forge a master sword.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]