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What a relief! I am glad to hear that BC changes are not always easy for everyone.



It's like the big secret of BC. Hell, it's like the big secret of being a woman. Nobody ever talks about this stuff. I usually suffer through sore breasts and (mild) morning sickness the first three or four months of BC. I was hoping this last time since it was just a switch, no gaps, that I wouldn't have that. Wrong! Oh...and did you know...according to Yahoo! health...it's a myth that your breasts can grow with BC.

I'm feeling better today. Still uncomfortable, but better. H was very, very sweet last night--very attentive. He wasn't sure what to do, but was very happy to take care of me when I told him what I needed.

A couple of interesting things I noticed...

Last night, H kept verifying with me that he was doing what made me feel better. Like, when we were comparing families (a whole different story!) I commented that his is very selfish. (Don't get me wrong, I love them, and he knows that. They can just be self-centered...I think it's a survival mechanism.) He agreed, even agreed that he was. Then he got this puppy-dog look and said he wasn't selfish to me...was he? Okay, so he can be. But he tries sooo hard...I just think that being conscientious is actually a learned trait. So I reassured him that he was, and that he was taking very good care of me.

He also told me last night, while we were out, that he is not a very good person, that he's done lots of bad things in the past. (He was promiscuous, and didn't think twice about involving himself with married women.) I told him I didn't care, because that's the past, and we all make mistakes--it just makes him human. I told him how I got what I always wanted...to be married to him. He always really brightens up when I say that kind of stuff. Must be really reassuring for him.

The other day, while we were watching Friends, he commented that the episode we were watching taught him something. It was where Ross goes out with Rachel's younger sister, but turns down her advances because he didn't want to rule out the possibility of his getting back together with Rachel in the future. H said he watched that episode right around the time we seperated, and that he knew then he couldn't sleep with anyone else if he wanted me back.

And, last night, while we were watching Friends, H even commented that it wasn't right for Richard to interfere with Monica and Chandler's relationship. That he didn't think it was right for Richard to go find Monica so that he could tell her he still loved her--H didn't like that Richard was, on some level, trying to interfere.

I never realized how much H picked up from TV about morality and relationships. (Although he seems to be learning some decent lessons!) The idea that you learn from your parents what an R/M should look like is definately true. In H's case...well...his mom left his (abusive) father and was constantly working just to feed her kids. H didn't even have a model. In my case... Well, I did, and my parents have an unusually nice M, but the things I learned from them (sunbconsciously) just don't work with H. He didn't fit into that framework. Kind of like we're both starting from the ground up. Well, there is honestly no one else I would rather do it with.

I'm also beginning to suspect that the seperations and PA happened because H was convinced he would screw up eventually. He used to tell me, even before we got married, that he would mess up. And I would just tell him that I would forgive him. Sounds kind of prophetic now. But I do wonder, sometimes, how much of this was H's self-fulfilling prophecy. Although, I think he (and I) learned a lot, maybe stuff that needed to be learned.

I also had this question rattling around in my head about the PA. Wow...that was almost a year ago... It had been there for a couple of days, but I didn't want to bring it up. I finally, while I curled up on H on the bed, allowed H to see that something was bothering me. He asked what was wrong. (I have learned this approachs is much better than my just bringing things up!) I told him I didn't want to upset him. He said he wanted to know about whatever was bothering me. So I finally told him I wanted to know what he was feeling after he had slept with xow.

He said he just felt rotten. All over, all the time. I told H he reminded me of a person who wasn't even aware of his surroundings. He said he didn't know what was going on until it was too late--and that then he did everything he could to fix it. I said he seemed like someone who was just watching his actions from the outside, like he wasn't actually participating. He just had this haunted look on his face when I brought it up. I dropped it after that, and we had some fun playing with my dog.

And it's funny how his sex drive has increased. He even wanted to when I got home yesterday, but I still can't yet. Ugh...doesn't even sound fun right now. But I'm glad he's so much more interested. It's very healthy for him. I used to have to drag him into bed. I think he's learned how to let some of his personal problems go--at least, with me. He's allowed himself to get more comfortable with me. I offered to take care of him in other ways, but he said he really wanted one thing. I told him it was because I can't right now, and he agreed--we both thought it was funny.

He did go out for a little while last night. I didn't feel at all anxious, which was nice. Not sure when he came home, but he came in and was kind of rattled. I was mostly asleep. He said the cashier at Wal-Mart that's always hitting on him point-blank asked him out. (He says she is short, fat, and unnatractive. I've never seen her, since she works nights.) She's drooled over him on more than one occasion...he'd come home with stories of how she'd (not too subtly) hint at her interest. Anyway, I guess she asked him to lunch the next day.

This always irritates me, because I hate it when someone who is married gets hit on. And now H wears his ring all the time, so it's pretty obvious. I asked what she said whe he told her he was married. He said he told her that his wife wouldn't like that. I think she just asked him out another day, but I can't remember exactly what she said. But he said maybe I should go in with him sometime or that he just wasn't going to go in there anymore.

He was pretty unnerved, makes me wonder if something else happened while he was at the bar. I don't know. I'm going to ask him later how he's feeling. (And make sure to thank him for taking care of me.)

Lots of random thoughts in this one...

I am feeling better today. Certainly not normal, but better.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]