I'm flattered.

Must be something in the air. I had a really bad night as well...sure surprised me. I think it was because xrm called. (I'll tell you more about that in a minute!)

With me, I've found I have two different types of backslides. The first kind is temporary, low-scale. That one a good dose of Act As If and a bit of distraction helps me with. It's usually like the stray thoughts, or a just random feelings. And that's pretty easy to squash.

Then there's the more major "meltdown"--which is what it sounds like you had. (Like I did last night.) This kind is usually uncontrollable, and triggered by something on TV or finding something physical. I almost think this is a release of emotions I've kept pent up, and necessary in the healing process. There are several things that I find help me.

First off, I tell myself it's okay to be upset. That I went through a traumatic experience, and my feelings are completely understandable. (Sometimes it's hard to think that, when all I want is to feel better!) Usually, I have to allow myself to actually feel these feelings. And they run the range...anger, disgust, hurt, depression...

I also, once I start to calm down, remember what I felt like on a good day. I try to remember that sense of calm and focus. The more I do that, the more I can actually feel that way.

Then I make sure to do something so that I feel better! Something for me. And I make sure to apologize to H for badly handling my feelings. (Although I have not apologized for having the feelings in months.) I make sure to thank him for whatever he did that helped me feel better. (Even if it was minor, and I needed more...it encourages this behavior in the future.)

The good news is...once you get out the feelings...you're going to have some really good days! I think the idea is to get to a point where you have these times less and further apart. That's my goal.

I think it's also important to remember you're human. You're going to have bad days. It's not healthy to bury the feelings--but that doesn't mean you have to let the control you, either. Try to find a constructive outlet to process the feelings. You won't truly be able to get rid of them until you've run the entire gamut.

Of course, I'm not suggesting throwing things at your H. But running is a very cathartic way of dealing with things. (Did wonders for me after the last doctor's visit.) Have you ever tried martial arts? Sparring is a great way to relieve tension.

And try not to be too hard on yourself! I've found when I stopped trying so hard to feel okay...I just sort of suddenly did. Once I gave myself permission to feel things (although not necessarily act irrationally) I magically felt better.

As far as snooping...well...I've told my H about all of the snooping I've done. I kind of felt like if he had to be completely honest, I should too. No, he didn't take it well. And I don't think I could have told him much sooner than I did. But I am glad I did. I think it's best for both of us to be honest. (And I think he felt better, knowing I wasn't "perfect" either.)

I've also noticed I am much more likely to get upset if I haven't had enough sleep or not been eating well lately.

Hope this helps...

Sooo...last night xrm calls. From a number he didn't recognize. So he answered it. He was really weird sounding... It got me kind of funny, but I didn't say anything. When H came back over to the couch, he told me she called. Had wanted to know when he was leaving for the army. I think he was really unnerved, as well.

It put me in a weird mood. I had just bragged she hadn't called in two weeks. Ah, well. We went to the gym. (Which was fun.) Went out to do some errands. After we got home, H mentioned that xrm had at one point told him that I had gotten my tattoo just to get him back. The irony is...she tried to "get him back" by telling him she was going to get a tattoo...LOL...he saw right through it...

(Okay, I did get it for me. But I also knew how much he would like it. And my leaving it as a surprise for him was a bit of mystery on my part...instead of telling him way ahead of time about my plans, like I usually do.)

I flipped. Totally and completely. Started yelling. I wanted to retreat to the bedroom--I could tell that I was out of control, and that I was going to say something I didn't mean. He pleaded with me to stay. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying some of the really harsh stuff I wanted to say.

He got really upset, asked if I wanted him to leave. (Have I mentioned he can't handle arguments? It seems to panic him.) So I forced myself to sit down, and put my arms around him. Not what I want to do when I'm mad.

Then I crumbled. Started crying uncontrollably. I just climbed on him then, and made him hold me. Then I just started blabbering all kinds of stuff. How I felt like I was being used while he was living with her...how I just felt dumb, like they really were having a relationship...how I hated that he let her disrespect me so completely...that I couldn't believe that he let people (both xrm and xow) talk him away from...how horrible it was that he just packed all my things and had them waiting at the door for me... I just went on and on. Lots of stuff that I didn't even really think or feel anymore, but that I had felt right after the seperation. It just sort of all fell out of me. Guess I needed to say it.

I even confessed some of the details of one of my snooping incidents. How, when we were still living together pre-bomb, I had checked his vmail. I heard a message from xrm, and it just so thoroughly infuriated me bcause she had this tone in her voice like she was talking to her bf. There was just this intimacy in the way she was talking to him that made me crazy, and that was why I had reacted so badly to a lot of things earlier. (Before I learned some self control.) And that was why I had hated her so much.

It really exhausted me. I guess I must have needed to get it out, because I'm feeling better today. Although I want to do something nice for H now.

Afterwards, he said he had thought we were doing okay. (A couple of days ago, he had told MF that we were doing great. ) I said we were...I just sometimes still get upset. Ah, well.

I think I'm going to have to introduce H to the idea of scripting responses. Make sure he has some preconceived idea of how to handle talking to her if he happens to answer to her again. Like "So you've got the money you owe me?" or "My wife and I were planning the nursery today...we thought about painting it purple, but the wall paper trim with the zoo animals was too cute..." or "Stop calling!!" (Okay, so I'm partial to the last one!! LOL )

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]