I was a little angry last night. I still slip every once in awhile. It really grates on my nerves that he thought it was acceptable to have a female roommate while he was still married, even if we were seperated. Especially if he, in any way, wanted to work through things with me.

Well, H wasn't home when I got there. Funny, I really missed him...and I was the one complaining the other day that I felt smothered. Just goes to that is has nothing to do with how much time I'm spending with him, and more to do with my feeling cooped up in general.

BIL2 called to see how the doctor visit went the day before, said that he was worried. I told him. He was kind of baffled by it, said he wanted to read up (he's pre-med, and serves in the N'tl Guard as a medic). I told him everything was okay, though, and not to worry too much about it.

I hadn't seen much since H went to work the night before. Hadn't even talked to him earlier in the day. So when he got home, I gave him a huge hug and kiss. He felt soooo good--I think he had really missed me, too.

I had talked to my mom earlier in the day. Mentioned the whole doctor stuff. Talked about H some. She made some derogatory remarks...like when I mentioned how he helped clean, she said "Oh, is this a new guy?" And then she asked if he was seeing a C--but the way she said it implied that he was on the crazy side. I decided not to mention any of it to H...he's pretty sensitive, and what good would it really do? None.

I fixed him dinner--haven't done that in a long time. Usually we eat at totally different times and completely different things, anyway. He liked the attention.

I had meant to go the gym, but we wound up ML. It was later in the evening, and it just put me to sleep. I didn't notice H went out until I heard him come back in. (He had told me that he was planning on going out for awhile.) I think it did him good just to get out of the house for some time.

When H came in, I had been having a bad dream. I've been having these, lately, where they feel very, very real. And it takes me some time to get rid of the feelings because the events seem real. In this one, H and I and his family were at a restaurant. Only H was ignoring me...and talking with some other woman. Paying all kinds of attention to her, and listening to her. Ignoring me. (Hm. Wonder where this dream came from??? )

Anyway, I told H in my dream he was acting funny. He layed down next to me, put his arms around me, and asked if he was acting funny now. I said no. He asked if I still got scared that he was going to leave. I said yes, but it wasn't nearly as bad anymore. The talking woke me up some, which helped, then moved to lay down with him on the couch.

H put me back in bed around 6am. I could have just gotten up for work, but I wanted to sleep with him for a little bit. He wanted me to hold him, said that he was sorry. I asked what for. He said for breaking my heart. I told him I loved him. He said he knew he loved me, he just didn't realize that he couldn't live without me. I sometimes wonder if he was trying to prove something to himself?? To see if he could live without me? Or maybe it was some weird test? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

He said he didn't know how he could ever make it up to me. That he thought about it every day. (I didn't know that before he told me.) I told him he was doing just fine...that all he needed to do was keep doing what he's doing. I asked him if he felt better than he did 3 or 4 months ago. H said he did. I said that I did, too. I told him that we would both feel even better in another 3 months. That all it takes is time.

H asked again this morning if I could stay home from work. I told him I couldn't...I don't have any time off yet. I gave him a big hug and kiss, though.

Feeling pretty good today, though. I'm getting back to that calm, centered place I had at the end of the sep. It's a nice feeling. I'm feeling very warm, very loving. Accepting. Looking forward to having kids and moving and getting a house. All of those nice things. It's a good feelng.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]