moving forward II -- it's a bright, sun-shiny day!

[Nevanna]

UD...

Well, H and I made up. I think we both just needed some time to settle into our feelings and make a readjustment.

I was pretty upset on the drive home, and was almost there, when I noticed I had missed a call on the cell. I called him back. He has this amazing ability....he has always called me just when I needed him the most. Sixth sense? Intuitive understanding of how I feel? I don't know. But this has happened several, several times after we reconciled.

So I called him back. He asked where I was, if I was coming home. He sounded upset. I told him I was close. He asked if I was mad at him. I told him no, and that I would be home soon. Actually, just that made me feel much better.

When I got in, he had the most concerned look on his face. Came over and gave me a big hug. We layed down on the couch to talk for awhile. He asked if I was mad at him...I told him no. (I'm not really mad at him...) He asked if I blamed him. I asked him if he blamed himself. He admitted that he did "a little bit." I told him I was mostly just concerned with the procedure. (Long story...I hate having these sorts of things done to me...) I do blame him...just a little...but telling him that would do no good whatsoever.

He did keep asking me if I was mad. I told him of course not. I asked him if it looked like I was mad (we were all snuggled up on the couch together). He said he was afraid that I was going to leave him. (I think this is what was really behind the weird behavior earlier.) I told him no. I pointed out that if I wanted to leave him, I wouldn't have asked the doctor how long I needed to wait before getting pregnant.

That perked him up a bit. He said he felt weird about having an STD...said he'd never had one before...but he said it didn't matter, because he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Told me that I was being with me was like heaven--which is funny, since he claims to be an atheist. (I don't believe him. )

So we are just fine now. H is playing video games--he has to go to work tonight.

I'm sorry your H has put you in the unenviable position of comforting him when you are experiencing feelings of anxiety and worry without adding him to the mix.

It's...unfortunately typical of H. The good thing is, if I hang in there initially, H more than reciprocates later. He has been incredibly sensitive and attentive since we got the initial phone call. So I guess it's just a give-and-take thing. If I can clamp my mouth shut and take care of him first, he will take care of me later. I kind of knew that earlier, but I was all out of whack. I did really wanted to start a fight with him earlier...but I think I knew deep down he would come around.

Blame is a useless thing and also a cheeseless tunnel, and I'm happy that you don't seem to be buying into this one.

What's done is done. I used to be very good at the blame game... I learned this lesson the hard way! Sometimes it still wants to bite me, though.

If I might offer anything on this subject, you are both entitled to your feelings.

I agree. Learned this one awhile back.

As much as this galls me to say, why not validate his feelings and use them as a stepping stone to discussing your own? Sharing this stuff is certainly an intimacy builder, and it might be something that helps move the 2 of you back toward each other.

This was sort of in the back of my head the last few hours, anyway. I just needed to calm down some more.

Although I have to say...I didn't let things get out of hand between us like I might have before. I did sort of recognize the pattern with H--when he's really hurt and confused, he retreats back into his selfish shell. He might have been cuing off of me--he did say he thought I was mad at him and that I blamed him. He did the mean, self-protective thing for a couple of weeks early on our sitch. Similar behavior earlier, but not on the same scale. The thing I learned about H is, again, if I can comfort and validate him initially, he more than makes up for that in support later. It's just so hard to reign those initialy, overwhelming feelings in!

Thanks for sharing--I feel much better knowing I'm not the only one. H can be very supportive--he pointed out that we are in this together--but sometimes he just isn't going to get things simply because he's a guy. (Of course, he could say the same thing about me...and it would be true... )