Okay, so I had the doctor's visit. It was interesting. H picked me up from work. He was really, really uptight. Very jittery. He actually described it as waiting for the executioner. I am glad that he went with me, though.

The doctor gave me a lot of info, which I'm going to try to distill down to the important stuff. Bottom line: my pap said that I have "unclassifed" cells. Meaning that I don't have cancer. But...they did run a test on the sample, and I do have HPV in my system. HPV being the virus that can cause cervical cancer. (But doesn't mean it will.)

The doctor also emphasized that it wasn't necessarily sexually transmitted--that it didn't mean I had gotten it from H. That it's the same virus as the one that gives you warts on your hands. (Which I have had in the past.) So it doesn't mean it came from him.

Anyway, I need to go back for another procedure (colposcopy??) so that the doctor can actually take a look at my cervix to look for any indications of cancer. I guess the percentages are still really low... If there is anything there, then I will need a biopsy.

Here's the kicker. I have no medical insurance whatsoever at this point. I have to pay for all of this out of pocket. Bonus...my salary kicks in a week from Thursday. More money, so I should be able to pay for it.

I'm not that bothered that I have to go through all of this. I even double-checked to see if H was at risk--which he's not. And I asked about my ability to get pregnant in the future...which is also not a problem.

I'm a little bothered by H's behavior afterward. He said he felt dirty, like he had an STD. He seemed to think that it was a different virus that caused warts on the hand versus warts on the genitals. The doctor had said it was the same thing. I told him we didn't know where it came from, and it didn't matter--chances were he has it at this point, regardless of where it came from.

As he was driving me back to work, he started asking all kinds of weird questions. (I think he was a little lost with everything the doctor was saying.) He asked what it meant if he and I were to break up--would it affect any future partners he might have. (WTF?? He was just telling me how he coulnd't live without me!!) I told him I didn't know, exactly, but that it could be transmitted to someone else... He said he was just trying to figure it out from all angles. (Which I can see...his brain does work that way...)

I said something I shouldn't have, though. I only recently found out the real number of partners he has had. He had always told me before it was a much, much smaller number. I'm not bothered by the promiscuity so much as the deception. Yes, it's not me, it's not how I think he should have behaved--but that doesn't make him a bad person or a bad H. I told him that if I had known that before we had started having sex, I would have asked him to have an STD test. I know he always used a condom--he's actually pathological about it--but I still would have asked him to.

H actually had the nerver to ask me if we still got buy shoes when I get paid. I told him I wouldn't be able to afford it right now, since I have to pay to have this stuff done. Why was he thinking of that when I'm worried about something I'm going to have to pay out of pocket for??

I feel more betrayed by the fact that his misleading me may have endangered me more than the fact that he (however small a chance) may have given me something. I can deal with the fact that he may have given me something. (Although I realize that that is jumping to conclusions...I could have just as easily gotten in when I had warts on my hand a few years back...) What I'm bothered by is the fact that he felt he had to mislead me, especially about that.

When he dropped me off, he asked me if I blamed him. I said I didn't. (I can't say that's 100% true...I honestly don't know...) He said that I must hate him now. I took a minute to give him a big hug and a kiss, tell him I would see him in a couple of hours.

I'm feeling really weird and insecure. Weird about having the procedure done. Weird about H's having lied about his sexual history. And I feel like, right now, I can't go to him without him taking it all wrong and running. Right now I just need a big hug and some understanding from him...and I feel like I'm being forced back into the role of comforting him.

I feel like I never get the chance to be the one who is upset, without him thinking I am "angry" or trying to "punish" him. I feel like I don't just get to cry on him and be vulnerable. I realize right now that I'm generalizing because I'm upset...and that's probably not true...I'm just sick of feeling like I have to censor my emotions around him...

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]