While H was sleeping, he had a really bad dream. I went in when he called me, and laid down on the bed to hold him. He told me, in the dream, that I had made friends with this married guy with lots of money. That the married guy bought me all kinds of stuff, but all he really wanted was to get me into bed. But, that I didn't see that. In the dream, I was hanging out with the guy over at his house, and had invited H to come over as well. But he had decided he was going over there to get me to come home. He was frustrated because the guy obviously wanted to have sex with me, but I just didn't see it. I listened, and validated, and talked to him until he realized it was just a dream and he felt better. I really wanted to tell him that that was how I had felt about xrm (although she didn't exactly have any money), but I just resisted the urge and reassured him.
When H woke up, I told him about this guy who I thought was hitting on me at the pool, but I wasn't too sure. He invited me to a house party. H said I should go. I said I would like to, it's not that I don't want to get out and meet new people, but I don't want to go a party that a guy invited me to. I'm not sure what he was thinking, and I'm so gun-shy about the whole A business that I don't want to set myself/us up for any more problems. (Especially since this last time, H's friend turned out to be delusional...and, well, crazy...)
I told H my reasons--how I had done all of this reading on how A's start. And after everything we've both been through, I don't want to put myself in the position--because the line between friendship and EA is sooo hard to see.
He asked me what the stages were, so I gave him a quick rundown. How it usually starts out as a friend of the opposite gender. Then you hang out more and talk. Then you start sharing personal details about things. After that it's "this person understands me like no one else did." (He cringed--I mentioned xow, because that's what he always said about her. I told him it was okay, we both know better now.) Then you start to feel an attraction, but know you don't want to do anything. (I pointed out H said this about xrm, which was why I was so uptight about her.) Then the two people admit their "feelings" to each other, but decide not to do anything because it would hurt other people. Then they have this "secret love"...which turns into they feel like they have found their "soulmate." And then you have your affair.
He was pretty interested, asked what else I had learned. I told him some sites I had run across mentioned activities you should avoid to help prevent affairs. He asked what those were. I said personal conversations, and also anything that was like a "date" activity--such as going out to eat together.
H got kind of paranoid, since he had breakfast with a female coworker earlier in the day, and they had wound up talking about some personal stuff. He said he was afraid he might give her the wrong impression. H also said he was going to offer to give her a ride whenever she needed it (she doesn't have a car), but that now he thought that wasn't a good idea. He said he didn't want to get into a situation like he had with xrm.
I was pretty surprised at how receptive he was. Not only did he listen, but he considered a different angle on his actions. Which wasn't what I was trying to do! I was trying to explain to H why I was being sooo careful in regards to MF's and myself. I basically don't want H to think that I'm having an EA or to feel left out like I have. Maybe I'm being overly careful, but I'm just so sensitive to the whole idea right now. The only guy I feel okay to hang out with is BIL2.
Later, while we were getting ready to go out, I apologized for my MF a few months back. (Just before he started hanging around xow.) I told him I realized now that MF had bothered him, and if he had told me, I wouldn't have spent so much time with him. He said it wasn't that I spent time with him...it was something else...but that he felt there was no reason to get upset, so he hadn't told me. I told H that I was just trying to learn how to make friends. (I was always an incredibley shy person--probably bordered on a social phobia.) And that I had never asked anybody to hang out with me before--I had always just gone when invited. That with MF, all I was trying to do was learn to be more outgoing. He said he knew that, and didn't blame me. But I feel better for apologizing. I know with me, I wish he would just tell me that some of his activies with xrm were inappropriate--it would mean a lot to me. So I was trying to give him the same thing.
Then, not sure how it came up, I mentioned how I had taken his glasses from the bathroom and put them on the bedstand this morning for him so he would be able to find them easily. I asked him if he noticed when I did those things, or if he did and just didn't mention it.
He asked if he seem unappreciative, and I just said I wasn't sure if he just wasn't saying anything or he didn't notice I did those little things. He said he did notice. I told him that it was just nice to hear it--that WOA work nicely for me.
Then we got into a discussion of 5LL. Mine being touch, then WOA. H's are touch and acts of service. (WOA actually work really well on him.) How neither of us needed gifts that much. This carried over to analyzing how the 5LL's worked with other people.
H totally got it--and thought it was interesting. How different people express love differently. We had fun examing different people that we knew. It was like someone had turned on a lightbulbe for him.
He got kind of stuck on xrm, though. Decided that she was just selfish and self-absorbed...that she wanted gifts and WOA and acts of service and QT. But never gave anything--except, maybe QT--in return. That she was high-maintenance and annoying, and he would never want to deal with someone like that.
It's nice to know that H is so receptive to this kind of information. He actually finds the 5LL fascinating--probably because he's pretty interested in people, in general. I'm going to the 5LL book after I get paid, that should be an interesting read for both of us.
He actually finds the 5LL fascinating--probably because he's pretty interested in people, in general. I'm going to the 5LL book after I get paid, that should be an interesting read for both of us. 
