This is for Lady. She was born sometime in the winter of 1988, and she passed away yesterday of old age. She survived being hit by a car (piece of farming equipment?) and getting attacked by another dog. She was great dog--very protective, very energetic, and very affectionate.

Sooo...lots of interesting things happened yesterday.

I now work full-time, so I couldn't wait to get home and see my H. He seemed a little startled by my enthusiasm. (I've been kind of down lately.) I gave him a big hug and lots of kisses.

I told him that I appreciated his letting me be upset for awhile, that I just needed some time to get myself straightened out. And I told him much I loved him and what a great guy he is. He informed me that psycho had called, and he was meeting her for dinner. It didn't bother me much--I knew that was going to happen soon, and I just wanted it out of the way.

He was a little distracted, a little withdrawn. I'm guessing because he was going to meet xrm. He was clearly not looking forward to it, so I left him alone. After he showered, he said he was going to run by "his mom's house" (he stopped calling it his house some time ago...which is funny, since that's technically where he's supposed to be living) to get some other stuff that belonged to xrm, and then be back to change clothes.

H didn't get back for over an hour, and when he did, he was in a worse mood. Said he had a fight with his family, and that he was just going to put everything else at the house in storage. That they were griping at him because he hadn't given them any money even though his things were there, so he was just going to move all of his stuff out.

Which means he will be officially living with me.

H has been there for the last two months, anyway. I was a little weird that he hadn't checked with me first (not that I would have cared...maybe it was something about the assumption on his part). But he has had problems living with me fulltime. He has this real phobia of being trapped--and somehow, the thought that he has somewhere else he can go to other than my place has made a world of difference.

I could tell there was a tension in him about the idea that he really would have to be at my place all of the time now.

So he changed clothes, grabbed the couple of things at my place we thought belonged to her, and took off. (He looked really good when he left...I really wanted to jump him. )

After he left, I started to head to the gym--until I realizead that my gym card was in the car he took. Ah, well. So I ran a few errands to kill some time. I wanted to call him and mention it, but I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. After I got back from the errands, I decided that I wasn't going to do or not do something just because of xrm. I figured if he couldn't take the call, he would just hit the reject button.

So I called him. He was very reserved when he answered the phone--I could hear he was still at the restaurant. I mentioned the card, but told him not to worry about it. He just said uh-uh, and we hung up. I could tell that he was tense.

After I got off the phone with him, I called my dad. My computer completely crashed the other day, and I haven't been able to get it to do anything (reformatted the drive multiple times, deleted the partition, ran fdisk...you name it). I thought the HD went bad, so I called to see if he had a spare. I told him what it was doing, and he said he had the same problem with my brother's gf's comp. Same exact symptoms. He thought it was the HD at the time, too, but found out later that the fan had gone bad, and it was overheating. Yuck. Which would mean I would need a whole new motherboard...what a pain in the butt.

While I was talking with him, H called me. I figured he just wanted to chat since he was out of dinner. Then my dad said my mom wanted to talk to me, and he put her on the phone. She then told me that the dog had "passed away." H was still calling me, but I wanted to hear what happened with the dog first. My mom told me that she had to be put down to sleep earlier in the day.

Since H was still calling me, I told my mom I needed to get off the phone. When I called H, he said he had been getting worried because I hadn't answered. I apologized, told him that I was talking to my parents and that Lady had died. He said he was sorry, and asked if I was okay. I said I would be fine. He told me that he thought things were done with xrm.

So when he got home, he told me that it hadn't been her bathrobe after all. (She thought it was mine...) Anyway, neither one of us have any idea where the black bathrobe came from, so it got thrown away. H said she didn't seem so enthusiastic about seeing him, and he thought maybe she was getting obsessed over some new guy. *(Yay!) He also said she was really surprised to hear that I was pregnant. (H decided to lie and tell her I was pregnant to get her to go away. Okay, so it's more of an exaggeration...we are planning on having kids soon...) I tried to get the details out of him (what she said, what her face looked like) but he just kept saying "she was surprised." (Typical H. He's not the most descriptive.)

I asked if he had remembered to ask her for the money she owes him. He admitted he forgot. (She owes him $90 for the phone and $300 in rent, all of which he really does need.) He said he didn't want to talk to her anymore, though. I asked if it was worth the money for her to go away, and he said he thought it was.

He was very clingy. Curled up on me on the couch and didn't want to let me get up. I think he had a very upsetting day. He asked why I hadn't called him while I was at work, and I asked why he hadn't call me. Usually he's asleep when I call, and I feel bad, but maybe he likes it anyway. I'll just wait until he's probably awake today.

He wound up going to bed with me because he was tired. We ML, which was nice. I had just fallen asleep when he started having the bad dreams again. He hasn't had them in months, but I notice they come back when he's feeling really stressed. (So I know it's possible for him to sleep in the same bed with me...for years he had these dreams every night, until after the first sep.) He was jumping so bad it woke me up, and then him.

He apologized for waking me up. (Poor thing...he's the one with the bad dreams, and he's apologizing to me because I have to work the next day.) I told him not to worry about it, and suggested maybe he should get back up. He said he was too tired. He then starting talking about things that made him happy.

I rolled over, tried to go back to sleep, but I could tell how he was still tense. He said he was afraid. I said I was too. He asked what I was afraid of, and I told him that I was scared of him leaving me again. He said he would never do that again--that he had "learned his lesson" (his words)--but that he was scared of feeling "that way" again.

So I mentioned something I had intended to tell him before--that there are places in town you can rent for a week for about $150. That way there's no obligation or anything, and he would have a little place with a bed and a kitchen to retreat in. (Both times we have seperated, it has only been a couple of weeks before he's wanted to come home. It's just that he was doing things so fast that he was in this big mess before he knew what was going on.)

He then asked if they had these up by where he worked. I said I thought so, but I didn't know. He also mentioned that maybe he could stay with MF for a few days. I said that was also a good idea. H said the thought that he did have a place to go if he got worked up gave him a lot of comfort. I told him once we got a house, he would have his own room to do whatever he wants with. That we would put the spare bed in there, and he could set up the room however he wanted, and I wouldn't go in there.

He gave me a hug, told me that made him feel better. Knowing H, I suspect that just having that retreat will, most days, make him feel better. I'm betting he won't have to use it that much--which is what had been going on right now, with him "living" at his mom's house, but always staying at my place.

H told me several times that it wasn't me he was trying to get away from. And that it wasn't being M to me that made him feel trapped. I'm not sure he does know what it is. I told him it was okay.

He finally decided to get up and run some errands. Not sure how we got back to talking about xrm, but I asked him what exactly she had said that night he had asked me not to stay at my apartment alone. (Previous apartment.) He said she was "talking crazy." I asked him what she had said that he thought was so crazy. He finally told me that xrm had said that she knew where I lived and knew where I slept. (Um, yeah, that is kind of crazy.)

I asked him how he thought she knew that, and he said he thought she had either followed him or me there. Although I'm not sure who--H is the paranoid type, and has told me on occasion he felt like he was being followed. And I'm not sure where she would have followed me from. I don't think she knows where I work. Although she could also have just as easily seen his car from the road--it's pretty distinctive.

Doesn't matter. I guess he told her I was moving to the opposite side of town I'm really on.

He did tell me that he didn't miss xrm anymore. (Yay!) Said he did miss some of her friends--but he can't hang out with them without being around her, and he wants nothing to do with her. Some of the stuff he said also made me think I might have been reading too much into their friendship. I don't know. It's so easy to get the wrong impression...either way.

I guess it doesn't really matter. Just want to put it behind us!

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]