I did some more thinking about this last night. I was in a grumpy mood--touch of a cold--but I find it easier to act as if with H when I'm grumpy than when I'm upset.

I think there are several reasons why xrm bothers me so much more than xow. For one, he had the gall to move her into a place that was supposed to be my home after he kicked me out. (Although, to be fair, he did try to get two other guys to move in. He didn't have anyone, she offered, and he needed the money. And he did know how upset it would make me.)

I'm also bothered because I feel like he hasn't acknowledged his frienship with her was over the line. (Again, in fairness for him, women misunderstand him all of the time. The way he talks to people always comes across as flirtatious--it's this way he has of listening and paying attention to a person. He actually is the same way with guys--just doesn't have that effect. ) But I'm bothered by how attached he was to her. It took him awhile to admit the whole mess with xow was an "affair"--but H doesn't seem to understand that there are such things as an EA. Words mean a lot to me...my LL is both touch and WOA. And something about hearing him acknowledge that it was too much would do a lot for me.

I also understand that he will have to have that connection broken for awhile before he'll be able to see that. With xow, I insisted all contact be cut off. He wasn't very happy about it, but I told him that was how it had to be. So I'm (unfortunately) familiar with all of the stages.

I'm also bothered because I feel like he's been nicer to her than he was to me. He could just pack all my things, call my parents, and have my stuff waiting at the door. With her, he was trying to be gentle, and give her hints, and be "understanding." (Again, to be fair, he told me that he hated how he handled it with me, and was trying to be a better person because he knows what an @$$hole he can be.) But he's also let it drag out longer than he would have with most people. This is someone who, at one point, was making some sore of subtle threats toward me. (He never did tell me exactly what she said or implied. Only that he would feel better if I spent the night elsewhere.) And then, of all things, he said the weirdest thing last night...that he should have "cut her out completely" long time ago. (What??? There was still some chance of their "being in the same loop"???)

I'm bothered because he allowed someone to, consistantly, disrespect me. And not only did he defend her, but he still wanted to be "friends" with her.

I'm bothered that he just somehow didn't see that she was interested in him romantically. (Which, I somehow find incredibly hard to believe. He's very observant...so either he did know and isn't being straight with me or he really does just want to have friends so badly he's willing to see them was the kind of person he wants to. Knowing H, that is actually possible.) I mean, the things she did were so blatant. I asked him last night how he could have a picture of her up on his computer, but not one of me. He then told me that he did--but that he kept finding that it had "fallen over." (OMG, does he not realize how silly that sounds??)

Now, I'm not usually a paranoid person, but does that strike anyone else as a little odd?? That is just "coincidentally" happened to have "fallen over"--most of the time. (The fact that he says things like that to me...a lot....makes me think he really just didn't get it.)

I'm hurt because of this whole other life he had during the sep. (I know, I know, kind of silly...) It's not that he hung out with other guys. It's that he hung out with other women. And he'll bring them up now and then. Like this one woman, who said she was "in love" with H. (He quit hanging out with her altogether after that.) I mentioned how at least she didn't call constantly--then I said something about she was probably just infatuate with him, anyway, since she couldn't have been around him enough to be "in love." He then told me that he had known her for three months. Something about that statement just hurt so bad...I hated that he was around all these people all of the time...

I'm also hurt because, looking back, he's always had these sort of "friendship" since we've been together. I don't think it's intentional...I'm not even sure he realized that it could be harmful. And the others were so much milder.

While we were engaged, and I was still in college, he became friends with this girl who was on the dance team. Used to stop by her booth at the mall to chat with her. Talked about her quite a bit--and got upset when he realized that he had a crush on her. Really freaked him out. I didn't think much of it, and then I graduated, and that was the end of that. (He didn't even have her phone number.)

Then there was this girl who played in the band with me. We were friends, partied together some, nothing really more meaningful than that. She was very pretty. H hung out with all of us, and they got to be pretty friendly. He got so he was making the one-hour trip to see her once every week or two. At first, I didn't think much of it. Toward the end, it was kind of weird. But it still wasn't any big deal.

And then there was xow. And then, three months later xrm.

To be fair, H and I have had the discussion that it doesn't work to have opposite-gender friends. And he's been cautious about it. We've even discussed how we each came up with (on our own) guidelines to keep things in check.

I did have a MF who, in retrospect, probably was more fond of me than was appropriate. It started out being a group of us from work that hung out together...and then it was just myself and him. Someone once suggested xow might have been, at first, a way of "getting back at me"--and that is just got way out of hand. I made sure to cut off contact with him a long time ago, even before I ran across DB.

H also told me that it was "weird" living with xrm--that he didn't really like it. I'm hoping that, now that he's had a taste of what it's like to live with someone else, he'll appreciate being with me that much more.

H said to me over the weekend that he feels like I'm punishing me. I admit, I did do that after the first sep. But I feel like I've been trying really hard not to be that way this time.

I think this may be a combination of things... I think his guilt is a big part of it. I also think he was just plain old overly sensitive this weekend. He wasn't feeling well, and was taking all kinds of stuff out of proportion. Case in point--my computer got killed over the weekend by a virus, more than likely by him looking at some adult sites --and he was paranoid that I was going to be mad at him. Frustrated...yes. Mad? No. (Although I did ask him to quit surfing for the stuff, since I need to be able to use the comp for work.)

But he also took something I said waaaay out of proportion. He was talking about the movie "Lost in Translation"--said it was boring, I had never seen it. Said it was about an affair. I asked if they slept together, and he said no. I made some comment that those kind--emotional affairs--are just as bad as the physical ones. He got pretty upset, accused me of "throwing it in his face." I had to convince I didn't mean anything on him about it at all. (And I really didn't!)

I'm planning on looking into MC once my salary kicks in. I'm also going to do a lot of interviewing over the phone before I go in for an appointment. I've considered doing a phone consultation, but I would really prefer a face-to-face C that maybe H and I could see together. (He has said he would like to go!)

I realize that H is working very, very hard to make me happy. He has done soooo many nice things for me. And it's not that I don't appreciate them. I've made very sure to tell him that. I just...need some time to get through all of these feelings. I honestly believe it's just going to take time. I've told him that, told him to just give me time, and that we will be okay. (Although I did ask him if he felt better than he did a couple of months ago, and he said "much better"--so that's progress... )

The annoying thing is that there was a point, at the end of the sep where I was actually able to completely let go of everything that had happened. It was the most liberating feeling in the world... That old saying about "a weight off my shoulders" sure felt true. I'm trying to get back to that feeling again.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]