moving forward II -- it's a bright, sun-shiny day!

[Nevanna]

because other people knew about, and might have gotten the impression that my husband cared about/was dating someone else

Strangely, I'm not sure that's it. The woman he slept with hung out at the pub constantly. Everyone there thought they were having a very in-depth affair, even before it got to that point. Walking in there was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life after all the stuff that happened. Since it was a small, consistant crowed...well...the rumors were worse than high school, and you can bet they all embellished what had happened a great deal. (Although, I had the best type of revenge...when I did start hanging out there, everyone always said how sweet and nice I was...how much they liked me...and it was "her" crowed. You can bet she heard more than she ever wanted to about me...)

I was strangely relieved when he lost his job there. (Although it made us both unemployed at the time.) I actually used to get panic attacks (randomly) when I walked into the place.

I read something about how emotional betrayal is much harder for a woman to deal with, while it's the sexual betrayal that's tough for a man to deal with.

That makes complete sense to me...

...the PA sounds more like just a piece of a**...

You know, that wasn't exactly it, either. They were "best friends" for about three months leading up the actual sep and then PA. Drove me nuts. I got so ticked off at him, I blew up at him one night because he spent more time with her than me.

H...had some childhood traumas. His obsession with hanging around xow was that he thought she was helping him learn how to cope--he used to say they were "exactly the same." What really was happening is that she was enabling him. Badly. He wasn't sleeping, he was jumpy...well, there were other really weird things going on, and he was acting pretty crazy. (I don't mean in the delusional obsessed way of xrm. I also don't want to go into detail, since it's very personal stuff for H.)

I found out later that she was feeding that. He told me later that she was literally making him relive his past pain--said it felt as bad as when the stuff first happened. She was also feeding the idea that he needed to move out, get on with his life, etc...

H was so messed up, I honestly don't believe he was thinking clearly. And that there was a PA...well...that's actually pretty typical behavior of H before we started dating. He was promiscuous. In a weird way, it was his way of trying to deal with our splitting up. (He told me later that xow got sick of hearing about me all the time...LOL...)

I don't condone his actions. But I understand how he got the place he did.

Yes, the repeat is REALLY hard to deal with. My H described it not as him running to someone else, but trying to run away from the pain of our relationship and of his life at that time.

I think it's the same way with my H. He would say stuff like "I've caused too much damage" or "There's no way to fix this." I think he needed to see that both options hurt--leaving wasn't any easier than staying. Might was well get through the pain and be with the one you love.

You have been really patient with your H, and being patient with his lingering contact with xrm

Thank you for saying that. H certainly gives me the impression that I'm being pushy and obstinate about the whole thing.

My anger flares the highest when I am going along peacefully and BOOM, there they are again.

Exactly. I am much better at keeping my reactions in check than I used to be. But I'm still human. I think the surprise of it is really hard to deal with.

Wow, I know that panicky feeling SO WELL. A lot of different things can trigger it - any reminder of xow, songs on the radio, etc.

TV shows seem to do it to me. There have been a couple of times I've been watching something, in a perfectly okay mood, and then just burst into uncontrollable tears.

Oh...and I managed to stay home and in control while H was at work. And yes, she did show up in the club. (With her sister.) Just said hi to him, and that was it--guess she was flirting with some other guy. (H told me the guy is a player, and that he hopes she gets played by him.) So no panicking on my part--I could feel myself started that way, and didn't let it get out of hand. I know what that feels like, and I don't want to feel like that again.