Quote:

And sometimes the mere appearance or rumor of infidelity is what hurts.



Very true... And it doesn't help that xrm is nuts, and went around telling people they were together. Strangely, this situation upsets me more than the actual PA.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because it was short-live? We were only seperated for three weeks (which is when the PA, really a ONS, happened). Maybe because he came (literally) running back to me? Maybe because xrm actually moved into the apartment with him? And because it certainly looked like they were dating? I'm not sure why this is harder for me to deal with.

I think maybe it's because this was a "second time around." I knew that stupid skank wanted to be more than friends. I guess I was able to dismiss the first episode as a very human mistake...thought he had learned his lesson. (Okay, that sounds harsher than I mean it.)

And...I'm around basically nothing that reminds me of the PA anymore. He doesn't work at that bar now. I'm not living on that side of town. We're not in either apartment where all of the drama happened. On the otherhand, xrm keeps calling. And calling. I got a little frustrated, and told H earlier that he was too nice to her.

Maybe part of what I'm doing is projecting all of that hurt and anger from the PA onto the current circumstances... When I found out that xrm said she was going to drop in to the club tonight, I got that nasty panicky feeling that made me feel like I needed to be there. I used to be soooo bad about that... Although H hated the woman he had the PA with, she came into the bar every single week on the same day. (Although, towards the end, it was just kind of pathetic and funny.) I had this awful habit of always looking nice and making sure I stopped in on those days. I used to get so worked up just thinking about her being there.

I had already told myself I needed to stay in for the next few weeks, until my new salary kicks in. I'm not going to get paid for awhile, and I can't really afford to spend the money. I had to make myself calm down, and realize that 1) even if I did go, it's so crowded, xrm might not even see me... and 2) I'm not going to get into that habit where I'm doing/not doing something just because of xrm. It's just not worth my energy...

H is having a hard time with the guilt. He told me earlier that, when we were seperated this time, he didn't know how he was going to "win me back." (Geeze...and I'm writing on this board wracking my brain trying to figure out how to make things right between us again...) He also said he hated himself for making me cry the way I did. (I think I came veeeery close to a nervous breakdown.)

Sorry for the rambling. It's late on a Saturday, I haven't been out all weekend (saving money till I get paid!), I'm starting to feel cooped up...and I've been fighting with the viruses on my computer all day. (Not fun.)

Anyway, hope your weekend is going well!

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]