moving forward II -- it's a bright, sun-shiny day!

[Nevanna]

Mak--thank you for stopping by. Yes, I'm amazed at how ML helps...it always makes me feel so much better. Both times we seperated, after we got back together, we ML like crazy for a couple of month straight. Both of us have touch as being an important component of our LL's, and I think that contributed to it. And, I have never felt more connect with H than times we have ML.

I'm working on a tribal interpretation of the Mayan symbols for my H's name. (He's Mayan.) I hate written words for tattoos, and this way no one will know--besides us--what it is. And it will match my other tattoo stylistically. He's going to do the same thing with my name, and get it to match in style with the tribal on his arm. The whole tattoo name thing was his idea, and I think it's pretty cool.

Karen:

Ha ha! I'd like to see that! Do you like Monica when they went on vacation???

YES!! LOL It gets shorter and much, much poofier. (H about died laughing when he saw that part on friends--pointed at me and claimed that was what I looked like on our honeymoon. )

Yes, I work during the day. (And H is a bartender. Actually, he just left for work.) And I get woken up most nights, now that he stays here all of the time again. But I give--I'm just happy to have my H. He is soooo much more understanding about. And he knows he is much worse when it comes to crankiness.

Ick. Sex in the middle of the night. I very much enjoy ML. I just don't like to be woken up that way. Actually, when I'm really asleep, I just hate to be woken up. He usually doesn't do that, and I can only think of one time when he was really insistant. (And he was drunk then.)

So, of course you feel like exploding-you're not eating like you should and not getting a good night's rest-makes for weary nerves.

Yeah, it does... He's been very sweet about it, though. And I'm getting more adjusted to his coming in and making noise late at night--I'm sleeping better through it. My next goal is to work on going to bed earlier, so my sleep isn't interrupted at that critical point.

H is obviously very sensitive from past issues which you know you cannot help. But, how are you saying things to him when you are saying you are upset or irritated about the house not being cleaner, etc.? Can you give us an example of how your interaction goes?

Depends on how worked up he gets. I used to try to "talk him out" of his moods--but that only makes him feel worse. Now I just validate and listen. Usually some hugs or telling him I love him does wonders. This last time was about the worst I've ever seen him--I think because he had only had two hours of sleep.

Um, usually I just try to keep my mouth shut when I'm bothered about something petty, because I know the feeling will pass. When I get stuck is when H catches "that look" on my face and gets concerned about what I'm thinking. I usually try to be very gentle and avoid saying "always" and "never," but he can be so sensitive at times that any criticism is taken way out of context. Those times make me feel the worst, and I just try to be supportive and understanding.

Another thing that I have noticed is that you feel the need to talk to him whenever you get upset.

Yah, I do. It really depends on the situation. If I think it's silly, the feeling will pass, or it something that I think is already resolved, I try to change the subject. Sometimes it works. Sometimes he pushes.

If I think he's in an okay mood, I tell him that I just need to talk or be held. And that often works. Other times, he will insist that I tell him, even if I think the subject might do more harm than good. And then I'm stuck between him being upset because I don't share or him being upset because I bring up something that might hurt him.

Confused yet???

For some reason, relying on the other FEEDS into insecurity causing us (me) to feel even worse about ourselves and MORE dependent. Does that make sense??

Yeah, I know what you mean. I went through this period where I was terrified to be too emotional with H, because that had driven him away. I want to be able to share with him, but not depend on him emotioanl. Weird balance. Still trying to find it. I think we're doing better.

H said some things to me earlier that were intereting... He actually told me while he was driving that he felt like he had been running from me. Kind of alluded to the fact that he had tried to put up a barrier between us.

Huh. Guess all the shrinks were right. He was running from me because of his childhood traumas. Of course, all of them (and I had seen, maybe, 4 different ones) told me nothing would change unless he went to therapy. And that nothing I could do would help. (Which is why I quit bothering to try C. None of them would help me on my end--I would talk some about H, and then they would all tell me there was nothing they could do for the M without him. Kind of annoying.)

But he also proceeded to tell me that he was working through his barrier--thanks to me!! (Wow, not only did H acknowledge that he was pushing me away, he actually felt like he was making progress.) He told me that something about getting married had freaked him out, and he had felt weird ever since then...but that he was finally feeling settled in, and calmed down.

H also apologized earlier for having been so angry with me all of the time, the last year. I told him it was okay. He said he didn't know why he was so mad. I think him being alone those months gave him a lot of time to really evaluate himself and what he was doing and how he had behaved. (Not to say that I was perfect--I've certainly made mistakes. I think he just began to see how his piece fit into it all.) And I think being around xrm and all of her anger made him realized that I really am very easy-going.

Hehe, and speaking of xrm...she called the other night. H made plans to meet her for lunch--going to give her some of the stuff that's hers he found when unpacking. He's also going to try a new tactic to get rid of xrm, since ignoring her and being mean to her don't seem to do it. So...H is going to tell xrm that I'm pregnant (I'm not...at least, not at the moment...)and he's really super excited to be a daddy. We both think she won't want to deal with him if she thinks he's going to have a kid.

Wow...this was a lot longer than intended...