It's pouring down rain. It took me over an hour to get to work (normally 25 minutes). I left late anyway because of a bad morning, and was 45 minutes late. The bottom half of my jeans is soaked. I left with sandals (didn't take the time to change) and my feet are cold now. And my hair has just about doubled in size.
So last night, I started crying on my way home from work. No trigger. Nothing. Just started crying my eyes out. My personal theory is that I pushed it all down for so long the last several months, that it just gets me at an unexpected time. Kind of like when you shake up the 2 liter of pop--sooner or later, that pressure is going to hiss out if you don't open it up to an explosion.
So I'm just crying my eyes out on the drive home. Just wanted to climb on my H and let him hold me. I have this fear of being upset in front of him--it's made him just run the past several months. And then I started feeling like a real shmuck. He has been doing all of these wonderful things for me lately. And here I am, getting upset over things that happened months ago.
Well, he wasn't there when I got home. Called his cell, but he had left it at my place. Called MIL's house, and he was there. I just told him I was a little upset, but didn't insist he come over or anything. We didn't talk long.
Finally decided I needed to take a nap. I had a splitting sinus headache from all of the crying. So I curled up on the couch. Woke up a couple of hours later when he came in.
Told him I'd been upset. But I was feeling better. I wound up going out with him to buy cigars. I really wanted to go out with him--drinking or to listen to a band, or something. We haven't had a weekend together since last February, because of his job.
The first place we went didn't have what he wanted, so we drove up to a different side of town. Right by where his old apartment is. We even drove by it. The place we moved into to "start fresh" after the first sep and the PA. The place he kicked me out of right before our wedding anniversary. The place he moved psycho xrm into...and then a few months later I was up until 3am all week to help him get out of as fast as possible.
Ugh.
So we went into the cigar shop. That was kind of fun. Although it was right next to the pub he used to work at. Where he met w****#1. Yick. I asked if he still went in there, and he said he had the night before. Ah, well. (Stupid b!tch doesn't go there anymore.)
When we headed back home, H didn't even think about it and drove right by where w**** used to work. Still hate her. He groaned, and I ripped on her some, and then the rest of the drive was pleasant.
He went out last night. No big deal. Didn't even really bother me. I was just tired anyway.
When he came home he came in the bedroom and talked to me. Told me he had been going out too much. (WTF??) That he missed me. I told him he was fine, I didn't think he was going out too much at all. "Too much" was when I didn't get to see him or talk to him and was made, on 198th down the list after everyone else. Going out a couple of nights a week with coworkers is, well...kind of healthy, I think. But, whatever.
He asked me if I could put in the pizza he picked up while he took the dog out. I said sure. He then apologized, said he forgot I had to go to work. (Was it 4am? 5am? Don't know.) I intended to, but fell back asleep. Back when all of our problems started, he would have gotten mad at me. Not this time.
He came back in when it was done. I had obviously fallen back asleep, cause it seemed like I had only talked to him a minute before. So I moved to the couch with him to eat pizza. Okay, I was pretty much asleep when I ate it. But, whatever.
So H was being perfect. Awesome, in fact. Everything I had ever griped about, he has changed. He is attentive and loving and kind. And I just think I have the best guy in the world. I tell him that all of the time, too.
I had trouble waking up this morning. Was having a bad dream--that he wanted to leave me. (Um...not likely with his behavior lately.) I guess my fear is...he means it now. Just like he meant it before that he would never leave me. But people change their minds. And that's what I'm afraid of.
I was in a crappy mood when I got up. I think I'm still a tad sick or maybe just sleep-deprived. Don't know. But the place looked like it had exploded.
I have a huge pet peeve with there being a dirty house. There were piles of his old clothes in the living room. Towels on the sick in the bathroom. The curtain was pulled back. Clothes on the floor in the bathroom. The drawers were open in the cabinet in the bathroom. Trash all over the kitchen counter. The phone book was left out....dirty dishes on the coffee table...
It all sounds soooo petty. But I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cleans. I hate feeling relegated to the roll of "housewife." (No offense intended to those who are! Just not me--like I hate the color pink or wearing skirts.) I hate feeling like I work all week, I make the majority of the money, and I have to clean everything. The times I didn't work or was in school or he made more money, it wasn't that big of a deal...but...I don't know...I hate feeling like I have to do it all.
Not to say H hasn't helped. He really has. Just not this last week--and things were a mess this morning. I couldn't help myself....I was picking up as I was getting ready for work.
Well, H caught me. Actually caught me putting away the water jugs he bought. The cat had woken him up, wanting out of the room. And he could tell something was bothering me. I almost didn't tell him. But I used to never tell him what bothered me, so my new rule has been to be more open with him...to be less withdrawn... So I told him I was bothered that it was mess.
He got really, really hurt. Started saying he would clean--and began going around the place picking up. Said he had planned to surprise me and clean the whole place while I was at work. ( ) I was really feeling bad then. I tried to get him to go back to bed...especially since he works tonight...
He kept asking me if I was mad at him, if I hated him. I was feeling sooo crappy about having told him at all about the mess bothering me...this just made it worse. I finally had to leave for work--I was already really late. He came over, and just clung to me. Asked me if I wanted him to go now. If I was going to ask him to leave.
I didn't know what to say. Nothing I said seemed to help. I just felt like crap. I told him of course not, and then I really did have to go to work.
H even told me last night that I had been kind of cranky last night. Not sure where that came from. I thought I had been trying so hard to be nice...I honestly feel like I'm going to crack, I'm so paranoid that messing up will chase him away again...
About a week ago I realized I have this overwhelming sense of guilt. About the whole seperationg thing. I feel like this second one was my fault. That if I had just been more patient with him...just been more appreciative and nice to him after he came back the first time...if I had just seen how hard he was trying, he never would have left again. I know it's not rational. But it's there.
And after this morning, I am so afraid of saying anything the least little bit critical. I don't even have to say something harshly, and sometimes he will say "don't yell at me." I don't know how to handle that. I realize that he is being oversensitive. And I spend so much time trying to build him up, I take care to compliment him on all the nice things he does, all the thoughtful things he does. (And he has been going overboard lately.) But it doesn't seem to be enough. I know this is something he has to deal with, but it's very frustrating to me.
I feel like, so often now, that I just try so hard...but sometimes it's just enough, no matter what I do...that in the end, I'm not going to be good enough for him. Especially since my changing how I approached him had such dramatic results. If all I needed to do was change a few things...if I had only known that in the first place...then maybe a lot of this is my fault, after all.
I had this weird notion for the longest time about H... I felt so secure with him. He was the first person (outside of my family) that I had met that seemed to like me for me, unconditionally. I thought he would always be there, no matter what I did or what happened. And then the first sep happened, and ripped that sense of safety from me.
Have I ever mentioned that I think I suffer from depression?
(Wow...scary...never said that out loud before...)
So...what I'm going to do...
I think I'm exhausted. Physically. From staying up too late with H on weeknights. Not going out tonight. Going to bed early, and get tons of sleep, since I have plans for tomorrow.
Also think H's being around has adversely affected my eating habits. Food plays a major role in my moods. With him around, always buying sugar or over processed foods, I've gotten away from the way I need to eat for me. I have enlisted his aid to help keep me from eating sugar. (Major contributing factor. I go in cycles when I get it out of my system. First I get mean. B!tchy. Then I get depressed--which is my current stage. Then I start to equalize.) I need to get better at not eating it when it's in the house. Also need to keep more food around for me eat--which will be much easier, since soon I'll be making more money.
Exercise more. I've been good in this area lately. Cardio helps improve my mood. I had slipped the last couple of months, but been getting back on target again the last week or so.
Sun. My mood is always worse in the winter, when I'm away from the sun. (One of the reasons I desperately want to move out of the midwest.) It's been gone the last couple of weeks, and then I was busy and didn't do any sunbathing. So I'm going to go to the tanning bed in the next couple of days, as well as try to get to the pool this weekend.
Writing. Well, actually, telling someone how I feel. Something about expressing it allows me to let go of the feelings. Just can't always talk to H without hurting his feelings.
I know all of this works. I had my moods pretty much under control by the end of the sep. Consistancy is the key...
Now that I've written all of that out, I do feel calmer. Which means I am also very tired. I need a nap...! LOL
Still hate her. He groaned, and I ripped on her some, and then the rest of the drive was pleasant.
So I moved to the couch with him to eat pizza. Okay, I was pretty much asleep when I ate it. But, whatever. 
I tell him that all of the time, too.
