Doing good. I probably wouldn't post if you didn't ask... I've been too busy at work, and definately don't have time at home.

Quote:

It might help you to quit trying to rehash stuff and seek answers from him altogether.



I know, I know. I had this burning need to figure out all of the details. Otherwise they keep churning in my mind. I seem to be pretty much out of this phaze altogether, though. Something about inconsistencies drive me crazy--although I do realize, people in general are never going to be totally consistant.

I told H that, I promised I would stop asking things. He's been so good at (calmly) answering my (equally calm) questions. I make sure to thank him for the reassurance, and tell him how much that helps. I've done the same for him when he needs it.

He called me in a panic on Saturday, from a bad dream, and I talked to him until he felt better. I thought it was kind of funny--he dreampt that he was assigned as a sort of "Witness Protection Program" agent to protect me, but we were still married/involved. And that he kept it from me that he was supposed to protect me, and then I got angry and felt betrayed when I found out. Then I decided to leave him, but I didn't tell him that, and instead I snuck out of the house. The whole scenario is kind of funny, but I see where the setup comes from.

I think one of the more frustrating things is when something triggers a memory. I'm perfectly fine...and then it's like getting hit in the face with a baseball bat. Never see it coming. Like when we were watching TV the other day, there was this scene almost identical to how I imagined the PA happened. Completely freaked me out. I just cried and cried while H held me. (Afterwards, I drug him out of the house so we could do something fun and distracting.)

I did tell H yesterday that I felt like, more and more, this whole mess is just unimportant to me. He commented that he wished I felt like that all of the time. I told him I would, just to let me have the time--and that he was being so patient and understanding. I've found, at least with him, if I follow anything negative or stressful with tons of compliments...he feels much better. Sort of like the last thing said sticks in his brain better.

Met a GF on Saturday for dinner, and we wound up dropping by the club. Didn't stay too long--left before 1am. H was pretty happy we both stopped by. (Although he told me later that I missed the fire...I love that stuff.)

When he got home, H told me that his coworkers thought both GF and I were seeing him--they wanted to all about both of us. (Never mind most people know he's married--I guess they thought I was some sort of mistres?? LOL) He told me he let them assume--I guess he really enjoyed being the stud. (He just eats up that kind of attention...one of the reasons why I make sure to tell him all kinds of nice things all of the time.) That they were even saying they wanted to grow their hair long and go to the gym and learn to speak English like him. He was reveling in the fact that they thought his wife was so hot. LOL

H has been handling the issue of his going out very well. I've figured out it's not that he does things outside of home--it's who he hangs out with. I get worried when it's the bar crowd. He got an invite to go rockclimbing with a mutual MF, and I encouraged him to go. (So much so he asked if I was tired of him being around.) But he was very considerate last night, made sure I was okay with him hanging out with some work friends. I told him how much I appreciated that, and how it made me feel much better.

I've learned, and this is in the books so much it's almost cliche, the more I encourage him to go out, the more he sticks around home. Even though I feel queasy inside, I don't let it eat me up. And I admit to him when it's an irrational fear.

You know, I've actually tried to not bring up every little thing that bothers me now. I figure I've spent enough time working out the details and how I feel, and if it's not new, I want to drop it. But H is very perceptive--he always asks me if something is wrong when I get that distant look on my face. He's been known to pull it out of me, even when I don't want to talk.

I do think we've both figured out a more productive way to deal with the feelings. Which, in the end, helps get rid of them more quickly. I was feeling some apprehension when H took a second job at a new bar--the last two times he took a new job, we seperated. So I just told him I had an irrational fear, I needed a hug, and I was worried because he was starting a new job. That seemed to work--he actually told me he had thought of the same thing.

Funny thing that's been happening to me lately--I've had several dreams where I've confronted either xrm or the woman he had a PA with. Not shouting matches or name-calling or anything like that. It's always a little different. For example, I remember telling xrm in a dream, in response to claiming a physical relationship with my H--"And that's something to be proud of? If I were you, I'd be ashamed to admit I ever even was interested in a married guy." Or "What did you expect? You have no reason to whine about 'getting hurt' when you were the one who chased after a married man."

I have no desire to actually do it. I have no idea where the w***** is anymore. I decided long time ago that she was beneath any such efforts--she's not worth the time. And as for xrm...it wouldn't accomplish anything, but to drag out the process. (Since she is still occassionally calling.) I just want it over and done with.

So why the dreams? I don't know. Maybe this is my subconcious way of working out some of the latent anger. I don't feel any anxiety from the dreams. I'm not waking up more upset over past events. In fact...they feel very...final. Like writing "the end," maybe?

Yes, I know, we're both still feeling very insecure. That's okay. I want to feel totally secure again--and I will, I think all I need is time--but I don't want to get comfortable again. Comfortable is only a step away from complacent, and that's what messed us both up.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]