Quote: One thing about undeveloped film is that eventually it goes bad and if he did develop the pics, it may not turn out!
Ooooh...
Crap, now I need to go get some film developed, there's stuff in his bag that I do want. Can't win either way!
Um, yeah, I haven't written anything in several days.
Things are going well. H (and I wanted to kill him for this one) called up xrm one night. (He's still trying to get some money out of her...I can't blame him for that, I guess...) And then she called for a couple of days. But it was quiet before that, and now it's quiet again.
H might as well be officially living with me. He's always there. MIL even asked him last night if he was still staying at her house (she does need the money). He just said yes, but it was too hot to sleep over there. (They never turn on the AC.)
MIL said the funniest thing in response, though--that he obviously just wanted to stay where I was at. (Man, the look on his face was priceless...) He just said something to the effect that I was willing to stay the night wherever he was (which is true...we can stay either place).
But things have pretty much settled down. I rarely think of the PA. That's been almost a year ago now. And, the more I find out about xrm, I don't really think they were that close--and I'm positive now that there was no PA with her. I had kind of still thought maybe there was and he was hiding it, but now there have been enough moments where I think I would have caught him if his reactions weren't genuine.
I did feel a little apprehensive about H going out last night. But I suggested it (he's had a touch of a cold, and I thought it might do him some good to get out of the house, maybe have a glass of wine). I know the anxiety was based on the fact that when he went out a lot, things were funny with us. I don't think his going out led to the weirdness (I think it was the other way around), but whenever he does it still gets me a little queasy. But I encouraged him to. And he did wait until I went to bed.
When he got home he told me he wished he had just stayed in, that he felt really sick. And that he only went because I "told him to." (Um...yeah...I thought I was just being supportive... )
He was very apologetic about all the stuff we've both been through. He even massaged me--which I kept protesting, since he was the one who was sick. (He countered that I was the one who was "special.") Told me again he couldn't believe how much he had hurt me, how he had gone about things all wrong. How he is "his father's son" and gets the "urge" all of the time. (His dad slept around on his mom...fathered dozens of kids with different women...a real sleeze.) Said he was afraid of messing up. (Of course, geeze, isn't that what already happened??? I haven't left yet! )
I told him he always gets upset when he goes to bed, for him not to worry. I told him it may be hormonal, since he always starts feeling bad at the same time every day. And I made sure to tell him all of the great things I see in him.
I did go through a faze where I had to hash out alllll of the details of this last sep. Every little thing that I thought was weird or inconsistant...all the times I was really hurt... It's sort of my way of finally processing all of the feelings. Although I did try to shut up when I could tell he was getting too upset. (Sometimes hard once I get started.)
And I make sure to tell him all of the wonderful things I see in him, too. And I make sure I do that all day long now! At random moments, when he's upset, when he's playing games, leaving him vmails... That seems to have really helped. It's like I need to outweigh the negatives I tell him.
Okay, that was a pretty long-winded response. LOL. Been busy with work, which is pretty much the only time I have to post. (Although H has been encouraging me to not drop off the BB altogehter--he keeps asking me when I'm going to write some more. )
Can't win either way! 
