When I got home last night, H's car was there. I was excited to see him...but he wasn't in my apartment. And his phone was there. Kind of confusing. He came in about 30 minutes later--BIL2 had picked him up to go looking for a storage unit.
The three of us decided to go out to eat. H mentioned before BIL2 walked in that he thought it was cute that I got along so well with his brother. (Since we hang out and do stuff together, even with out H.) While we were at the restaurant (and, BTW, the waitress was terrible--never refilled our drinks or checked on us), I mentioned to BIL2 that (hopefully) I'm supposed to finally get hired on with the company I've been contracted to for the last several months. He was teasing H that I would then be his "sugar mama." H got this horribly-exaggerated hurt face, then said the he just wanted me because he loved me--which must be obvious, since I've been broke up until now.
Then H said he didn't know how he was going to make it in basic without me there. He actually said he can't go more than five hours without missing me. Which completely caught me off guard! But in a nice way.
After that we went back to my place. While we were laying in bed (waiting on the food to settle), I asked him if he couldn't stand be away from me for more than a few hours, how did he manage to get me to leave before? (I've since stopped saying "kicked out" around H--that really hurts him.) I don't know why I said it. Just popped out.
He got really upset, said that it was hard, that he had gone about it all wrong. I apologized, said that I hadn't meant to bring it up--just that my brain latches onto contradictions, and they drive me crazy. I think that made him feel better.
I must have dozed off, because it was after 9pm when I woke up. Kind of late, but I told H I still wanted to do some weights at the gym. So we went ahead and left for the gym.
I stopped by the locker room while H went upstairs to a bench. When I got upstairs a few minutes later, he was talking to a guy in the weight room. He introduced me, and it turned out to be the brother of the DJ at the club.
When it was my turn to press, H wasn't even really looking at me. He was talking the entire time to this guy. H did this every time I did a set (we switch off). A couple times I was waiting on him so that I could get started. And, what finally did it, was when he was talking to this guy, not looking at me, and I had to actually tell him that I was having trouble, that I needed help with the last rep.
Then, while we were in the weight room, the electricity went off. It had been storming for some time anyway, so I wasn't surprised. I asked H if he wanted to wait on the lights or leave. He said he wanted to keep working out.
I told H I couldn't see. He said he could, and then insisted we continue to work. I told H I couldn't see what I was doing, and I was concerned that I was going to hit myself with the bar or trip on something. H insisted he could see, and that everything would be fine--and even suggest his retrieving a flashlight from his car. (Did I ever mention that H is, oh, more than a little single-minded? This sort of thing being the reason I used to avoid working out with him.)
A few minutes later, the lights came back on. And then the guy H had been chatting with left. We continued on with some of the machines. H wasn't being talkative. Actually, he had slipped back into "work-mode"...where he's much more distant and less friendly with me. Which is just fine when he's at work, I understand that.
We did a couple of more things, and H wasn't talking much. So I quit waiting on him when he was using a machine (we often switch off), and wandered off to do my own thing.
A few minutes later, H came over and asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing. (I wanted to get as much of a workout in as possible, and I knew he was going to get upset.) I switched to another machine, and H commented that while I was doing the pull-down, I looked really buff.
I told H I knew I had the muscle, which was why I wanted to lose some fat. (Not weight, just the fat layer hiding my muscles...I want better definition...did I ever mention that I'm a perfectionist??) H said that should be easy, all I would need to do was change my diet a little.
I laughed, and pointed out that I already eat very, very light--lots of salads, mostly fruits and veggies. I hardly ever eat meat (just too heavy). I told him if I ate any less, that would just be unhealthy!
H kept pressing me with what was wrong. He had the most concerned look on his face. I finally told him that I had felt kind of ignored. That I had to actually ask him to help me when I was struggling one time. And that this was supposed to be our time together. That had been the whole point of working out together.
He looked really hurt, and apologized, said he hadn't meant to, and that he was going to leave. (We had driven seperately.) I told him that was why I hadn't wanted to tell him. That I knew it would upset him. And that he was overreacting--that he was doing what he used to accuse me of, that I couldn't tell him something was bothering me because he was blowing it out of proportion.
He finally calmed down some, and we went back to the workout. I'm kind of concerned that he thinks I'm objecting to his having friends or talking to other people, period. Which I'm not! I was just upset that he was basically ignoring me. Especially when I really did need assistance!
A few minutes later I went over to him, said I wanted to go home. I told him I wasn't having any fun anymore. He asked why not. I told him because of the what I had said earlier, and because he was upset now, and because he had started to get obsessive on me again. I just wasn't having fun anymore, I was tired, and this was supposed to be fun for me.
So we left. Ran by his house to give some stuff to BIL2 for the yard sale. I was tired, so since I had my own car, I left a before he did.
When I got home, I took a shower. At one point, while in the shower, I broke down and just started crying. Not for very long. But I was upset over the whole mess, about how H seems to have this tendency to just jump with the next cool, new thing. I was scared about the whole pattern of it--that if I flipped out because I was afraid he was going to ditch me, the whole mess would repeat again. (Before the sep, all I heard from H was [MF] and [xrm]. Mostly about [MF], but that was all I heard about...)
I calmed down when I got out of the shower. Tried to wait, but called H maybe 20 minutes later. I could hear he was driving. He said he was getting groceries, and then he would be "home." And he was talking about my apartment (the place he is always insisting is mine, and not his!)
I finished with my hair and settled on the computer to play a game. When H came in he had several bags of groceries, which I helped him put away. He was nice enough to pick me up some milk and cereal--and just the kind that I like. I thanked him, told him how much I appreciated that, and he told me he know how expensive he could be. That he also knew little things like that helped. I thought it was the sweetest thing.
He asked if I had stayed up for him, and I said yes. (Even though I had also just gotten sucked into a computer game.) We talked about where he could possibly put his bar in the apartment. He then asked what stuff I wanted to put in his storage unit.
Completely surprised me. I had just figured it was his, and I was going to stay out of it. He told me it was going to be a little smaller than the one I had put my stuff in. (And he didn't even get upset mentioning it! That was the unit I had to get when he kicked me out!) He said we could put some of my moving bins (yes, I move so often, I have a set of plastic bins... LOL) in it, maybe clear out my over-stuffed closet, and he could keep his comics in my place. All of which I thought was great!
He asked me to stay with him on the couch. (Which I had already planned to do.) When I layed down, I told him I was sorry for getting so upset earlier--it just reminded me of some stuff, but I knew I overreacted. H took the comedic approach, trying to poke fun at me, but I really wasn't in the mood for it. Told him I was trying to apologize, and he was making fun of me.
I'm still a little hurt by the incident. Mostly because I had to actually ask H to help me when I was stuggling with that last rep on the bench press. That's something he should have done on his own as my spotter!
I'm also beginning to think that maybe he just can't split his focus. (Or, at least, maybe not very well.) As long as I've known him, when he's focussed on something, he is incredibly intense about it. He doesn't respond (at all) when he's playing video games. He's the same with movies. When he listens to someone, he's completely in the moment. I've never know anyone who could listen as intently--and be interested!--as he can. So maybe I'm hitting a personality trait here...I don't know...
It was really such a minor thing. The rest of the night was very nice. He did lots of nice things for me. I guess it's just one of those areas that I'm very sensitive about. Probably because it was such a main part of both of the seps...him ignoring me and ditching me for other people.
Although I did make sure to not be too hard on him. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I didn't retreat. So I guess it could have been worse.
