Had dinner with a GF after work last night. H wasn't there; he had gone to class. It was actually kind of lonely coming home without him there. (Never mind he seems to have just planted himself in my apartment. )
H got back a few hours later, but said he wanted to eat before we went to the gym. Which delayed us both. (I had missed him really bad, and didn't want to go without him.) I was starting to feel cranky then, not sure why, but maybe because I was tired.
Didn't stay at the gym long--just did some cardio. I was pretty tired when we left--it was my bedtime. But it was still good to get in a little exercise.
On the way back home, H said that we'd "been doing it a lot lately." I commented that I've been pretty satisfied with frequency the last few months. Then H, of all things, said he would actually like to ML more often.
For most of our R, H would insist he could go months without, or that ML just wasn't that important to him. There were times I felt like getting him into the bedroom was a huge chore. It absolutely floored me that he said he would actually like more.
I asked him if he wanted to ML more often, and he kind of hedged the question. I said it was always okay with me. (And it is.) He said he didn't want to ML if the other person wasn't into it--that it "didn't seem right" to him. So now I have the weird dilemma of trying to figure out how we can ML more often, maybe even when I'm not completely in the mood (not that I ever mind!!), without making him feel uncomfortable. I haven't initiated for months...it's been so nice that he's done it, and I got soooo tired of being rejected all the time. Maybe the next time I'm even slightly in the mood, I'll approach him...see how that works. (And I thought I would never have this problem!! I guess H is one of those people who needs to feel very, very secure and loved and cose to someone to want to ML. Who would have thought?)
I was definately cranky when we got my place. I could feel it. It was very late for me, and I'm sure that was why. I was in the kitchen, putting away some dirty dishes, when I felt myself get agitated. I started to say something, but I stopped myself. But H caught in anway.
He came over, looking very concerned, and kept asking me what was wrong. I told him nothing. But he kept pressing, and looked upset. I finally told him that I hated how messy he was, and wish he would just clean up after himself. He got this wounded puppy look, and said he would just leave then.
As weird as it sounds, this is actually more like H used to act pre-bomb. He's very, very sensitive. And he's not putting that "I'm an @$$hole" mask on for me anymore.
So I took him by the hand, and sat down on the couch, and told him that in the morning, while I was driving to work, I had thought about all the things about H that irritated me. And I had only been able to come up with one--that he never cleans up after himself. And I told him that I hadn't wanted to say anything, because I could tell I was feeling grumpy, and I try now to be more careful about what I say when I know I'm in a bad mood. That I try to wait a day or so until I'm in a better mood to see if I had a valid reason to get upset. That seemed to cheer him up.
Then I laid down on the small couch by the computer. H commented he felt restless, and wanted to go out. I told him to just go out then. He said he didn't really have anyone to go out with, and didn't like going to bars by himself.
I fell asleep on the couch. Didn't wake up until I heard H come in the front door--I had been so asleep, I hadn't noticed that he left. I asked if he had been gone long--he said he been gone for several hours. That he went up to the pub he used to work at, since he still knows people in there. I was a little bothered by him going out--but it was so mild, it really wasn't a big deal at all. Just sort of barely crossed my mind.
H told me that it was getting annoying, having women hit on him. That it was starting to make him uncomfortable. (Not sure if anyone came onto him at the bar, quite a few people know me there as well.) Said he had three of them in Wal-Mart. (Must have gone there after the bar closed.) He said he was glad he was wearing his ring, but almost thought that attracted more women. He swears he gets hit on more when he's wearing it, and commented that maybe he should just take it back off again. (Which would disappoint me, but be no big deal. I just like seeing him wear it. )
He put me to bed then. Not sure when he came in, but it was later. I just remember him wanting to cuddle once he came in.
This morning, when I woke up, I gave him a kiss on the neck, and a few kisses on the forehead. He smiled, and pulled my arms around him. I think I'm going to try to wake up earlier in the mornings, maybe initiate ML, and see how that goes. (That's always a good way to start the day!)
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