Fairly calm night. Haven't heard from xrm since Sunday morning. ( ) H was there when I got home, although we didn't talk all day while I was at work.

He even picked up some laundry detergent and stuff for the bathroom. I told him how much I appreciated it, since it wasn't even his place. He seemed kind of baffled, but I think that's because he didn't expect my reaction.

We curled up on the couch for a long time. H feel asleep, and I couldn't get him back up for class, so I just covered him with a blanket.

When he did wake up, much later, he was obviously still feeling needy. He came over by me on the little couch next to the computer, and said he wanted some "bonding" time. Kept telling me how much he had missed this sort of thing with me.

We wound up back on the couch watching TV. He set his glasses on the table, leaned his head on my shoulder, and started crying. I told him it was okay, he would feel better later, if he let himself get all the emotions out. He didn't stay upset too long--"Whose Line Is It Anyway?" came on, and soon he was dieing laughing.

He massaged my legs for a while. I must have dozed off then--it was close to my bedtime. I woke up when H got out of the shower. I remember mentioning the 5 LL to him. I think he found it kind of interesting, and he agreed with me about his--acts of service is his primary. Touch is pretty close for him (and my primary, so that works well), but he also responds well to words of affirmation.

I dozed off again. H then said BIL2 had called--that his rats had gotten out in the garage, and that his mom had put out rat poison. He was pretty worried, and he took off in a hurry. He said he would be back, but I didn't think too much of it.

I went to bed. Something about when he rushes out like that that messes up my mood when I'm asleep. I think I also had a weird dream when I was dozing on the couch. So I called him--he was busy, hung with me pretty quick, but I asked him to let me know about the rats.

H came in much later, and climbed on top of me on the bed to squash me with a bear hug. Said he had tried to sleep at his place, but couldn't do it, that he couldn't stand to be away from me. (And yes, the rats were okay--BIL2 found them. They're very domestic, it's not like they were going to hurt anything.)

He then laid down beside me, and pulled me over so I was laying on him. (He does this a lot, when I'm asleep, will tug at me or rearrange me so that we're curled up together. ) He kept asking me to forgive him. I told him I had--but, that he needed to forgive himself. He said he couldn't. That he was really sorry, he thought he had lost me, he hadn't meant for things to get so out of control. Said that he had only said he wanted the D to get me out of the house, that he had never meant it, and that he couldn't even stay away from me that long. (Although it was the longest couple of months of my life.) He even said that "things weren't that bad," that he didn't know why he felt so frustrated.

I made a mistake here. I normally just listen, or say "I know" or hold him. I told him that if he hadn't done what he had, then I wouldn't have found DB or this website. And that I'm much better off for that. I think that only made things worse--implying that, on some level, the whole mess was good for me.

I could see how badly H's guilt was getting to him. He was just miserable. I asked him if he was still wanted to see a MC. Although I'm feeling pretty comfortable with how things are progressing, if he's having trouble and wants to, then we should go. He said he still wanted to--then added he wanted to for himself. The only reason we haven't gone is lack of money. We just don't have it.

I had tried different several different C's before, throughout the last several months, and never been back more than a couple of times because I didn't like them. I told H that one I had seen, this time around, on my second visit, actually told me I should think about starting to date. I had been out of the apartment one week, we weren't legally seperated, and no one had filed for divorce. And she was telling me to date. Even after I had told her I was interested in making my M work anyway. She actually told me my H wasn't interested, and for me to move on.

This was before I had come across DB, and I never went back to her. I told H I decided not to listen to her. I think that story upset him pretty good.

We also talked about how a lot of C's are more interested in background, and just tell you "You do xyz because of this pattern in your life you are reenacting it," and don't ever really tell you how to help yourself. H agreed--and even brought up something from the KLA CD I had played for him!! About how by the time most people see a C, they're in pretty deep, and need help fairly quickly.

I mentioned the KLA seminars Michele has, and asked H if he would want to go to one of those. He nodded his head pretty emphatically.

H asked me several times to stay home from work, and I told him that I couldn't. I could tell that he really didn't want me to get up this morning--he pulled me back down a couple of times. I had a hard time just giving him a kiss on the forehead so I could leave.

I am kind of glad that H is apologizing so much. It really reassures me. He seems to do so much more after I calm down, and stop pushing so hard. It's like if I'm not, on some level, punishing him, he can then feel the emotions himself.

But then, I don't want him to dwell on it too much. I don't want it to eat him up.

I think I'm going to take my own advice--I'm going to listen to what I told him a few days ago. I told him it takes time, and asked him not to rush me. I'm going to do the same thing for him. Just be patient, understanding, and let him work out it in the way that he needs to.

(And yes, the bird is still in my apartment. It's actually perked up quite a bit, and is amazingly loud for an immature bird. Sounds like spring inside my front room. )

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]