Didn't spend much time with H on Saturday. He slept in pretty late, and had to be at work early (for a bartender.) We did get to do some errands together--I helped him buy some new shirts for work.
I was hanging out with him at his house while he was getting ready. Didn't even bring up the topic of xrm, when, out of the blue, H says maybe he should call her up when he gets off of work and ask her to go to breakfast with him. Commented, "See how she likes it."
Then he proceeded to complain about all of the things that really ticked him off about her. I just listened, most of the time, backing up what he felt. He complained about how she had drank a lot of his liquor. How she would make drinks, and then not even finish them. That she would just help herself to whatever new bottles he had--how he once purchased a bottle of Hypnotiq and she basically finished it off. That another time she opened a brand new bottle of premium vodka because he was out of the cheaper stuff. And how she pretty much finished off a case of Red Bull--a case that cost around $40. Then would complain about how she didn't have money for food or cigarettes.
I pointed out that I didn't just go through all of his bar supply, since I knew it was intended for when there were friends over. H said it would have been okay for me, anyway, since I'm his wife. And I said that I knew that, but I was still careful not to finish something or open a new bottle, because I knew the bar was still basically his. (And I certainly very, very rarely drink by myself.) H said he knew that, and was going to use that as an example.
He also griped about how she constantly took quarters from his bowl for gas or cigarrettes. And that he had used those for laundry or converted them for food--except that she was always taking them. And how she had gotten into his drawing pencils...the nice, expensive, specialty ones...and used those to take phone messages. Even when he repeatedly asked her not to. That she was always constantly helping herself to his stuff--and he's the kind of guy who is very, very picky about what is his. He doesn't like peopple messing with it.
H also told me that he was sad, because he liked xrm's sister. But that he obviously wouldn't be able to hang out with her anymore. I wanted to say something, but I didn't, because I realize he's just going through the phase where he's sad because he's giving up something.
After H went to work, I was feeling pretty sappy, and left him a direct vmail. And then an hour later I left another. And before I went to bed I left a third. I would have left more, but I was busy finishing unpacking. (And I am now done and the apartment looks great!)
I woke up around 8am, when H hadn't come home yet. Not unusual for me to wake up because he didn't come in when I expected. I thought about calling him, and decided against it. I thought maybe he had had breakfast with her. About then he walked in.
I told H I had been a little worried, and he said he had called xrm for breakfast. That she had complained about how early he was calling, and he had just said "How do you like it?" Then told her if she wanted to see him, now was her chance, it was up to her. (I think it's funny he forced her to adjust to his time schedule, instead of trying to accommodate her anymore.)
He met her, of course, in a public restaurant. He was nice enough to go to the one by where she was living. When he sat down, he said she started fooling with a spot on his neck, and he jerked back, and demanded to know what she was doing. She said he had a zit on his neck she was going to take care of it. (Not kidding!) He told her she was making him uncomfortable, and for her not to touch him.
He said he wanted to know exactly what she thought their relationship was when they were living together. That he wanted to know what she thought had happened. She denied thinking they were romantically involved. H said he thought she was lieing--had picked up on his attitude, especially since she's said so many things to indicate otherwise over the last several weeks.
He asked her why she had gone around telling people they were a couple. She said that she hadn't. He asked her why so many people had come up to him and referred to her as his gf, then. She didn't have an answer for that. (He suspected she was lieing.)
He also asked her about the "magical night" that she's continually been referring to. As he and I suspected, it was one occasion when they had gotten drunk together, and she had commented that it would be nice if they got together. (Of course, H at the time had told her no.) He told her that all that had been was two friends, enjoying each other's company. And nothing else.
He ripped her for all of the things she had helped herself to. Told her she had probably cost him money, over all, expecially because of the liquor. That she had never paid on time, and at one point he even had to borrow money from his wife to pay the rent because she was so late--which really ticked him off. (He told me one of the reasons he asked her to live there was because he thought she would be more respectful than one of his guy friends of his stuff and his alcohol. Ha!)
H also asked her why she was bugging him so much. She said H had said something that "inspired" her--to "take chances, go after what you want." (H says this all of the time.) I think H was irritated (with himself) that she had taken something he said and used it against him. Pointed out that he was married, and that she had known all along he wanted to work things out with his wife. She said she knew, which is why she hadn't pushed so hard. (OMG, what does she consider pushing??)
He also told her that it was ridiculous that she get upset (jealous??) when he was spending time with me. That she had no right to complain, since I'm his wife.
He also told her that he "wasn't healthy" for her--I think alluding to all the weird things she's been doing. And that he thought all of the cocaine she had done had permanently messed her up brain, because of her outrageous temper. She denied that. (Obviously, she still does the drug. How dumb can you be??)
And he told her that their time living together hadn't been that great. (I think she thought it had been this incredible living experience, the two of them together.) He said she was pretty upset by that, and asked why he hadn't told her before. He said that there had been no point to tell her sooner.
I asked him if she had said anything about the new shirt he was wearing. (Which looks very good on him!) He said that she had commented, "New shirt." He also said that apparentally her ex-bf (current bf??) doesn't like him too much. We had a good laugh at that. And he mentioned that it bothered xrm as much as me that he gets hit on at his job. (This really ticked me off, because there's her attitude of thinking she has some sort of rights to him.)
I mentioned that she must have been fooling herself, thinking they could get together, because he couldn't be with someone who has a temper. That it just didn't work for him. And he agreed with me, said he definately didn't want to be with someone who had a temper. Which is one of the reasons he likes me so much--I really don't have much of one. (Unless someone is interfering in my M!)
I gave him a nice, long massage. He also told me a few details of things that had happened to him as a child. It's taken years for him to slowly pull at that barrier, and it feels nice to finally be able to tell he's letting me into that aspect of his life. It was only a little bit, but I think it was significant for him.
We talked some about triggers, and how they can set off memories and startle him. I told him that was perfectly normal for all kinds of people--even I have them (usually associated with two seps and all of that trauma). I told him that they can be defused, but I didn't know how. He said he thought he was doing very well for someone who has been through what he has, and I agreed with him. (I've found that telling him he's normal actually has the weird effect of soothing his nerves. When I used to insist that seeing a C to sort out his childhood might help, he would actually act more out of whack.)
He didn't go to sleep until well after 9am, although he did tell me to wake him up. I didn't--he looked too tired. Instead I spent some time drawing on the computer. (I love 3D...I have several programs that I like to use, and can spend hours modelling something.)
He didn't get up until after 3pm. Complained that I didn't get him up. I told him I wanted him to get enough sleep. He said he didn't want to sleep the day away, that he wanted to spend time with me.
He also told me how much he had liked all the vmails I had sent him the night before. I told him I made a point of sending them directly to his inbox, so I wouldn't bother him at work. He said he even let someone he worked with listen to them--at which point she made a face and said "eeewwww." (Nice to know my being affectionate can still make people gag! )
I showed H what I was working on (I had the strangest urge to draw his Beretta, have no idea why...). He really liked it, what little I had done. (He loves weapons of all types.) Asked me if I would draw some other things for him sometime.
He also asked me to pluck his eyebrows for him. (No, I don't shape them, just get rid of the excess. ) He said he wondered how many other guys let their spouses do that sort of thing. He also offered to do mine for me. H said he also enjoyed it because it was another way of being close.
I had intended to go do some cardio at the gym. H said he wanted to get his other ear pierced, and asked me to go with him. Said he really wanted to be cutesy in public with me. ( ) So I said I would go shopping with him, then to the gym, since the gym was open later.
He mentioned while we were driving around that he had always had to talk down to xrm--that she wasn't that bright, and it drove him crazy. But he had stopped bothering to do that when he met her for breakfast, and she had to keep asking him what he was talking about. H also said she had told him that he was "different"--which is funny, because she obviously didn't know that if she said that. She was getting the prick side of him, which if she'd paid attention, she would have noticed he acts that way around people that annoy. Obviously she never knew him that well.
We didn't make it to the mall, since H wanted to get some steaks from Sam's Club. After we went back to his place, I took his car to the gym. I got back just in time for grilled steak. (Mmmmm.)
We made plans to go the movies, so I took a shower there and borrowed some of his clothes. Then we ran by my place so I could change, and H took my dog for a walk. When he came back up...he had a baby bird in his hands. Said he had found it, it couldn't fly, and he wanted to nurse it back to health.
For some reason, I had one of those silly panic episodes with the bird. (I'm beginning to suspect it's related to my sugar intake. I haven't had one in a looong time, and then I recently have been letting H "treat" me to some stuff.) Every time it tried to fly, I would screech and run into the bedroom. Why it scared me (startled me??) I don't know. Strangest thing.
But I crawled in bed, and refused to come out. H finally came in (minus the bird) and asked me to go shopping with him to get a cage and some bird seed. He kept asking, and I kept wavering. I finally decided to go with him, since it seemed to be a big deal to him. (I might have stayed home before anyway.)
So we picked up the smallest cage and some bird seed. H said he would keep it as his house. We also decided if it died (or even after he releases it) we would just get another small, quiet, pet bird anyway.
I told H I didn't want him to think I was mad at him about the bird. Just a little startled by the stupid thing. And that his thing for animals is one of the reasons I love him.
H also told me not to worry about the anxiety thing. We talked about how it seems to be such random stuff. I had thought for a time it was related to people...but...well...this is a bird. But at least they are further apart...
We played some more monopoly on the computer. I was bankrupted pretty quickly. H kept saying he wanted to something to help me--he kind of felt like it was us against the computer's player--but I told him it was okay. Of course, I was bankrupted because I landed on his land--that he had been trying to get the computer with. But that's how games go.
I dozed off on the couch next to him, and H put me to bed later.
When I got up this morning, I mentioned I was still feeling a touch of nausea. (We've been joking that I may actually be pregnant, which would be our luck, after the prank we pulled on BIL2.) H said it would be funny to tell xrm that I was pregnant, just to see what her reaction is.
I also noticed when I got up this morning, that H had still not cleaned the litter box. I'm almost beginning to think that he subconsciously doesn't do things that I ask him to. So I'm going to try a different approach. When I talk to him later, I'm going to thank him for cleaning it out. Even though he hasn't done it yet. Sometimes that approach seems to work with him--when I tell him he's considerate, then he is considerate.
But I also realized I was falling back into the rut of how I used to get irritated when he didn't help out around the house. Time to try something different.
I also noticed that I'm detaching from the whole xrm thing again. I had been doing pretty good until I found that letter, which brought it all back emotionally. Now I'm calming down again.
And, the more okay I am with things, the more upset H gets. H mentioned meeting her for breakfast by where my previous apartment was got him thinking--about the fact that I had to move there because of his actions.
I also noticed that we gets upset, pretty consistantly, at different times of the day. For me, it's when I get up in the morning. For H, it's late at night, usually when he's headed to bed.