Slowly--thanks for stopping by! I didn't have internet for awhile, and then I was busy at work...you know how life can get in the way.

Yesterday was a good day. Amazingly, xrm didn't call at all after H told her they "needed to talk." Yay!

When I got home, H had cleaned up my apartment and unpacked some. I couldn't believe it! I told him how great it looked--he kept saying it wasn't much, but I really did appreciate it. I made sure not to mention that he didn't do the one thing I had asked him to do (litter box--I have trouble breathing when I clean it out) since he had sone soooo much for me on his own. That's the kind of thing I would have done in the past, just didn't realize how insensitive I was being.

I did slip once, and badly. I was leaning on H on the couch, while he was playing video games, and I said I thought the whole first sep/OW/PA mess had actually traumatized me. I told him I noticed that I seemed to have some of the symptoms--guilt, the "if only I had..." type of thinking, that sort of thing. He was very quiet. I asked him if I that made him feel guilty, and he said that it did. I apologized, said I never meant to upset him, it was just that I felt like I could talk to him about anything. He agreed that was true. (I really stuck my foot in my mouth over this one...)

I then smiled, gave him a big hug, told him I loved him, and pointed out that I was still with him. He smiled back, said that that made him very happy. I think, sometimes, he feels like he's done too much to hurt me for me to stick around with him.

We wound up not making the gym last night, since H got back too late from class. Normally he would have whined and griped and thrown a fit since I backed out (I realized I hadn't eaten, I was so distracted trying to connect my dryer) and therefor threw off his schedule. But he was very sweet about it. Offered to get me something to eat or visit me on lunch at work the next day.

Since the gym was a bust, he wanted to swing by his house to pick up a few things (and take them to my place). He showed me some pictures of him and a friend when they went shooting. This got me really upset. It was such a weird chain of things leading to it, too.

Looking at these pictures reminded me that he still had pictures of that w**** he slept with around somewhere, undeveloped. Which just drives me crazy. I've asked him several times to destroy them. He hates her, but refuses, telling me "it was part of my life, and I don't want to forget it." I would like to forget it!! I even thought about developing all of his pictures, and then mutilating each and every one with her image...but...I'm not like that. They are his, and that's disrespectful. (Even though it sounds tempting.)

Which made me think of a lot of other horrible incidents that have happened over the last nine months. My mind kept going over and over them.

I curled up on the couch, waiting for H to finish with what he needed. He asked if I was okay, and I said I was tired. (It was getting late.) I was very, very careful not to snap or say anything harsh to him.

After all--he had done nothing wrong for me to be upset with him at that point. He was being incredibly sweet and caring, and was just completely doting on me. Why be mad at him when he was being so wonderful?

It was kind of strange, though...I noticed the sweeter he got, the more I felt resentful and wanted to retreat. WTF?

I realized that I had done this...well...for a long time. It was probably a major contributor to our problems. I wasn't able to drag myself out of the emotions or dig my thoughts out, but at least I could not take it out on him. And I made sure to be responsive, to not wholly and completely wall him off (he used to say that I "cut him off emotionally," and I'm finally beginning to see what he means). If he had asked me what was really wrong, I would have been honest. But no sense in berating him when he's being so nice!

H told me as we were carrying stuff up to my apartment that he was going to arrange the front room like I wanted. We had talked about a couple of ways of setting it up (it's actually kind of small). He did tell me that it was my place, and I could arrange things however I wanted. But he said he would set it up for me while I was at work today.

H has done a lot of things for me the past couple of days. When I mentioned that, he would just say "I love you." (H's LL is definately acts of service, and he's really been going out of his way for me lately.) I wonder if he's just feeling really affectionate, or if something is bothering him? I guess it doesn't really matter.

He's stayed at my place the last several nights. Although he did mention that he was considering staying at his house last night. I asked him if we were spending too much time together, if he needed some time away, and he said that wasn't the case. I wasn't bothered by the idea, I just wanted to know if I was coming on too strong.

When H came to bed later, I remember him asking me to hold him. He said he was afraid of us splitting up again. Not sure what meant by that, or what else he may have said, since I was sleep. Although he did say again that he was going to come see me for lunch.

I just realized this morning that we're at the same basic spot again--the same place we were after the first sep and the PA. The parallels are scary. A former female friend he knew from work interfering in our M. That won't go away. (OW used to come in the same day every week while he was at his old job, even after he told her to go away. Used to p!ss him off.) H is trying to get rid of her, but still feels some guilt about hurting his friend. It's been 6-8 weeks since we got back together. H is going out of his way to do nice things for me. Keeps telling me how he could never leave me, how he loves me, wants to have kids, would marry me all over again... All, almost exactly the same as before.

So...here's my chance to rewrite history! I actually think, as weird as it may sound, that the next couple of months are even more crucial than the last few. Just because it feels so much like history is repeating. So this time, I'm going to make sure that I behave in a way that's more productive.

I've already changed a lot of my patterns. The real work that I need to do is to get rid of the last of the resentment I have built up in me. No more blaming H. I need to make sure I'm not digging for more apologies from him. Just makes him feel guilty, which is not what I really want. No more blaming myself. I need to have my new mantra be "the past is the past." If I change what I do, then the same thing won't happen again, and we can get on with our lives.

[color:"purple"]Nevanna[/color]