Never knew I was LD until I got married

[cinemanymph]

Thanks for the support, honeypot. Maybe Corri could weigh in on this one?

Because the abuse occured at a young age (4) it is connected to so many aspects of my life on so many levels that it is difficult to get to the root of it and finally be free of it.

I keep hoping that things get better for us without having to do the work, because doing the work means having to give up sex for a while. I know how important sex is to my man.

I didn't have an inkling of how my past would affect my marriage. I didn't even connect the abuse to me until after we were married. My husband is the first person outside of counseling I ever told. He responded by saying he never would have married me if he knew about my past. He says I lied by omission. Instead of taking me in his big strong arms and telling me that he loved me no matter what happened in my past, he accused me and made me feel even dirtier than I already did. This is the man I ML to and endure the subsequent depressions for. I'm wondering if maybe I may have a flaw in my judgement of character.

[Greeneyedlass]

Cinema...

First of all, I'd like to smack your H silly for his behavior when you finally made yourself that vulnerable to confide in him that way. I don't know what his past is like but if he's never been abused he has no idea what courage it took for you to tell him something that intensely personal.

What type of counseling have you tried in order to deal with with the abuse you received? Has it been the same counselor or a variety of them? Have you tried Hypnosis yet? I understand it's hard to get to the root cause...but why do you think pin pointing the root cause is really so difficult...I mean, I know you were young...so you may have blocked several things out....the fact is the memories are still there to be accessed. Which is a horrifying thought, no one wants to re live abusive situations but sometimes it is necessary in order to face whatever it is you're fearful of. FYI...my first husband was horribly abusive (fortunately I was not a child) so to some level I can relate to you, but I'm sure not to the depth you experienced.

Tell us what you are comfortable with...we're all here to help

[Bube]

First of all, I'd like to smack your H silly for his behavior when you finally made yourself that vulnerable to confide in him that way.

Yeah, me too. That was incredibly insensitive. No, make that boorish. Sheesh.

Wildebube

[honeypot]

Why on earth would he say that he never would have married you, had he known?

That is such an incredibly hurtful thing to say.
Is he always insensitive with his words?

As far as not wanting to do the work, well, I certainly don't blame you but you know the answer to that. And the self martyr thing about knowing how important sex is to your man won't fly around here either. Let's get real. The only way to the progress road is via hard work.
If you are not ready to tackle it yet, that is understandable. Only you can make that decision.

I wish I had some words of inspiration and comfort but all I can do is offer a lousy cyber hug.

(((((((((())))))))))

Honey

[cinemanymph]

Lass,
Thank you for your heartfelt post! Yes I've been in counseling with male, female, psychiatrist, therapist, a pretty good variety. I haven't tried hypnosis. I don't think I have repressed memories. I know those are famous last words. Although my memory is subjective and has more than a few holes in it, the memories of abuse are vivid and retreivable.

Thanks, Wilde, I appreciate the male input. I never knew if H was right or not, but I did know that it made (and still makes) me feel pretty lousy.

[barneyfife]

CNymph,

I agree that H's response was insensitive and selfish. It really wasn't about him. Sorry it adds to your difficulty.

Mike - guilty of being insensitive, selfish, and thinking everything's about me (maybe it's a man thing )

[cinemanymph]

(((((((()))))) back honeypot!
Dave, have you met my H? You seem to have him down to a tee.
Thanks all for the support.
Maybe the whole martyr thing doesn't fit me too well, but

[cinemanymph]

OOps! but, I really don't know how else to handle it. H won't consider C because it's my problem.

[honeypot]

Let's leave your H out of this for the moment.

What do YOU want?

Do you want a pleasant sex life? And if so, what does that entail...more counseling? Joint marital counseling? Any ideas?

The only other suggestion I have is to ditch the martyr stuff..it doesn't suit you.

Honey

[mandksdad]

Regarding CN's post-coital depression: I know where she is coming from. Many times, whether it's ML or MB, I find myself focussing on the event, and putting all my energy into it. Perhaps I'd been thinking about it for hours or days beforehand. Then the monent comes, and that thing which was occupying my mind, that hot anticipation comes to a screeching halt. All other obligations come flooding back in. I often feel a good deal of anxiety. I know that in the past I have been less than willing to hug and hold my wife after ML, and I regret that now.
I came here because my W and I have had pretty much no LM for 4 years. I'm probably not very HD, but I'm frustrated with the currently ND situation.
Paul