The thing I love about you is that you are always willing to try something that you think might work. You don't waste a lot of time feeling sorry for yourself, you just move on to trying the next thing that you think might work. I admire that in you.
I forget who it is that wants to marry you, but I might be next in line
Hi all, I've just got back to post, it's been so busy this weekend that I didnt even get online. This has been a weird weekend, and I can use some help sorting out/thinking through and deciding if I should do anything different.....
H and I were so Busy this weekend doing catch-up chores that we are both worn out, and had no time for "togetherness"....didnt even get in a movie.....I hate that, it just leaves me feeling empty...I miss our time together . Plus S had a friend stay overnight and that further complicates life!!!
I've been a little more reserved in my "pursuing", and not initiating, but "suggesting"....still being pleasant and noticing H, expressing appreciation for things he does and his "attibutes"....hugs and smooches, etc.... Friday night, H initiated ML, but wasnt as "up for it" as he is sometimes. A good time was had by both, however....afterwords I commented about it being nice, and H said "well, you said you wanted me so I thought I would try to accomodate" ....is said something about not wanting to pressure him for sex, and he said "it was my idea"...and I kind of chuckled and said "oh, yeah, I guess I don't have to worry when it's your idea"....and he agreed.
Saturday, H went to "work"? and I stayed home, because S had friend over and I was cleaning out the pantry....a hideous job, that I swear gave me post traumatic stress because a mouse got in there and made a nest. I threw out a large garbage can of food, cleaned and disinfected everything, recaulked where the crtter might have come in, and while everything was out redesigned the interior to have vertical pull out bins, which I've always wanted, figured out how to make them, bought the stuff and have gotten 2 made (one to go) and some of the stuff put away and organized....but what an awful job....It's still not done, but I'm proud of myself for tackling it....and getting as far as I have....
anyway, H gets home from "work" and I'm working in the kitchen....looks and acts sad....gets a beer from the fridge, sits down at the table, and starts to talk....H talks about that if we put extra clothes, etc, in D's room that we cant very well use it for a guest room (he's been thinking about this, obviously" but that if we get the basement finished he guessed we could make a guest room there....how we need to finish sorting and "dejunking" the basement and garage, and how he would like to build a detached gargage/workshop.....this all sounds like some movement towards reconnection to me.....he cant be planning to leave when he's thinking about all this stuff on his own......then it really got weird, as H somehow directs the conversation to my old boyfriends, (weird, why would he do this? we've been married for 25 years?) says the old bf who was at D's wedding would leave his wife in a minute for me, he's sure of it????????????I told him I didnt see that, H said it was one of those things you can't see unless you're on the outside of the sitch....then he commented about my other old BF being thatn one's supervisor....and why hadnt I married that guy? why hadnt I married the one who was at D's wedding? H said he was just Mr. Rebound, because I took up with him after my fiance and I had broken up....told him that he wasnt, that I didn't need a rebound, I could have had the other guy back if I'd wanted him (true) and that I knew I loved H the first time we went out....I told H about having looked xfiance in the eye and being able to tell him "no" when he asked if I still loved him several months after we broke up....H got kind of a surprised look on his face....I don't think he said much....but H talked about this guy having brought a vacum cleaner to our house after we were married ( I have no memory what so ever of this) and about him coming to our house one time when H was gone, I was pregnant w/our D....a girlfriend who was also pregnant had driven 50 miles in the dead of winter with her two young boys across deserted country roads against the insistance of her H to come see me....My ex was her H's supervisor at the time and was working in the area, I'm sure my friends H told him and asked him to keep an eye out....well, she went to leave and her car wouldnt start, and here comes X to start her car....he had to have been watching....nothing went on, just said "hi, how are you" and he left..... But is this weird or what? WHY so much focus now, all at once, on H's part about guys I havent had contact with for 25 years or longer????????????I just told H that I'd always loved HIM and that I had not needed a Mr. Rebound......weird weird weird weird weird......It's almost as if he's trying to reassure him self in some way, but what about????at one point H even had a tear running down his cheek....he sat and drank about 3 beers then went and watched a little tv, never did mow the lawn. I went and watched a little with him, then we went to bed and passed out from tiredness....
yesterday, I kept working on the pantry, H tried finish mowing, and I swear the devil is out to get him/us even in this kind of stuff.....the wheel fell off of H's push mower....and his trimmer absolutely refused to start...both had been fine a week ago. Plus, Friday the wheel fell off of H's riding garden tractor.....how strange is that? Especially considering that one of H's big complaints is that our lives are too complicated and our place is too high maintenance.....anyway, we were going to grill out, I told H I would just cook inside and he should just come in and relax since everything had been so frustrating and topsy turvey....H seemed grateful and did just that......
This afternoon H has a job interview for that 1st resume he sent out....he would have to drive through "her" little town on his way to work, and I have no guarantee she wouldnt follow him there...although what H would like is for them to open an office here and hire him to administer it....which is not outside of the realm of possiblity, because they used to have an office here but " couldnt find the right people" to sustain it....H will have to go through her town to go to the interview, for all I know they will have a tryst opportunity before or after...she may be off work today waiting for him.... H did tell me just before vacation that getting away from OW was a major reason he was wanting to look for another job...I havent heard much for the last 10 days about out-of state-jobs, and now he talks about things we "need to do" or he "wants to do" to our home...I don't know what to think....
I know too much pursuing would be really bad, but I'm thinking I'm going to keep doing some little things, maybe a few cards, candy, etc....When they broke up and H told me it was all over 6 weeks ago, he told me the love notes and cards helped, and that he liked e-mails....so my thought is that I should "act as-if" they were through and keep doing some of what h said he liked/helped. I will watch closely and back right off.... I've ignored his "antics", which I expect are related to OW, and not said a word about any of it for at least a week...I plan to keep doing that.
I am focused on trying to notice things he does and express appreciation for them every day, and to mention little things about him that I like/admire....I plan to keep doing this, as he does seem to respond positively....now he will pull me close and give me nice tender kisses in the kitchen, etc....didn't use to do that...so I think that's a baby step....
Does some of this sound like "reconnection" to you all?
What on earth is with the old (and I do mean old!) boyfriend stuff?
I am still not afraid of him leaving, so maybe that is permanent....although I still cant imagine how I would manage financially.....
I lurked on Bnb and Pamila's threads this morning, will try to post to you gals a little later. I swear you sound like you are living in my skin...you poor things, LOL!
This weekend h made the comment that he "hated feeling stuck" in reference to his current job, but I've come to see that many of his references have more than one point. On vacation I told him that I loved him enough to let him go, so maybe that is a good thing.....
Quote: But is this weird or what? WHY so much focus now, all at once, on H's part about guys I havent had contact with for 25 years or longer????????????
Deb - I can definitely relate to this scene. What I think happens is, they start to come back home, turn towards us, and all of a sudden it dawns on them - "Gee, if I was capable of cheating on my wife - maybe she could someday cheat on me?????? Oh No!!!".
I can honestly say I NEVER gave my H any reason to doubt my fidelity - I never even looked at other guys during our M - but I'll always remember this one day, after he had come back to me. We were riding in the car, and my cell phone rang. I was driving, so H answered it, and of course it was our kids. After he finished the call, he was still fiddling with my phone. I asked him what he was doing - well, he was checking my incoming phone numbers, and started quizzing me about some unfamiliar numbers!!! Of course I couldn't identify them - because they were things like the mechanics calling to tell me my car was done, or the plumber returning my call!!!!! I practically burst out laughing in his face! It seems to be a common occurence, though, and usually when they are starting to turn home. I think you handled it perfectly.
Act As If. Be fun to be with. Try new things and get someone else to do those chores for a while - plan a fun weekend AWAY!!
Thanks Ellie, it helps to know someone else has seen this. It just caught me so off guard. I have NEVER given him ANY reason to think I would cheat on him....Never looked at anyone else....although I did tell him recently, cant remember where we were, that he was the best looking guy there and that I knew because I'd checked them all out....but he had to know that was nothing serious.
If I wanted to be with one of those other guys I could be, and H has to know that, so it has to be obvious that he is the one I want to be with, at least I would think so....I am still just amazed that it would even come up.
It is so good to know someone else has some experience with this...and boy I hope it is when they are starting to come back. I just can't believe that he would talk about all the things he wants to do "at home" and be planning to leave, and he KNOWS that I have no intention of living the rest of my life with him seeing OW, so.....
whoa, I just finished reading the first page of HB's "Sermons and Lessons" thread, and my brain is tired!!!! so much there to absorb
I wonder how H's job interview is going? I got an email from him about 10:30, and responded telling him I hoped it went well and that his day went well, and that I was looking forward to spending time w/him....signed it ILY and w/XO's.... got a reply that said "thanks for the send off! See you to night with the news"....I choose to take that as a good response....although I've had similar ones when he's been in tight w/Ow...
this morning he came by my office to get S to take him to SIL's house...and was rushed and short and "grumpy", said I really gotta hurry....I got the impression that he was trying to avoid something/someone, maybe seeing OW when he was in suit and tie, or maybe when he had S with him????? who knows, and it's proably not worth considering....I am always curious about what sparks his weird behaviors, though.
Quote: this morning he came by my office to get S to take him to SIL's house...and was rushed and short and "grumpy", said I really gotta hurry....I got the impression that he was trying to avoid something/someone, maybe seeing OW when he was in suit and tie, or maybe when he had S with him????? who knows, and it's proably not worth considering....I am always curious about what sparks his weird behaviors, though.
Be careful about ASSumptions, okay? You've all heard by now my story about the day I thought my H was mad at me, turned out he just had an itchy rash on his butt (hence the famous "Itchy Butt Theorem" - sometimes their bad mood has NOTHING to do with the sitch at all!).
Pam 
. Plus S had a friend stay overnight and that further complicates life!!!
....is said something about not wanting to pressure him for sex, and he said "it was my idea"...and I kind of chuckled and said "oh, yeah, I guess I don't have to worry when it's your idea"....and he agreed.