Quote: I'm starting to wonder if part of the key to resolving this whole mess the way I want to is going to hinge on just ducking my head, gritting my teeth, and waiting it out...calmly and patiently. I am thinking I'm seeing here on the board that many of the folks who "make it" just put on blinders, grow a very thick skin, and keep on trudging forward, slowly, but never throwing in the towel
I guess you COULD look at it that way...but I prefer to look at it like "I know what's going on (I DID NOT have blinders on), but choose to stick it out until I feel stronger and can make a decision without being in such an emotional state." (Whis was MOST of the time!) I'll tell you...When I relaxed with myself (stopped thinking that I had to DO SOMETHING about this whole situation right now ) AND relaxed with my H, that's when I "began" to start seeing changes. They were very small at first .. just little glimpses here and there, but after a while ... when MY changes stuck, H's changes became more noticeable. I think that your H is on the "edge" of the beginning of those changes. He is caught (like MOST are) between two worlds. Let him "go" to work it out within himself. Don't pressure him for ANYTHING! Just work on yourself. You CAN do this!
Hi TC...I used to walk a lot...and I need to get back to it....I have been doing the "walk off pounds" videos since about the 1st of the year, and they have helped...I worked up to the 3mile tape...and just got a new set for abs, but so far I can only do the one mile of that one....I like to walk outside, but it's so hot miserable and mosquito infested here right now, the tapes are almost preferable....I think the worrying helped me to lose wt also, along with trying a lower-carb diet....I just want to get more off and get firmed up. Of course, I want everything ....not NOW, but 2 months ago!!!!!LOL
You are right again, TC....I do know exactly what's going on, so I don't have blinders on....and I'm choosing to handle it as I am right now....I've even told H those exact words in my more frustrated momements..... the relaxing part is right, I'm sure....I find it so hard, though, I think I probably come from a long line of folks who are worriers (undiagnosed anxiety disorder!) and it is real work for me to "let go and let god", and being the "fixer" that I am, "getting out of the way" is just as hard. But I think you're right, I've been mulling this over along with the post from Honeypot earlier, and I think in part that is what H responds to, that when I'm more focused on what's good/fun, whether it's sex or just relaxing together or writing little cards and notes, I'm more relaxed because I'm focused on something more positive, and I'm having more fun.....so that has to be obvious....I think in turn H relaxes some and responds better....I think he has a huge amount of guilt to work through, and his being "uptight" feeds that, and vice versa. I hate to say it, but I'd bet he feels as much guilt to OW as to me. Maybe not, I don't know, I just know he's struggling with a lot.
So, yeah, I need to really work on incorporating a new mantra into my mind: "let go, let god, relax, I don't have to do it NOW"
I'd been thinking about Red Hot Momma needing to come back to the surface since I read Honeypot's post this afternoon...just got back from picking up S and running him home....H was already home, about an hour earlier than I expected....he looked kind of like he didn't know what to expect (maybe that's good?) I went to him, put my arms around him, and pulled him up close, put my head on his shoulder and then against his cheek and just "snuggled"...told him I'd been thinking of this all day, and wanting to feel his arms around me, and missing him.....and he.....put his arms around me, slid them down my back, pulled me close and held me for a few minutes....and he didnt seem at all resistant to doing it ....although he kept saying things like "unh-uh" and "no sir" when I told him I'd been thinking of it all day, etc....I told him I wanted to snuggle him more and wished I didn't have to come back to work, and he mentioned that he was very tired since he's gotten up at 4 am (yeah, so quit the damn phone calls already!)....don't know what he was thinking?????? I told him it was ok I was beat too, but just holding him would be so nice...then he asked me what time I would get home....I always think that has to do with his damn phone calls...maybe it does, but then again maybe it doesnt....
All I know is that Red Hot Momma does LOVE being in his arms........THE best place in the world........ and as a rule, he seems happy to have her there.
Let's hope so!!!!! It's way past time to get that bulb turned up on high! I was thinking as I posted though, how "right" and "great" it feels to be in his arms like that.....that is the way things are supposed to be. I hope he feels it too, but I think he must.....as I said, he didn't seem to object at all!!!! Frankly, those are the kinds of hugs and snuggles and kisses we had many many years ago when we were dating. Obviously it worked then, and it seems to work now.....
I guess I have to admit though, he does complain occasionally about these kinds of hugs (hmmmm, when we were dating we used to call them "holdeds"...don't know why)--says they get him distracted and he can't remember what he's doing and doesnt get anything done. I'm thinking that's a good thing as long as it's not tooooooo much!
Your H and mine are definitely alike, in personlities. So, I can relate when you say you need to pursue him. I agree with you with Hs who have issues with pride, they like to be pursued. My H has never been pursued before, he pursued me and he pursued OW so no one really ever pursued him.
Come to think of it, I imagine H as someone whom I have a major crush on. How do I flirt with him? How do I get him to notice me? To fall in love with me? I tried to imagine way back when H pursued me 9 years ago. I just broke off with my exBF then, I was a basket case, I didnt want to do anything with men. Then H came into the picture and pursued. I didnt respond for at least one half years until one day I melted and amazed at his patience pursuing me.
So maybe the trick is to travel back to your early days and put yourself in the position of someone you want to pursue. There is a website on love tactics which teaches how to wint the one you want but you have to buy the system. Try this www.lovetactics.com. I found it a bit informative.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Just remember, if you "pursue" and you get a negative response (regularly) you will definitely want to pull back. It does not matter what your H was like "before" all of his "craziness". As much as you might be "sure" that he needs/wants your attentions, it is just the opposite.
The "Pride" that BnB spoke of really is a common denominator among MOST men. Sure, most ALL men like to be pursued. (THAT is a very big "ego stroker"!) You just need to really know how to read the signals they are giving out at THIS totally crazy time in their lives. Most times , if they are in another R, "pursuing" just makes them feel guilty (and ALL kinds of other feelings) that they don't/can't deal with.
I have found that when I "pulled back" that I was able to "stroke" that ego by making sure I said something positive about his work or anything he did for the kids or around the house every day. That NEVER got a negative response. He just kind of looked at me and didn't say anything ... at first! Later I learned that he WAS listening, 'cause I heard him say something to a good friend of his, how I liked it when he did "such and such" ... you could tell that he was proud of what he did. This was a "safe" way to make sure my H knew I was thinking very positively of him and giving him his "strokes". Again, the "key" is knowing how to read the signals your H is giving off ...
