I am so right there I am literally breathing your air.
I won't take up space on your thread venting my toxic fumes, I'll post on my own thread.
I woke up today just feeling a heaviness on my heart which in the past has meant that H and OW are in thick.
I sent H an e-mail becuz I didn't even feel like talking to him.
Today dbing feels like a big game I have to play and I aint sure if H is such a prize. I am supposed to be the prize, but I sure don't feel like no prize. This game s**** and I am just plain weary of playing it.
sorry I am not much comfort, just another weary dbing soldier
Hey Deb, You know, something that you wrote struck me and I wonder if it is having an impact. H seemed to really be coming around when you were giving him notes and emails and stuff. You say you have dropped off a little bit..does that have anything to do with the conversation you had with him in which he said it was over with OW?
Meaning, you had that conversation and you started to relax a little bit and H assumed that meant that you only did those things to "lure" him back home?
I was thinking that a lot of times when it seems that one person has completely changed, it is usually a combination of one person pulls back a little, the other reciprocates, the first person then pulls WAY back and the other reciprocates. Etc. A very bad cycle to get in.
I think the thing that was drawing him so irresistably to you was the fact that the feelings he had with you were SO MUCH better than the feelings he had with OW. You were happy, bubbly, planning dates, seducing him, loving him unconditionally, and being a safe place to fall.
Personally, I think that you saying that you are feeling insecure is totally legitimate and that is the very least he should expect but, hey, I'm not your husband. (although not for lack of trying.) When you ask that, he feels guilty and shamed (one thing you have told us about your H is how important his sense of pride in himself is) and BAM, all of a sudden the feelings he gets with OW 'feel' better to him. Even though she is a shrieking nutcase--by his description. She is shrieking on BEHALF of him; is on his side.
So what I am asking you is whether you think that there are things that you are doing differently that you could start doing again. They were clearly working like magic! Focusing on him (and especially him with her) will get ya nowhere. I think that one of the things that felt so good about being the Red Hot Mamma was that it empowered you and gave you a sense of control over the situation. If you lose touch with the Mamma, you may start to feel defeated.
Plus, it would be easy to think that (after his revelation) that the hard part was over and you could relax and get back to life with H. Maybe this is when the Mamma really needs to kick it in gear??
I don't know, I am just throwing out some suggestions here that focus on YOU and what you can do, cause I can hear your helplessness all the thru the bb and I hate it!
So ask yourself tonight, when H gets home, What Would the RH Mamma do?
Hey Pam, I hear you soldier!!!!this crap gets so wearing, doesnt it? I understant the heaviness in your heart, also....that's hard to explain, but I pretty much get the same thing when "it's" on again....intuition? I don't know....right now it's kind of at a "mid" weight.....
Hi Honeypot....you have given me some really good food for thought here, and maybe hit on something.....I was just reading on Lyreals new thread about LL's, and thinking that I'm sure that one of my H's top ones, if not the top, is Words of afirmation/affection.....I believe he has a deep seated need for this, and never got much acceptance/unconditional love from his parents as a child, thus this deep seated need that leaves him so vulnerable....I havent done as much when I sensed he was back in contact w/OW, because I didn't want to be pursuing.....but I think he needs some pursuing....I think he will always need some pursueing, even though he usually rejects my words of affirmation/admiration...so what would red hot momma do? she'd probably be giving him lots of little cards and things....coming on to him, even if he rejects it.....lots of hugs, jokes, smiles, not taking things too seriously....just kind of "going with the flow" and taking advantage of every opportunity to let him know how great he is....even if he rejects it..... hmmmmmm......I don't know, backing off maybe isnt working.
what red hot momma would do was "take a shot" at whatever, and then back off at the moment if he said "no".....but then come back quickly.....and he actually said one time in the last couple of months that "I know you love me no matter what"....this was during one of their "out" spells....so maybe that's what I need to try again....
It is kind of a vicious cycle, he pulls back some from me, towards her I think, I pull back from him, he seems to pull back further, and so on and so on.....
One of the few things I do know for certain in this whole mess is that he felt distant and shut off/out in the past....hmmmmm.....so maybe mamma does need to start turning the heat up again.
As I was reading that, I thought to myself "I should be doing these things too..after all, I am the one complaining about lack of sex. Why am I not bouncing back so quickly?!"
Just wanted you to know that you are an inspiration to me (and others I betcha) and I am hereby giving MYSELF the Mamma Challenge.
This will be SO HARD to do but how can I give you advice that I wouldn't take myself?
Hi Honeypot! you always cheer me up, frankly. I've been thinking since you posted, that it was kind of weird, but when I was "hotter" a while back, I was in a better mood because I was having fun.....although it became obvious that I had to find a balance, because H actually told me things like "I like sex but not 24/7" and "you're making something that should be wonderful and fun into another chore " which was certainly not good to hear, BUT on the other hand, I know when I first started dbing H thought it was all a come on to get him back, etc....that the interest in sex was just an act....and that I didn't really want him, I just didn't want a D. I honestly don't think he believes those things anymore...
Frankly, there have been times when I was frustrated and disappointed from H's lack of response, but that helped me understand how frustrated he must have been sometimes over the years.....
ummmmmmm.....maybe my frame of mind is improving, because just thinking about it is making red hot momma peek her head out again, making me want to go home and get naked and just snuggle up in his strong warm arms and be happy. he really is a sexy guy. maybe on some level he senses that and that's what he was responding to? I don't know.....sigh.....hope he's in the mood for just snuggling at least.
Hi Deb, Yes, the weight loss was a side affect of my "worrying". Some people eat more when they are worried or depressed. I ate (usually) once a day. I didn't have an appetite at all. I also always tried to make exercise a priority in my daily schedule. Our driveway is almost a half mile long. So early in the morning I would walk the driveway up and back and in the evening I would walk around the neighborhood...anywhere from 2-4 miles. Making sure that I got that exercise really helped my stress levels. I did an awful lot of praying and ALSO chanting to myself what you were talking of just yesterday..."Let Go And Let God!" during my walking times. The good thing is that I have been able to keep that weight off. I just continue to watch how often I eat and try to exercise at least three times a week.
Walking is GREAT exercise! Maybe you could alternate between doing that and "taking off on your mini-ramblings" while your H is gone at "work" or running his "errands"?
I'm kind of going in circles here, trying to figure out what to do next. It has also occured to me that maybe I over reacted to H's "coming back" a month ago...I was so ecstatic I could have danced across rooftops. Maybe that scared him back into his MLC tunnel? I don't know.....I do know it seems like every break up they have is "bigger"....
What do you all think about if he takes a different job but has to drive through her little town? i don't know ....
" which was certainly not good to hear, BUT on the other hand, I know when I first started dbing H thought it was all a come on to get him back, etc....that the interest in sex was just an act....and that I didn't really want him, I just didn't want a D. I honestly don't think he believes those things anymore...