I remember when we had the "blow up" on vacation and H said "you HAD this won, now I don't know"...
Don't let him get to you on this. HE is the one who fooled around on you, you have done nothing wrong.
I agree about not initiating any intimacy. Get a toy if you need to - I know it's not the same, but it will get the job done. Your H might even get turned on by that.
You can't trust your H completely right now and he has no right to expect that you will. He has to EARN your trust.
I also find it interesting...he goes out for a few hours, but when you've done the same, hasn't he gotten upset?
My BF seems to understand now why I don't fully trust him. I try, but he really betrayed my trust before. I think he gets that now, though he didn't understand it last year. I think it takes time and perspective to finally "get it". I was married for about 15 years, and after a year of counseling, my H and I separated and I eventually started seeing BF. I was wrong in doing so before divorced, I behaved badly and it took the break-up with BF early last year to finally get my head straight on that. I didn't know BF before I was separated, but it really hurt my H.
That is why I'm so against dating at all when only separated. But it did take me being free emotionally to finally REALLY break down and mourn the end of my M, and to write to my ex-H and apologize in a huge way for the part I played in it. If you move and are away from OW, he hopefully will have a new perspective.
Quote: I'm never sure how much to tell h....what do you think ( or any one else) do I say "I'm going such and such at such and such a time" or do I just leave if he's not home? do I say where I went or just not bring it up unless h does?
If you're intent on leaving that note, then just make it brief. S and I went to the store, library, friends ... whatever. We will be back "shortly". That about covers it, don't you think? Having your S with you COULD really be to your advantage. Especially if you are "out" while your H is out and he has no idea you have been gone. I know my kids (when they were younger) always talked too much. So more than likely your S will end up talking about all of your "mini-road trips". It ALL helps ... whether you feel that there is "mystery" in it or not! I remember my H asking me time and time again about me going to church every Sunday. (I DID ask him to join me, but he wouldn't!) He still asked who I was meeting there. (???) If getting "out and about" is different or a 180 for you...then go for it. If nothing else, it at least makes it look like you are not sitting at home waiting for him. ...AND that you are quite possibly out having a good time ...
Questions, questions, questions! So should I apologize for being so clingy this morning, or just let it go??????
I'm kind of leaning towards just letting it go so as not to draw anymore attention to it....
Do you all think, besides not initiating anything right now, that I shouldnt be doing expressions of affection (cards, etc)? I havent done much since before vacation, although I did stick a scratch paper note in his lunch monday that said "ILY, thinking of you, hope you have a good day"....that's the 1st I've done since before vacation.....I hadnt done anything for quite sometime then, and then kind of started back up when he came home and gave me the line about it being all over and I was an incredible person, and thanks for never giving up, and I was the one he loved, he'd come to realize, and he couldnt imagine his life without me, we could have another 25 good years together, and blah blah blah blah.....kissed my hand, cried, held me for hours, told me he loved the love notes and emails, and please keep them on. Put on his wedding ring, told me no more phone calls, no more nothing with her....most of that lasted all of a week, except he still wears his ring, and the week of vacation alone was great other than his 3-hour going out.
Dang, now that I think about it, no wonder this mess makes me so nuts. I could kick his behind and strangle him. How can he change like this?????? I still don't think he was making all that up...... Has any one else see these huge back and forth swings? What do they mean and how long do they last?
TC, I would love to hear more about your H's "turn around" when you have time.....and if it's not too painful....
another question.....I'm starting to wonder if part of the key to resolving this whole mess the way I want to is going to hinge on just ducking my head, gritting my teeth, and waiting it out...calmly and patiently. I am thinking I'm seeing here on the board that many of the folks who "make it" just put on blinders, grow a very thick skin, and keep on trudging forward, slowly, but never throwing in the towel. Is that accurate, or just my wishful thinking?
I swear it seems like forever that this has been going on, but I can't look forward and see that it will be this way in a year, given the changes that have taken place so far in our M and OW's increasing (based on what H said a month ago) demands and impatience.......
Your H might even get turned on by that.