Hi Deb, Yes this really IS hard!! ... ALL of it! But you ARE "growing" from all of this. You may not feel like it at the moment, but I guarantee that when you look back at this time a year from now, you WILL realize just how much you have grown and what a strong person you have become.
I think it took a year for the "light bulb" to click on in my head. It really isn't just about listening to all of the great advice that you get from this BB or from the counselor's, friends or associates. Its about YOU getting to the point of "realizing" exactly what you think you want to do about it and then going for it. It took me a long time to get "there". I think one of the hardest things for me to do was not be so hard on myself. I believe that I put terrible pressure on myself in that I felt like I HAD to "do something" about this situation NOW! Who said so???!! When I finally told myself that I was going to "give" my current situation a year, it did a lot for me AND the situation!
I know HB advised me to go dim, but I'm thinking that I did not accomplish the "dim" definition that she was referring to. I DID accomplish going dim (if that's what you want to call it) in the area of dropping ALL talk of H's problems/OW's. I lost more weight , did a lot of shopping with a close girlfriend and totally changed my style of dress, changed my hairstyle and most importantly began appearing like I was happy/having a good gime MOST of the time. Remember during this time my H and I began riding his new Harley and had a great time AND H begin seeing the "new" very fun side of me. I began learning about new places/things. I would totally surprise H with my new found "knowledge" about these different things/and or places. He would come out and say "Hey! How did YOU know that?" and appeared to be somewhat impressed. What was happening here is that I was really "expanding" my circle of friends and in the process of this, I was learning new things, seeing MANY things in a new perspective. I find that with every new person I meet, I expand my horizons (perceptions) in life. I also began socializing without H. I ALWAYS gave him the option of coming along with me and there were times when he didn't want to or was too tired. I know I shocked him several times when I decided that I would go anyway...even if he didn't go with me. (I would NEVER EVER do this before!) This was good for ME AND good for the situation!
In reference to "dropping all talk of OW/H's problems" .. this was very important! We had discussed and argued about these "hot topics" thousands of times without getting anywhere. After all of MY input into these "discussions" he MUST know .. he DID know how I felt about it all. There is no way he couldn't! So I decided that there was no more to be said about it. If it was brought up, all it did was "rehash" and it accomplished absolutely nothing.
I'm sure my H was enjoying "having his cake and eating it too." As absolutely horrible as that sounds, I STILL decided to give myself and the situation a year. That kept that pressure off of me. So while H was enjoying his "made in heaven" current situation, I was changing before his eyes. (Most changes mentioned earlier in this post.) I know I already brought up (a couple of times) about me not being there when he got home from "who knows where". This was again totally NOT TC ... and although he did not mention anything about my "absences" right away, he DID begin asking where I was, etc.... There was ONE time that he actually wondered out loud .. kind of laughingly, who I was "seeing"!
The "year" deadline that I had set has come and gone. That deadling was for after my D's graduation just this last June. My situation has improved so much, I just can't believe it! My H has become very attentive, very loving and actually a little bit "worried"! H sees all my great changes and can't figure out why I am still with him. (He HAS come right out and said that!) He is constantly saying things like he doesn't deserve me, etc.. It's definitely not all words either. I really ... REALLY see his changes within him. He is actually "living" it every day.
Everything that I have posted here on my "changes" etc... I moved very s-l-o-w-l-y on. For my sake as much as for "testing the waters" sake. You know YOUR H better than anyone. Find what works for YOU and your situation. When you try something ( remember...slowly/gradually!) and if it gets an absolutely awful response or result, scratch it. But!... when you get a "no" response... like I did on MOST things I tried in the beginning, continue to proceed cautiously .
All of what I have posted here is really trying to put everything into a "nutshell", which is pretty impossible to do in situations such as this. I'm hoping that it helps you in some way! I "look" you up every day, so I can/will post more if you would like.
You ARE doing great Deb! Stay strong and keep on keeping on!
Hi Pamila, I did try to post my thread "site" here on Deb's thread, but it didn't work. If you click on my BB "name" totallyconfused, it will take you to my "home" (?) site. Not exactly sure WHAT that is called. At the bottom of the page that the "clicking on of my name" takes you to, you will see an area that you can click on ..that says something like see all of THIS users posts. When you click on that you should see all of my threads AND where I have posted. My most recent thread was called "Friendship Saga Continues..." I haven't posted to that thread since May 2003. I think I had another thread before that too.
I hope I didn't confuse you too much...on how to get to my thread!
Pamila, Just an FYI. After going back and reading ..just the end of my thread from last year, I want you to know that there were more "ranting and raving" and "journaling" type posts going on in that thread than anything else. I DID get a lot of good advice from Hearts Blessing and others. HB was/IS awesome! Once you get to MY thread, you can click on her name to read through her threads. Just needed to let you know that you probably won't get too many "answers" from my thread .. at least not from MY posts anyway...
TC, thanks for your "in a nutshell" recap, it is very helpful to me.....I would love anything you wish to post....it's so helpful to have others share their experiences and glean ideas from them......
just recapping my own sitch over the last 24 hours here....One of my goals is to, as you did, TC, drop all mention of H's OW/sitch/problems and just get one with my life while trying to make things at home better all the time. I've done pretty well with this, for the most part....the last "episode" was the Tuesday while we were on vacation and it just all crashed in on me as we were in the same cabing where he'd been w/"her".....since then I think I've probably said 1 time that "I'm feeling insecure" and H has given me a hug and said don't.......Actually, one other time, while we were on vacation at home and H went to get gas and a haircut and was gone for 3 hours, I got tearful and told him I felt insecure because i started to think he was with someone.....he was reassuring then.... Well, I almost/kind of backslid at little this morning....H is gone today for the marital therapy workshop he talked about 6 weeks ago, supposedly w/male co-worker...this co-worker lives in the same town as OW...10 miles from us, and H was going there to meet co-worker....last night H mentioned he had gotten a map to this co-workers house from him....now this kind of hit me hard, as H supposedly helped this co-worker move around x-mas time last year, came back early from our visit to my parents to do it....at the time I was anxious about it, but didn't say a word. So last night, my first thought was, "If you helped him move in December, why do you need a map to his house in that tiny town now?".....I still have trouble with the answer to that one! but I didnt say a word, didnt even raise an eyebrow, just acted "as if" nothing was out of the ordinary. This morning as H was getting ready to leave at 6 am (he got up at 4:30 to have time to call OW), I hugged him, and frankly tears started to roll down my cheeks and I said "I feel real insecure"....H got very angry, said I should check at work because he was going w/Eric (co-worker)....I told him I wouldnt be checking, and he said "I want you to"...He seemed quite angry, I don't know why that would make him angry.....I said I was sorry to have upset him, and "please don't be angry"....he did reply "I'm not" in a gentler, calmer voice. I don't know why he gets so angry....I do know anger is a secondary emotion that "covers" true emotions like fear, hurt, frustration, etc., (can't remember if there are 4 or 5)....so probably the answer lies there in....hmmm, is guilt one of them? not sure........ but obviously, that seems to be a cheeseless tunnel
I am having a hard time today, I'm kind of weepy any way because it's "that time of month" ( I know that sounds sexist, but I still have trouble sometimes)....and yesterday I went home sick after lunch with a terrible upset stomach, I thought it was something I ate, but by evening I ached all over and had a temp, so I don't know....H complained of the same thing earlier in the week, so maybe we've shared a bug....spent the whole afternoon, evening and night in bed....not for fun, either.
so, all I can see to do right now is to keep on trying to make things good/fun between us and at home, to avoid mention of his escapades/OW, and to focus more on getting a life of my own.
Maybe I need to give myself a break today while I'm still not feeling 100%......
It's interesting to note though, I'm still not afraid about H leaving....I hope that's gone for good.
For what it's worth, OW is here at work today, so H was being truthful this time, maybe that's why he got so angry, out of the frustration..... thank god she's here. It's just that he's told such huge lies so many times, when I trusted him so completely.....that is a very big hurdle to get over, especially when I know he hasnt ended it........
I remember when we had the "blow up" on vacation and H said "you HAD this won, now I don't know".....I keep hoping it still isnt back to square one..... Even though I'm not afraid, and I do feel like I will be ok, I still want H and our M..........
H has a job interview monday.....I think he would have a good shot at it if it's something he wants.....he would have to drive through the little town where OW lives to get to work....don't know how good or bad that would be....MIL thinks it would be really bad.... I want to think that the chance for him to get away from working in the same place as her would outweigh the negatives.....of course for all I know, the b---h will follow him there, it's about the same distance drive and as a nurse I'm sure she could find a position......
Hi Deb, I have to make this short as I am at work. Perhaps you need to NOT tell H anything about how you are feeling about insecurities, etc..? This goes right along with not talking about his problems/OW. 'Cause if you "say" you are feeling insecure, it brings it ALL up again. Call a girlfriend and/or use this BB to vent your insecurities and anger about all of this. That is what I did ... and it does work! (At least it worked for me.) And then "turn around" and keep that smile plastered on your face for your H ! ...Well for the most part at least!
I am also wondering if this might be a time that you need to "pull back" and not be so "forward" with your H? If he doesn't initiate intimacy, etc.. stay away from it. Depending on what he really is feeling right now, he probably just feels "pressure" from any kind of "advances" he perceives you are making on him. Just my perception. Again you know your H best ....
By the way... during that time when your H ended up being gone for three hours..I think that maybe after one hour of setting at home by myself... I would have been out the door, doing my own thing. I would have made sure that I returned AFTER he got home!
Hi TC....thanks, I believe you are absolutely right.....I do need to just back way off for a while, with saying I feel insecure...yup, that just brings it all up....and with sex, everything but being pleasant/friendly....I need to get in the habit of being gone more when H is gone....kind of hard w S around...........
I'm never sure how much to tell h....what do you think ( or any one else) do I say "I'm going such and such at such and such a time" or do I just leave if he's not home? do I say where I went or just not bring it up unless h does? this will be somewhat of a 180....I believe it gets to H some, as one time months ago S was in the backyard and I was in the shower when H came home, and he came looking for me and made the comment that "it seemed like no one was home" and seemed kind of "lost" when he said it.....
When I finally told myself that I was going to "give" my current situation a year, it did a lot for me AND the situation! 
