just recapping my own sitch over the last 24 hours here....One of my goals is to, as you did, TC, drop all mention of H's OW/sitch/problems and just get one with my life while trying to make things at home better all the time. I've done pretty well with this, for the most part....the last "episode" was the Tuesday while we were on vacation and it just all crashed in on me as we were in the same cabing where he'd been w/"her".....since then I think I've probably said 1 time that "I'm feeling insecure" and H has given me a hug and said don't.......Actually, one other time, while we were on vacation at home and H went to get gas and a haircut and was gone for 3 hours, I got tearful and told him I felt insecure because i started to think he was with someone.....he was reassuring then.... Well, I almost/kind of backslid at little this morning....H is gone today for the marital therapy workshop he talked about 6 weeks ago, supposedly w/male co-worker...this co-worker lives in the same town as OW...10 miles from us, and H was going there to meet co-worker....last night H mentioned he had gotten a map to this co-workers house from him....now this kind of hit me hard, as H supposedly helped this co-worker move around x-mas time last year, came back early from our visit to my parents to do it....at the time I was anxious about it, but didn't say a word. So last night, my first thought was, "If you helped him move in December, why do you need a map to his house in that tiny town now?".....I still have trouble with the answer to that one! but I didnt say a word, didnt even raise an eyebrow, just acted "as if" nothing was out of the ordinary. This morning as H was getting ready to leave at 6 am (he got up at 4:30 to have time to call OW), I hugged him, and frankly tears started to roll down my cheeks and I said "I feel real insecure"....H got very angry, said I should check at work because he was going w/Eric (co-worker)....I told him I wouldnt be checking, and he said "I want you to"...He seemed quite angry, I don't know why that would make him angry.....I said I was sorry to have upset him, and "please don't be angry"....he did reply "I'm not" in a gentler, calmer voice. I don't know why he gets so angry....I do know anger is a secondary emotion that "covers" true emotions like fear, hurt, frustration, etc., (can't remember if there are 4 or 5)....so probably the answer lies there in....hmmm, is guilt one of them? not sure........ but obviously, that seems to be a cheeseless tunnel
I am having a hard time today, I'm kind of weepy any way because it's "that time of month" ( I know that sounds sexist, but I still have trouble sometimes)....and yesterday I went home sick after lunch with a terrible upset stomach, I thought it was something I ate, but by evening I ached all over and had a temp, so I don't know....H complained of the same thing earlier in the week, so maybe we've shared a bug....spent the whole afternoon, evening and night in bed....not for fun, either.
so, all I can see to do right now is to keep on trying to make things good/fun between us and at home, to avoid mention of his escapades/OW, and to focus more on getting a life of my own.
Maybe I need to give myself a break today while I'm still not feeling 100%......
It's interesting to note though, I'm still not afraid about H leaving....I hope that's gone for good.
