Hi Deb,
Yes this really IS hard!! ... ALL of it! But you ARE "growing" from all of this. You may not feel like it at the moment, but I guarantee that when you look back at this time a year from now, you WILL realize just how much you have grown and what a strong person you have become.

I think it took a year for the "light bulb" to click on in my head. It really isn't just about listening to all of the great advice that you get from this BB or from the counselor's, friends or associates. Its about YOU getting to the point of "realizing" exactly what you think you want to do about it and then going for it. It took me a long time to get "there". I think one of the hardest things for me to do was not be so hard on myself. I believe that I put terrible pressure on myself in that I felt like I HAD to "do something" about this situation NOW! Who said so???!! When I finally told myself that I was going to "give" my current situation a year, it did a lot for me AND the situation!

I know HB advised me to go dim, but I'm thinking that I did not accomplish the "dim" definition that she was referring to. I DID accomplish going dim (if that's what you want to call it) in the area of dropping ALL talk of H's problems/OW's. I lost more weight , did a lot of shopping with a close girlfriend and totally changed my style of dress, changed my hairstyle and most importantly began appearing like I was happy/having a good gime MOST of the time. Remember during this time my H and I began riding his new Harley and had a great time AND H begin seeing the "new" very fun side of me. I began learning about new places/things. I would totally surprise H with my new found "knowledge" about these different things/and or places. He would come out and say "Hey! How did YOU know that?" and appeared to be somewhat impressed. What was happening here is that I was really "expanding" my circle of friends and in the process of this, I was learning new things, seeing MANY things in a new perspective. I find that with every new person I meet, I expand my horizons (perceptions) in life. I also began socializing without H. I ALWAYS gave him the option of coming along with me and there were times when he didn't want to or was too tired. I know I shocked him several times when I decided that I would go anyway...even if he didn't go with me. (I would NEVER EVER do this before!) This was good for ME AND good for the situation!

In reference to "dropping all talk of OW/H's problems" .. this was very important! We had discussed and argued about these "hot topics" thousands of times without getting anywhere. After all of MY input into these "discussions" he MUST know .. he DID know how I felt about it all. There is no way he couldn't! So I decided that there was no more to be said about it. If it was brought up, all it did was "rehash" and it accomplished absolutely nothing.

I'm sure my H was enjoying "having his cake and eating it too." As absolutely horrible as that sounds, I STILL decided to give myself and the situation a year. That kept that pressure off of me. So while H was enjoying his "made in heaven" current situation, I was changing before his eyes. (Most changes mentioned earlier in this post.) I know I already brought up (a couple of times) about me not being there when he got home from "who knows where". This was again totally NOT TC ... and although he did not mention anything about my "absences" right away, he DID begin asking where I was, etc.... There was ONE time that he actually wondered out loud .. kind of laughingly, who I was "seeing"!

The "year" deadline that I had set has come and gone. That deadling was for after my D's graduation just this last June. My situation has improved so much, I just can't believe it! My H has become very attentive, very loving and actually a little bit "worried"! H sees all my great changes and can't figure out why I am still with him. (He HAS come right out and said that!) He is constantly saying things like he doesn't deserve me, etc.. It's definitely not all words either. I really ... REALLY see his changes within him. He is actually "living" it every day.

Everything that I have posted here on my "changes" etc... I moved very s-l-o-w-l-y on. For my sake as much as for "testing the waters" sake. You know YOUR H better than anyone. Find what works for YOU and your situation. When you try something ( remember...slowly/gradually!) and if it gets an absolutely awful response or result, scratch it. But!... when you get a "no" response... like I did on MOST things I tried in the beginning, continue to proceed cautiously .

All of what I have posted here is really trying to put everything into a "nutshell", which is pretty impossible to do in situations such as this. I'm hoping that it helps you in some way! I "look" you up every day, so I can/will post more if you would like.

You ARE doing great Deb! Stay strong and keep on keeping on!

TC