I don't have much time to post as H is only gone for a bit and I am having wacky computer problems. UGH! Anyway, I hope you are still feeling that detachment. I know it feels strange but I also hope it feels empowering! It feels weird to us because of our long-term relationships and the co-dependence that we got too comfortable with. The hardest part for me was to detach WITH love and not anger. Detaching with anger was easy but it left me feeling....well, just more anger. When I detached with love it made me feel as if I was actually making strides towards healing our marriage...and myself.
I told H something a few nights ago that maybe could be seen as bad BDing but it actually turned in my favor. He was in his "teen" years and not helping me with major things around the house. (I am talking hard physical labor...trees down, etc.) But he didn't have any problem helping his nephew at his home. I was at my boiling point. I decided to have a talk with him about it. Well, my talking went over like a ton of bricks. He became sullen and uncommunicative. I could almost hear those teen wheels turning, thinking, "I could pack my bags and be away from this nag". So I told him in a very quiet and controlled voice that I wanted him to know that the threat of him leaving me did not bother me like it used to. The air kind of crackled at that moment. HA
So I feel a little change, maybe a little shift in power? Who knows. Maybe I am just feeling my own power? Either way I am glad that I said it. I am glad that he knows.
I don't know if this helps you with your situation. I guess the message I wanted to give you boils down to this....don't be afraid. You are a wonderful woman and your husband should count his lucky stars that you are in his life. Don't be afraid to show him this through your actions.
Hi TC, I need to finish reading your thread.....you were so right in your earlier post about how hard it is to find the balance....incredibly difficult for me, but so important, I really feel like it's the "make it or break it" thing in my sitch.....PLEASE post more info about your sitch when you have time....what you've been sharing is very helpful/insightful to me....
Hi Pamila....I'm with you about the waffling being crazymaking! I'm not sure about how I would go dim, but on TC's old thread, Heart's Blessing was encouraging her to consider "going dim"....to make it clear that it was time for her H to end the A, that leaving or staying was his choice, but if he chose to stay, it had to end and she had to know it was done, and then to pretty much minimize all interaction with him...move into another bedroom, etc..... I don't know.....I'm anxious to read more how this went in her sitch....I'm thinking her post this morning may have an approach that is more appropriate in my sitch, in that she ignored his antics but not her H.....so I'm really trying to think through all this....... I gotta get over and catch up with you soon!
Hi Dawn!!!! so good to hear from you....I'm still feeling the detachment this morning, we will see if it's permanent in time, I guess. I'm not angry, I'm just done with it at the moment. In the middle of the night last night (didn't sleep well, will post later about "stuff") I was pretty riled up though, had a notion to wake H up and ask him what the hell is going on....but remembered Michelle's comment in DR about the importance of timing, LOL!!!!
It's interesting to me your comment about telling your H you were no longer afraid of him leaving you. Hmmmmmmm.....At this moment, that's where I'm at....I'm not afraid......in fact at the moment I'm so fed up with the on-going crap, I'd almost open the door for him. I hope this sticks. I'm thinking it's probably a huge step growth-wise, and I can see how it would cause an immense shift in power.
Quote: You are a wonderful woman and your husband should count his lucky stars that you are in his life. Don't be afraid to show him this through your actions.
Hmmmmmmm.....I'm dense this morning though, how would I show him this through my actions?
Thought I'd post a little about "current events".....
H is grumpy and withdrawn still, was that way when he got home from work last night, although it's after a 12 hour day....we did sit and talk at the table for an hour, which I feel is good. Something we didn't do at all a year ago.
This morning H is still grumpy and withdrawn. he was here in office building w/OW yesterday, and got up to call her today, I know, so I'm guessing it has something to do w/OW....H told me several weeks ago that he was angry at the choices he has to make now, so maybe that's it.
I gave him a hug when his alarm went off at 5:30, and went back to sleep for 1/2 hour, ignoring his shuffling off for his early morning call.... I didn't sleep last night, so am really out of it today, I know it was after 2:30 when I went to sleep....I was really aggravated thinking about all this stuff, and had a notion to wake H up and ask WTF is going on, but didnt!!!!!
Tommorrow H says he's going to the out-of town workshop on marital/couples therapy w/male coworker that he mentioned at end of May....These used to be tryst times for H and OW, so theyve been a source of real anxiety for me, H had told me he was going to it last week (What?) and I ignored it and then it's this week........so, I'm still trying to ignore it........frankly, the way I feel right now I'm not sure I give a damn what he does.
cool and distant....this morning I asked him if he wanted a hug and the jerk actually said "I don't care"....so I gave him a hug and a cheek peck and left him alone....I ususally make a point to tell him good bye, have a nice day, etc., after his "I don't care" I just left the house. I used to hear from him by email around 9 AM that he got to the out of town office, havent heard a word this morning.
I don't have a clue what this total change of direction in his demeanor could mean. If anyone has any ideas I'm sure interested in hearing them.
I'm trying to follow his lead though, and backing off when he pulls back rather than pursuing him....I'm convinced that's the way to go. I'm also trying to keep myself centered regardless of where he's at, and not let myself get shook by his string-pulling.
I need to look back through some of my threads though, I'm not sure, but I think that most times before his pulling back has preceeded a falling out/break up w/OW.....In fact I'm pretty sure it has.....
Lucky lucky me! my period started yesterday, for the first time in 2 1/2 months....I was hoping maybe I was done with the darn things, but I guess not. So, I'm sure PMS has some bearing on where I've been lately, although interestingly enough I havent been nearly as emotional as I often have been.
Lst night h had an email regarding the job he sent a resume to....they offered him two dates for an interview, evidently the person who supervises the position is a good friend of his from graduate school, which could be good or tough.....but I'm pretty sure he'd have a shot at it....I think a new job would be a help, we wouldnt have to move for this one, and H told me about a month ago that getting away from OW was a big part of why he was looking for a new position......
Oh Wow, TC, I'm reading through the rest of your thread, and am at your post about "letting go and letting god". I am amazed, so many of your posts sound as though you took the words right out of my mind! Last night when I couldnt sleep and laid in bed agonizing and being tempted to wake up H and ask him what was going on and where "we" stand, a voice in my mind kept saying over and over and over, "let go and let God and get the heck out of the way"...........well, I guess that voice won out, because I didn't wake H up and eventually went to sleep myself!
I need to have that seared into my brain: Let Go, Let God, Get the heck out of the way (and stay out of the way, I might add!)
Holy Moly, TC! you are me! your comptemplations and questions and agonizations are the exact things that run through my head. and our H's work sitch's may be different, but I swear they sound like one and the same person as well.
Still no email from H today.....I'm working hard to "go quiet" and see what happens, as HB mentioned on your thread....to paraphrase "I've said my piece", now comes the waiting and watching.
Hi Deb - NG has been grumpy too, I've just been teasing him about it, and then leave it. Heaven knows what goes through their minds - you need to distract yourself from his dramas, sweetie.
Hi deb, just checking in on you. I dont have any comforting words myself. You know im in deep s*** myself. I can relate to you when you said you are not afraid anymore if H leaves. I think I am close to that point myself. Just suddenly there is an inflow of energy where I really dont care anymore, tired of thinking what his motives are. We need to take care of ourselves. This morning I am at peace with the whole sitch, I looked up the sky and thought whatever happens, we will be fine...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
