I've been thinking about my last comment that I don't know what else to do. I have been doing something different, kind of a 180. the last 2 months or so, and its been fun for me....I've been trying to be less serious, and to be more into "fun" little things, looking for "when he least expects it" moments....I don't know if it makes much diffence, but I think it might some. I've always been such a serious person, probably too much so for anyone's good, so I've been trying to "shuck" that image somewhat....and I do catch H looking at me in surprise sometimes. I am starting to believe that a big part of this is making a concious effort to train myself to look at things differently....I think I posted earlier about the hummingbird pooping on us on vacation....there would have been a time when that would have been upsetting to me, this time I found it hilarious. some other things I should mention so I don't forget: as we were driving to our destination on vacation, we got stuck in some slow moving traffic, H hates this and always gets upset and starts to cuss and complain, usually I respond by getting tense and irritable at him. This time, we were stuck at a stop light with him grumping about it, and I just looked at him and said "well ok", unbuckled my seat belt real quick, and jumped over and gave him a big loud smack of a kiss on the cheek, and said "there".....H got this shocked and confused look on his face and said "what was that"....I just said "you got kissed at a stoplight" and chuckled. I glanced at S in the backseat as I redid my seat belt, and the kid had huge shocked eyes and said "well thats unusual!".... We were in a restaurant on vacation that is a favorite of ours, and I know H was there w/OW last fall...I kept looking at the window seats where I know they sat, and I saw H glancing that way looking sad and uncomfortable....I decided to find something fun to focus on instead. There was a teen aged bus boy with a really funky/punky hair do, with it pulled down in front of one eye almost to his chin....S made comments about how weird it was....so I said "oh, heck, you think that's weird, watch this, my hair can do that too"....and messed up the back and pulled the front down over my faced and looked at him and crossed my eyes....he started to laugh, and I turned to my H and crossed my eyes at him, H looked shocked.....of course about that time the poor busboy walks by and sees me immitating him, and looks like he doesnt know what to think.....I looked up at him from under my hair, and said "I'm sorry...looked at S and pointed....and said "my kid made me do it!"...H started to chuckle so hard he snorted, and he didnt' look as forlorn the rest of the time we were there. On the 4th of July, I usually just set on the porch and watch the activity, I decided this year I wasnt going to be an old fogey, so I went out and lit some fire works with the kids even though I'm kind of scared of them. I actually threw a firecracker under H's feet, but then I felt bad and had to warn him to move before it went off...
So, I don't know just little things, but they seem to help my out look, and I hope they help H see me in a somewhat new light, as a more "fun" and unpredictable person....of course his snickering last weekend about "hearing words like that come out of your mouth after all these years" when I commented about the "mirror for naughtiness" makes me think it might be working... I guess one good thing is that as I tune in to looking I am seeing opportunities outside of sex.....
