interesting, this unspoken "dance" between H and I....the closeness and withdrawal on his part...I am trying to stay constant, to be the "northern star", but sometimes I feel like I need a compass myself. I have no clue what's up between "them", and am staying far away from the topic.... Last night I caught up w/H in the parking lot here at work as I pulled in as he was pulling out to go home....he usually stops by my office but I was out....he saw me come in and came back to say "hi"...we talked a few minutes, and he seemed happy to see me....I asked if I could come around to his car window and give him a quick kiss and he said "sure", in a voice that sounded kind of pleased about it. I hadnt mentioned that while we were gone on vacation I gave him a quick kiss a couple of times in a parking lot and he got irritated, just plain told me "stop that I don't like it" once.....so yesterday evening in the parking lot at work was ok....go figure. I worked until 9, got home and H was still doing weights....S mentioned he didn't think H had called OW....H came upstairs waving a paper when he finished weights and said "look what I got"...it was an email from the HR dept at the place he sent his resume before we left, wanting him to contact them to set up an interview. H is not sure he's interested in the position they have open, but I encouraged him to interview just to build the contacts.....I hope it isn't too late, the email was sent June 30. I have resisted checking email for him, because I'm his wife, not his Mom, and that's one of the things he needs to do for himself....so I have my fingers crossed, its a pretty specialized position so it would probably take a while to fill...it would be split between 2 offices, on 30 miles from us, 1 50, but the one further away is in the town where we lived when we were 1st married eons ago. I hope they can offer him an attractive salary package, because that would be tempting to him and we wouldnt have to move out of state. I don't want to move, but as I said before I certainly will if that's what needs to be done....
Anyway, H seemed so much more at peace after he got that email....it's as if it gave him some hope that there is a way to get away from.....her???? I hope that's it. But he mentioned how encouraged he was that at least they expressed some interest. I had hoped to ml, but we were both tired, I snuggled up to him and evidently fell fast asleep...woke up in the middle of the night and thought "well darn, blew that"
This morning H is off and I had to come to work. H let me sleep and did chores himself, brought in coffee to me an hour later than I usually get up and woke me up...mentioned I'd seemed tired, so he'd decided to let me sleep as long as possible....I thanked him profusely for that and the coffee and mentioned what a thoughtful and loving thing it was...hope that is the kind of behavior reward that will pay off.
I told H I would be up for loving when I got home....he said how he's have to get his weights done.....I hugged him and told him "that's ok, I'm giving you a bad time, but I will be ready when you are"....frankly, it's been almost a week and that's starting to seem like a long time! But the weird thing is H seems "warmer" emotionally....can't put my finger on it, an outsider wouldnt be aware of it....it's hard to describe. I gave him a peck on the check and said "love ya, gotta run" and turned to go out the door. He said "I love you" with emphasis....not "love you too" in a mumbled way, but very clearly and specifically...again, hard to describe but it's "different"..
We are going out of town tomorrow to visit my brother....will stay overnight....so, that another weekend out of OW's grasp that he's consented to. YES!! He did say yesterday he may have to go do paperwork in the morning, but I choose to believe that's most likely the truth, since he's been gone and frankly we are starting to lose clinical staff right and left because of the paper work load increase....
so I keep on keeping on, keep on hoping these small signs that I pick up are accurate....I am encouraged by the little almost imperceptible changes, the tone of his voice, the way he hugs me, etc....Of course they may change again tomorrow, who knows... he is still purposefully putting his ring on after exercise, etc., and he wears it to work around coworkers. I know everybody's sick of hearing about it, but it still is a big source of encouragement to me. he's been wearing it over a month now.
I just can't think of a thing to do differently right now, so I guess I will just "stay the course" and see what happens with some more time.....I swear though a new job in this location would be the answer to prayers. I don't think H wants to move either, really.
