I'm seeing everyone saying stuff like "He should read" or "He should do".
I would almost like to impose a rule (yah, like *I* have any authority ) on this board that nobody is allowed to tell another person on this board that their spouse should (fill in the blank). She has already made it clear that he doesn't consider himself to have any problems and he even tries to push back down when she confronts him. Heck, I bet 90% of our spouses don't think there's a problem. Most of our spouses, including Susan's will not do anything she suggests. It's ridiculous to throw out suggestions like that. We also shouldn't try to analyze him for any other purpose except to formulate a strategy and get a map of the playing field.
The only things Susan and the rest of us can do is speak to our spouses in terms of the things we want and enforce our own integrity in a way that makes the spouse confront their own issues as a problem. This is essentially what we mean when talk about putting the spouse in the crucible. We create environments where they either have to deal with their problem or suffer the consequences. Like tim said, sometimes the consequences are separation or divorce. If her husband's issues are greater than his willingness to stay married, does she really want to stay married? Let me rephrase this....if a person has an issue that they would rather ignore to the detriment of the marriage, then how committed is this person to the marriage?
Susan, before you threaten to separate. Please, please, please make sure you do a thorough examination of yourself and the reasons why you are tolerating his B.S. I know you probably haven't read PM yet, but the big joke is that you are both equally differentiated (heck, at least you have something in common ). Differentiation is a 3-legged stool of being able to 1. self-sooth 2. self-validate 3. self-disclose. Your overall score by combining the three scores equals his overall score. Rarely does a couple have the same scores in each category.
Sorry for sounding like I was on a rant. Part of the entertainment value of this site is "analyzing" everyone's spouse but in the end, it's just us as individuals who chose to share our lives with another individual. There is no such thing as "shared entity" between 2 people called a "relationship" that can be worked on....it's a "gas" while the 2 people are "solids". (oh man, this could turn into a stinky metaphor).
Have a great day.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
) on this board that nobody is allowed to tell another person on this board that their spouse should (fill in the blank). She has already made it clear that he doesn't consider himself to have any problems and he even tries to push back down when she confronts him. Heck, I bet 90% of our spouses don't think there's a problem. Most of our spouses, including Susan's will not do anything she suggests. It's ridiculous to throw out suggestions like that. We also shouldn't try to analyze him for any other purpose except to formulate a strategy and get a map of the playing field.
). Differentiation is a 3-legged stool of being able to 1. self-sooth 2. self-validate 3. self-disclose. Your overall score by combining the three scores equals his overall score. Rarely does a couple have the same scores in each category.