Quote: he did not have any role models for how affectionate, intimate relationships are supposed to be.
...hmmm...sounds to me that it's possible he has never learned how to be "intimate" with someone...that's exactly the case with my LDH. It's taking counseling and lots of patience from me for him to deal with those issues and learn to trust me that way.
Quote: I have considered ordering some testosterone over the internet for him
...DON'T do that! If you feel he may have a low testosterone level have him see a Dr. to have his levels checked...don't assume it's his testosterone level. I desperately hoped with my LDH that something like that was the case...turns out that all of his levels were completely normal...for him it's more of a mental issue with trust/control. If your LDH has anger issues giving him testosterone when he doesn't need it could cause more problems than it's worth.
Quote: J did not have good role models growing up. His mom has been married 3 times. J's dad was his mom's second husband. They were only married a year; they divorced when J was a year old. J's biological father was extremely abusive.
Thanks for that info... it helps to fill in the blanks. I have to say that the behaviors you describe, the tickling and ... other things, sound at least borderline abusive. It sounds to me like he may enjoy being abusive on some level, or maybe he's got some resentments he doesn't know how to handle, and he's taking it out on you. To the extent that you put up with it, you are an enabler. If he won't get the message, you may in fact have to put everything on the line and actually leave him, at least temporarily. At any rate, if I were you I would not put up with that nonsense even once more...
Quote: So he did not have any role models for how affectionate, intimate relationships are supposed to be. Interestingly enough, J is very affectionate in some ways. We always hold hands, and he hugs me a lot, and brushes my hair and things like that. But ... when it comes to just kissing or cuddling together on the bed, it's a different story.
I have read about love languages, and I think J's is to talk ... he tells me he loves me about a billion times every day and he tells me how happy I make him and so on and so forth. That's all nice to hear, but in all honesty, it gets a little old when there's not a lot of action to back it up.
You've just described my M perfectly. My W also came from a dysfunctional family. She's very affectionate and quite verbal, but no sex. There are those who would argue, but in my opinion, that's worse than no affection. It's like flaunting it in front of you. You can see it, you can touch it, you can smell it, but you can't have it. Arrrggghhh!
Clearly there are more issues here than just no sex. I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I would bet that your H doesn't have any physical or hormonal problems. You need to get everything out on the table. Make sure you are getting through to him. (Hint: men really are that stupid.) Tell him in plain English. Tell him that you need more sex. Tell him that this is a real problem for you. Even if it isn't, tell him that this could be a make or break issue for your M. No matter what it takes, make sure that he understands. Don't be like me. Don't let this ride thinking that it will get better without actively working on it. Don't condemn yourself to a life of hurt and rejection. Do something now. Make sure he knows you're serious about this.
I dearly love my W and would never consider leaving her, but in all honesty, had I known then what I know now, I seriously doubt that I would have ever married her. And in her more honest moments my W has told me the same thing. She knows how frustrated and unhappy I am. She has told me that had she known that she had such problems with sex she would never have gotten married. I'm not sure that I understand ot believe that, but the point is that regardless of how it may appear, neither of you is happy with the way things are. The HD partner always feels the things you've described, and from what I've read and heard, the LD partner has issues of their own. They seem to feel pressured to have sex they're not interested in, or to feel that they're saddled with an unreasonable partner, or in some cases, to feel guilty that they're slighting their partner. But in any case, there are problems on both sides of any SSM. I urge you to address those now, while you're young, while your M is young, and while you have the greatest chance of changing things.
Sorry for the rant, but I've gone through too many years of this hell. It just really pains me to see you starting down the path I've been on. The fact that you're here is a good sign, but don't stop at talking about it.
The way you describe it, it sounds like his problem is between the ears: He just doesn't know. He awkward in the sack because he doesn't know what else to do. "Finish and get me outta here."
He needs a book with some title like "How To Be a Good Husband (marriage explained for the completely clueless man)." I guess he could get the same information from a counselor for $90/hour over the course of 10 weeks (only $900!), but really, this information should be in a book SOMEWHERE. From what you say I think he'd just eat it up. He may not ask for directions, but he'll probably look at a map.
If this is the case and he reads such a book, you could be out of this conference in record time! I wish you good luck.
I'm seeing everyone saying stuff like "He should read" or "He should do".
I would almost like to impose a rule (yah, like *I* have any authority ) on this board that nobody is allowed to tell another person on this board that their spouse should (fill in the blank). She has already made it clear that he doesn't consider himself to have any problems and he even tries to push back down when she confronts him. Heck, I bet 90% of our spouses don't think there's a problem. Most of our spouses, including Susan's will not do anything she suggests. It's ridiculous to throw out suggestions like that. We also shouldn't try to analyze him for any other purpose except to formulate a strategy and get a map of the playing field.
The only things Susan and the rest of us can do is speak to our spouses in terms of the things we want and enforce our own integrity in a way that makes the spouse confront their own issues as a problem. This is essentially what we mean when talk about putting the spouse in the crucible. We create environments where they either have to deal with their problem or suffer the consequences. Like tim said, sometimes the consequences are separation or divorce. If her husband's issues are greater than his willingness to stay married, does she really want to stay married? Let me rephrase this....if a person has an issue that they would rather ignore to the detriment of the marriage, then how committed is this person to the marriage?
Susan, before you threaten to separate. Please, please, please make sure you do a thorough examination of yourself and the reasons why you are tolerating his B.S. I know you probably haven't read PM yet, but the big joke is that you are both equally differentiated (heck, at least you have something in common ). Differentiation is a 3-legged stool of being able to 1. self-sooth 2. self-validate 3. self-disclose. Your overall score by combining the three scores equals his overall score. Rarely does a couple have the same scores in each category.
Sorry for sounding like I was on a rant. Part of the entertainment value of this site is "analyzing" everyone's spouse but in the end, it's just us as individuals who chose to share our lives with another individual. There is no such thing as "shared entity" between 2 people called a "relationship" that can be worked on....it's a "gas" while the 2 people are "solids". (oh man, this could turn into a stinky metaphor).
Have a great day.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
) on this board that nobody is allowed to tell another person on this board that their spouse should (fill in the blank). She has already made it clear that he doesn't consider himself to have any problems and he even tries to push back down when she confronts him. Heck, I bet 90% of our spouses don't think there's a problem. Most of our spouses, including Susan's will not do anything she suggests. It's ridiculous to throw out suggestions like that. We also shouldn't try to analyze him for any other purpose except to formulate a strategy and get a map of the playing field.
). Differentiation is a 3-legged stool of being able to 1. self-sooth 2. self-validate 3. self-disclose. Your overall score by combining the three scores equals his overall score. Rarely does a couple have the same scores in each category.