Quote: So he did not have any role models for how affectionate, intimate relationships are supposed to be. Interestingly enough, J is very affectionate in some ways. We always hold hands, and he hugs me a lot, and brushes my hair and things like that. But ... when it comes to just kissing or cuddling together on the bed, it's a different story.
I have read about love languages, and I think J's is to talk ... he tells me he loves me about a billion times every day and he tells me how happy I make him and so on and so forth. That's all nice to hear, but in all honesty, it gets a little old when there's not a lot of action to back it up.
You've just described my M perfectly. My W also came from a dysfunctional family. She's very affectionate and quite verbal, but no sex. There are those who would argue, but in my opinion, that's worse than no affection. It's like flaunting it in front of you. You can see it, you can touch it, you can smell it, but you can't have it. Arrrggghhh!
Clearly there are more issues here than just no sex. I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I would bet that your H doesn't have any physical or hormonal problems. You need to get everything out on the table. Make sure you are getting through to him. (Hint: men really are that stupid.) Tell him in plain English. Tell him that you need more sex. Tell him that this is a real problem for you. Even if it isn't, tell him that this could be a make or break issue for your M. No matter what it takes, make sure that he understands. Don't be like me. Don't let this ride thinking that it will get better without actively working on it. Don't condemn yourself to a life of hurt and rejection. Do something now. Make sure he knows you're serious about this.
I dearly love my W and would never consider leaving her, but in all honesty, had I known then what I know now, I seriously doubt that I would have ever married her. And in her more honest moments my W has told me the same thing. She knows how frustrated and unhappy I am. She has told me that had she known that she had such problems with sex she would never have gotten married. I'm not sure that I understand ot believe that, but the point is that regardless of how it may appear, neither of you is happy with the way things are. The HD partner always feels the things you've described, and from what I've read and heard, the LD partner has issues of their own. They seem to feel pressured to have sex they're not interested in, or to feel that they're saddled with an unreasonable partner, or in some cases, to feel guilty that they're slighting their partner. But in any case, there are problems on both sides of any SSM. I urge you to address those now, while you're young, while your M is young, and while you have the greatest chance of changing things.
Sorry for the rant, but I've gone through too many years of this hell. It just really pains me to see you starting down the path I've been on. The fact that you're here is a good sign, but don't stop at talking about it.
