You guys are all wonderful - it's so nice to know other people, especially other women, have this problem as well. And you all have given me lots to think about and consider.

J and I are not planning on children yet; logistically speaking, given our sex life, conceiving children would be incredibly difficult. We have also decided that I have to be mentally healthy (off anti-depressants) and that he needs anger management classes prior to having children. So at least we're in agreement on that.

J and I met in April of 2001, so we had been dating for a year and 10 months when we got engaged. I'm not exactly sure how our sex life was before we got married, which sounds strange, but I lived with my parents until we got married, and he lived with his mother for most of our dating/engagement period. Living with your parents doesn't afford you much privacy for sex. It's hard for me to say whether or not our sex life was good or bad based on the situation.

While we were dating, he did tickle me during sex, but he didn't do any of the other obnoxious things (like passing gas) during sex. I don't know what brought all that on, but it's annoying as hell. And a real mood killer.

J did not have good role models growing up. His mom has been married 3 times. J's dad was his mom's second husband. They were only married a year; they divorced when J was a year old. J's biological father was extremely abusive. J was actually taken away from both his parents by the state because his dad was so abusive (they figured his mom kept letting him visit his dad, so she was guilty as well). When his mom got him back, his biological dad took off, and J didn't see him again until this past September (after 21 years). His mom then married his stepdad, who legally adopted J, and he was no better than his biological father. He was also abusive, not just towards J, but also towards his mother. J went to military school (high school) voluntarily to get away from his stepdad. His mom finally divorced that man when J was 23 or 24, and J legally severed all ties with him. I know he harbors deep resentment towards him, which is understandable.

So he did not have any role models for how affectionate, intimate relationships are supposed to be. Interestingly enough, J is very affectionate in some ways. We always hold hands, and he hugs me a lot, and brushes my hair and things like that. But ... when it comes to just kissing or cuddling together on the bed, it's a different story.

I have read about love languages, and I think J's is to talk ... he tells me he loves me about a billion times every day and he tells me how happy I make him and so on and so forth. That's all nice to hear, but in all honesty, it gets a little old when there's not a lot of action to back it up.

I have considered ordering some testosterone over the internet for him, but I'm wary that I might get the doses wrong and have him end up looking like some of those olympic athletes that abuse steriods. I'm a pediatric nurse so adult dosing is not something I'm familiar with.

I guess you all are right in that I'm going to have to just lay it out for him ... however, I feel like I've done that so many times and it's just not sinking it. So I wonder - did I marry a total moron? Is he really that oblivious to the fact that I'm serious when I talk about this subject? Or does he not care? Or does he care and just not know what to do? I sometimes think he just doesn't know what to do and is too embarassed to ask for help or to even talk about it. I don't know ....

Anyways, thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. And I wish all of you the best of luck in your relationships as well.

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."