Once A Month - If I'm Lucky

[NurseSusan]

Hello. I'm new to Divorce-Busting, having only discovered it yesterday. I've found much of this information interesting and potentially useful; however, this topic is the one that really hit home with me, for "sex-starved" describes my relationship to a T.

I am 25; my husband, J, is 28. We have been married for 8 months and 11 days, and our sex life is virtually non-existent. We have sex approximately once a month, if I repeatedly ask/beg for it.

Our sex life consists of intercourse, and intercourse alone. There is no cuddling, foreplay, romance, or lust involved. J must always initiate sex, for if I do, I am invariably rejected. His method of initiation if to ask me, "Want to have sex?" If I say yes, he replies with, "Then go take off your clothes."

Once unclothed, I get one kiss to get me in the mood, then instant penetration, 3-5 minutes of intercourse, and then J leaps up to return to whatever it is he was doing previously. There is no after sex cuddling, talking, or anything.

The 3-5 minutes of intercourse isn't even particularly enjoyable, for J does a number of things I find obnoxious. He tickles me, which I hate, or passes gas loudly, or does any number of things in that vein. In many ways, it's like having sex with a 5 year old mentality.

It's also like being given a tv dinner and an oreo cookie, when I'm starving for a 5 course meal and mousse a chocholat.

I have become very despondant and depressed over this. I hvae discussed this ad nauseum with J; his response is always for me to find something to boost his sex drive. He isn't willing to take the responsibility to do that for himself, because it is my problem. I'm the one dissatisfied.

I have researched low libido in men and looked into over-the-counter products to assist with this problem. I have purchased Horny Goat Weed, DHEA, ViraMax and VigX - all which haven't had the slighest effect whatsoever.

I have tried sex games, lingere, dirty talking, all forms of nudity, and have even suggested we watch porn together. I never get any response.

I have also asked J to see our doctor and have his hormone levels tested. He refuses because he is afraid of needles and doesn't want to have his blood draw. Being a nurse, I have offered to speak with our doctor myself and draw his blood myself, but I have been refused.

For the past 8 months, if I bring up our lack of sex more than once in a month, I'm told, "Don't do this [censored] to me." J has no concern over what our lack of affection/intimacy/sex is doing to me.

I don't know what to do. I'm at a point where I feel like leaving him. I'm so physically frustrated and emotionally hurt that I feel I can't continue on.

I have seen a doctor and am going to private counseling. I am taking Wellbutrin for depression; however, I don't think my despondency is chemical. I think it's situational, and until the situation changes, I think I will continue to feel depressed.

Something must change. I believe in marriage as a life time committment, and I also believe in fidelity. However, I'm finding that a sexless/affectionless marriage is no marriage at all. I can't keep going on being sad, frustrated and hurt all the time.

I don't know what else to do. I don't know who to talk to or where to go. I keep trying to improve things, all to no avail. What recourse do I have?

I apologize for the length of this, and appreciate the opportunity to vent.